Jessica Jones: A Momentary Binge Break

I'm about halfway through Jessica Jones...

Little side note:  I don't know if Netflix loves me, or is trying to kill me.  This habit of dropping a whole season at once is like escorting an addict into the world's best stocked pharmaceutical heaven and telling them to have at it as long as they can physically hold out.  Last night I had to force myself to go to bed.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand...

I'm about halfway through Jessica Jones, and I feel pretty confident saying that if you aren't watching the series, you should be.

In fact, I'm willing to go out on a limb and say at this point we all ought to be prepared to belly up to the table and binge our way through each and every Marvel spin-off Netflix chooses to deliver to us.  After their first season of Daredevil, and now the drop of Jessica Jones, it's clear that they're not dicking around with the franchise.  Netflix has cast a scornful eye on the lighter fare being offered in the hero genre by network television, and has very purposefully and mindfully chosen another path.  They're not going for bubbly or shallow--their heroes have real, gut wrenching pains--and from what I've seen it's paying off big time.

Jessica Jones is fundamentally about the nature of abuse.  The show isn't candy coating it, or making it less painful than it really is.  Someone at Netflix has done their research--or lived through it themselves--and they aren't pulling any punches.  They aren't shying away from the guilt victims can feel, or the way they're made complicit in their own abuse far too frequently.  They aren't denying the deep, often compelling bonds that can form between an abuser and their victim.  And they aren't reticent about acknowledging how damaging this can all be, even to the strongest of people.  Perhaps especially to the strongest of people--the ones who aren't used to feeling helpless and used.

There's no metaphor here--thinly veiled or otherwise.  The nature of the abuse is supernatural, but the actual patterns are textbook.  Jessica Jones is a very damaged woman, and we can all see why.  I have a friend who won't watch the show, because it's too honest for her.  I can't blame her.  Other people might feel the same.

But--but--I believe that the best art is that which is unafraid to explore dark realities.  And by that criteria alone this show is art.  Good art.  Maybe great art.

How great remains to be seen.  I'm watching Jessica pull herself out of the terror and fight back, the way I watched Matt Murdock thread his way between justice and vengeance.  I think it's a finer line to walk--harder to convey, and harder to keep compelling without devolving into melodrama.  If they can pull it off, though, then Netflix will have given us not just a woman hero, but a hero for women.  Someone we can look to not to save us, but to show us how to save ourselves.  Not only that, they will have given our entire culture a direct look at the patterns and standards of abuse--not least of which is the one that shows that it's easier to perpetrate abuse when those around you don't want to believe it's true.

Maybe there's a chance it will make a difference.  For certain there's a chance that this is going to be great art.  And, beyond that, there are all the normal reasons to tune into any show, like great plots, well scripted dialogue, and compelling performances by the leads.

So I think we should all be taking the risk of watching Jessica Jones.  I think it's going to be worth it. 

Jessica Jones, A love letter

Dear Netflix,

I wanted to let you know, from the bottom of my heart, how much I appreciate what you've done with Jessica Jones.

Now--full disclosure--you hired David Tennant to play the villain, so basically I was already prepared to love your show, even if that was the only redeeming feature.

But it's not!  And I'm so glad.  After the bubbly, insipid, "chick light" treatment some other notable female heroes have been getting, it's like a balm for my wounded soul to see how you're treating the wounded soul of Jessica Jones.

Thank you for giving her pride, but not making her stupid about it.

Thank you for making her pain real, not a passing twinge that can be solved in 40 minutes and a few kind words from a love interest.

Thank you for not apologizing for her sexuality, or drinking, or general angry attitude. 

Thank you for not feeling the need to explain why we should still like her anyway.

Thank you, in short, for giving me a heroine that I can imagine rising from the mat--bruised and hurting--to wipe the blood smear from the corner of her mouth, and then kick some serious ass.

It's about damn time.

Arrow 2x7: My Brother From a Greener Mother

Here's a thought for the writers of Arrow:  We already know Ollie makes it back to Starling City.  You can show us a flashback of a man holding a gun to his head as MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT, and we will never care. 

 I know that when *I* am trying to take down bad guys with big scary guns, my favorite thing to do is ride in on a noisy motorcycle and park AS FAR FROM COVER AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

Oh... it hurts me, on a visceral level, to watch a pile of money burn.

Yes!!! Tater tot, cheeto, and french fry.  Branch out into sweet things!  Call him a donut hole, next!

I assume "Alex has a way of making this interesting" means election strategy is his version of pillow talk.  Which is super weird.  I mean, for serious.  Can you think of anything LESS arousing?

OH LOOK, IT'S JOHN'S BROTHER!!!  WHO EVER COULD HAVE GUESSED THAT HE WOULD STILL BE ALIVE AND WORKING FOR HIVE?

Oh, right.  Me.

Wow, John has a real unforgiving streak, doesn't he? 

Oh, Felicity, thank you.  Thank you for existing.  Thank you for uttering double entendres with the same facility and thoughtlessness with which you breathe.  You bring me joy.

No... No... NO!  SERIOUSLY!!!  In the SAME PARAGRAPH you're going to say "Dark doesn't trust me" and then pass on a piece of information that was CLEARLY BAIT??  WHY?  WHHHHYYYYYY ARE YOU ALL SO DUMB?!

Thea, we don't tell the civvies about the inner secrets of the Quiver, even in round about ways.  This isn't Flash, where we tell literally everyone EXCEPT our lady friends.

Personally, I am okay with Thea beating the hell out of that guy.  Anyone who says "you look like the kinda girl where no means yes" totally deserves it.

Uh, out of all the things we're seen on this show, being whipped is just sort of meh.  I mean, painful, sure, but that guy is begging like Ollie is about to cut his leg off or something.

Oh look.  That went badly.  What a surprise.  I think I'm gonna have a heart attack and DIE, FROM NOT SURPRISE.

HAH!  Prediction.  The magic lenses that let them see through fabric will cause Thea to find out that her new boyfriend is a ghost. 

I mean, look at him.  He's clearly evil.

Awwww... that's nice.  His green brother.  I mean, there are several ways that could have been so much more eloquent, but it's sweet nonetheless.  Of course, it does evoke images of aliens.  Or munchkins. 

So, of course, now, every time we talk about Oliver's campaign, I'm going to have to start singing "As Mayor of the Munchkin City, in the county of the Land of Oz..."

Well of COURSE the file it true!  It's just not all there is to the truth.  Geez, John.  YOU HAVE TO THINK LIKE A CHARACTER IN A SHOW WHOSE DRAMA IS DRIVEN ENTIRELY BY ARTIFICIALLY CREATED TENSION!!!!  Damn, man.

Flash 2x07

Someone go give that boy a smack upside the head and remind him that he's lucky to be walking.

What?  WHAT?  JAY IS GONE?  But... he and Caitlyn never consummated their awkward attempts to engage in nerd boinking!

Oh Cisco, I wish you all the best of luck, but be careful she doesn't break you.  She's got this morning-star that's seen a lot of action...

Oh, Caitlyn, Caitlyn, Caitlyn.  Please don't tell me you're now pining after Hardass.  I mean, don't get me wrong, Tom Cavanagh is a hottie, but that's a terrible reason to keep a man from trying to go save his daughter.

(a) I adore Cisco.  I adore him more than words can say.  (b) If she's never seen the Princess Bride before then you KNOW she's a fucking alien.  You don't have to vibe her to figure that out.

Oh look.  Caught in a chicken noodle soup lie.  You know, this would all be a non-issue if you just told her who Barry is.  I mean, fucking half of Central City knows at this point.  You're trusting CAPTAIN COLD with the knowledge, for god's sake!  But no.  Artificial tension for no reason... yay.

Awww, that's sweet.  Grodd wants a companion Grodd.  Go on, Caitlyn, make that nice Gorilla a friend.  Just give them some lessons on not mind controlling people, or smashing their heads in.

Just saying, might wanna warn a brother before you put his worst enemy's doppelganger into said enemy's suit.  That just seems like common courtesy.

Heh.  I love Cavanagh.  That smile on Hardass's face when Cisco walks away.  It's perfect.

I do not care how far that Gorilla can jump.  Ain't no way he can keep up with a man who can travel through time.  Barry should be strolling, instead of running.

"Cisco's gonna blast him into Earth 2 with his thingamajig."  The mind boggles at the power of Cisco's thingamajig.

So, he trusted her enough to come into the circle.  Why didn't she just tell him to go through the portal?  DO YOU NOT TRUST THE GIANT GORILLA TO BE RATIONAL, CAITLYN?

Oh that's terrible.  It's like they borrowed a writer from Supergirl to write Daddy Flash's lines.  Why?  Why, CW?  Why would you do that?

Oh... oh... oh... HE'S A WEDGED GRODD IN GREAT TIGHTNESS!

Okay, I love Hardass, but can someone please hand that man a hairbrush?

I believe if my son was the fastest man in the world I'd make him give me a piggy back out to my campground, instead of taking the bus.

THAT'S RIGHT, YOUR WOMAN HAS WINGS, BRAH!!!!

Heh, y'all just handed Grodd a kingdom to rule.  Dumbasses.

Okay, so, I have a proposal for an alternate post credit clip:

We pan over the CCPD lab, to find papers scattered everywhere, and Barry and Patty lying (as one does in network television land) under the cautiously draped detritus of their clothing.  They aren't looking at each other, but rather staring at the ceiling, and their faces are extremely awkward.

Patty:  Uh, so...
Barry: Yeah, sooooo...
Patty:  That was...  Fast
Barry winces. 
Fade to black.

A Very Supergirl Thanksgiving

Hah!  Okay, Supergirl officially gets a high five for non-cis-normative standards.

AHHHHH!!!!  I got so distracted by Dean Cain in the first episode, I didn't notice that her foster mom is SUPERGIRL!  HOLY SHIT, THAT IS EXCELLENT CASTING!

Now, I'm feeling like maybe I need to send the show runner a calendar.  Cause maybe they didn't notice, but Thanksgiving is actually next week.

I will forgive SG for being clueless if, every time she asks something dumb, someone reminds her that she has mother-fucking super powers and can eavesdrop if she wants to.

Oh look.  There's the walking, talking plot device that's being used to keep young lovers apart.  Pardon me while I go slam my head into the wall.

Could the writers please make up their mind as to whether or not Alex is an uber-competent agent of an ultra-secret organization, or a neurotic, obsessive older sister? 

Also, could we please have one strong woman on this show that doesn't have a crippling character flaw?  I mean, we've got someone mentally strong, but she's an utter bitch.  We've got someone physically strong, but she's got all the backbone of an extremely timid jellyfish.  And we've got someone knowledgeable, except that every time an emotional situation comes along she goes batshit.  Way to champion strong women, CBS.

WAY TO ENCOURAGE YOUR SISTER TO STAND UP TO HER MOM, KARA.  I mean, sure, she COULD say "Hey, mom, your expectation that I will defend Kara at all costs, up to and including controlling her completely and sacrificing my own personal happiness is stupid.  Get over it."  But no.  It's much better to tell her that you've completely shaped your life around her unrealistic expectations, without acknowledging how dumb they are.

LIGHTNING DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.  Damnit.  I will accept any silly alien nonsense you want to pretend is real, but on this planet we have actual physics, and LIGHTNING DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.  Even assuming Supergirl is ultra-conductive, the energy should have passed into the highly conductive body of the helicopter, not the only semi-conductive body of the human beside her. 

Ah, there we go.  Alex is choosing the path of sanity.  Her mother is still whackadoo, but YAY FOR A SANE RESPONSE!

Is "keep me company while I work on my dissertation" the new code for sex?  It's longer than "coffee" and takes more time to say.  I'm sticking with "coffee."

ELECTRICITY DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.  This is only plausible if she's actually in CONTROL of the electricity she discharges.  Otherwise she'd just ground herself constantly. 

IT WOULD NOT JUMP TO THE NEON SIGN WHEN THERE'S A PERFECTLY CONDUCTIVE PUDDLE RIGHT... Oh for fuck's sake.  Nevermind.  Science is dead.

Holy shit, she can shift between matter and energy without any kind of loss or transformation? 
Nevermind.
Sorry.
I forgot science was dead.

Awkward Turkey!!!!!  That's what I like to have for Thanksgiving.  That, and a lot of the "fun" that Alex is having. 

My favorite time to tell my mother than I'm a secret government agent is over awkward turkey.  It makes everything seem so much more plausible.

Whoa, Momma Danvers is really seriously fucked up, and a bad mother.  Good foster mother, maybe, but TERRIBLE mom.

HAH!  Little Kara does NOT have pierced ears.  I knew it.

Wow.  Live Wire could totally kick SG's ass.  She's got an excellent power (and one that can damage a Kryptonian, I might add), she seems to have a decent idea of tactics, and she's got a lotta rage.  Of course, the show isn't named after her, so her odds are bad, but in a real world cage match my money would be on Leslie.

Isn't the power out in the building?  How is the elevator still working?

Lolz.  I like calling him Agent Mulder.  Not more than I like calling him Sergeant Stick Up His Ass.  But close.

Cat is by far my favorite character on the show.  She is as emotionally complex and interesting as Supergirl is one dimensional and disappointing. 

Oh, I *do* like that cover of Take Me To Church.

THAT WOULD NOT HAVE DONE ANYTHING!!!! SHE CAN JUST TRAVEL THROUGH THE WATER!!! IT'S CONDUCTIVE, YOU GIANT IDIO--

Sigh.  Nevermind.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I'll stop caring that science is dead.

Awww... Win loves you.  Stop pining over the tall handsome man.  He's very handsome, but he's dating that overly-made up plot device.

And here we go.  A full five minutes solid of attempted feels, and yet I feel almost none of them.  Heavy-handed, thy name is Supergirl Writing Staff.

Five bucks says Dean Cain isn't dead.

Lost Girl: Wrapping it all up

Explosive emotional diatribes stemming from affections and hatreds we've never heard of!  Random non-sequitur-rial type plot leaps that just expect us to follow along!  And the most bizarre half-assed bio-metaphysical explanations for things EV-ARH!

(Seriously, so you were in lady form when you banged Tamzin, precisely how did you manage to knock her up again?)

I've had a love-hate relationship with Lost Girl since season one.  I adored the premise of the show.  I was really pleased with the non-hetero centric, non-monogamist centric attitude towards love and sex that were shown throughout the series.  I actually thought a number of the actors were phenomenal, and the occasional bizarre one-off episodes (the time they all body swapped? the three teen Fae?  Bo's trip down the red-brick road?) were pretty well crafted.  All in all, there was a lot there that I really liked.

But it got bogged down by so many things that made my eyebrows go all wonky and try to fly off my face in a combination of surprise and complete shock that anyone would ask us to buy this nonsense.  For one thing, for all that we'd established that Bo basically HAD to bang a substantial portion of the population on a regular basis to keep in fine fettle, the writers imposed this artificial "SHE MUST CHOOSE" situation on the whole Dyson, Lauren, Bo love triangle.  I get that triangles make for good TV, but if you're going to commit to a type of character, specifically one who is, by her very nature, unlikely to be monogamous, then why not let them all have a happy three way?  I mean, for realsies, can I get a show of hand of anyone who would have actually been DISPLEASED by that?

I see zero hands.  Know why?  Because three pretty people getting all frisky together is ALWAYS fun.

For another, it drove me mad when they'd take what seemed like a fairly critical plot point and just SKIP IT.  Or (the close cousin of skipping a critical plot point) JUST PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED.  Like, in one of the early seasons, where Dyson tells Bo he can't feed her anymore if she's going to keep doing what she's doing.  Then, next episode, she's still doing what she's doing, they haven't had any kind of conversation to clear the air, but they are TOTALLY BACK TO BANGING AGAIN!
Or like when Kenzie became a shadow thief.  A what now?  I'm sorry, did that ever get explained?  Oh, it didn't?  Well, alright, I guess we can have a mystical human profession that never really gets fully expl-- WAIT, HOW DID SHE GET TRAINED OVER THE SPACE OF WHAT MUST HAVE BEEN ABOUT TWO DAYS?  HOW IS THAT FUCKING POSSIBLE?
Or like, Bo suddenly decides she's madly in love with this random dude on a train.  I still don't get that one.  Watched every episode, thought about it a lot, still don't get it.

So, anyway, Lost Girl makes me a special type of cranky that I reserve for things that I keep HOPING will finally make that left turn they missed a while back and pull back onto the Awesomeness Highway that was originally their destination.

That is, it DID.  For four and a half seasons.

But somewhere in the bottom ninth, something amazing happened.  It's like the writers finally decided that, if this was gonna be their last seasons, they should probably stop dicking around and start making things better.

Now, don't get me wrong.  There's still some complete nonsense going on up in there.  I'm still really hung up on the need to know the precise physical mechanism by which Hades delivered his magical God-sperm unto Tamzin.  I mean, Tam-tam has been with Bo before.  I think if the Hades-in-Bo-Clothing had suddenly sprouted the appropriate biological mechanism to impregnate a Valkyrie, Tamzin would have noticed that something was not quite right in the state of Denmark.

And honestly, the writers are still doing a shit job at allowing proper time for emotional developments.

But the plot!  Oh my god!  The plot!  It... it...

IT STILL DOESN'T MAKE ANY MOTHER FUCKING SENSE!

But it makes MORE sense.  And I guess, in the end, I'm going to miss waiting for the eternal left turn that will never come.  So I'm not cranky anymore.  Instead I am saying a fond, and somewhat regretful farewell to the well-acted train wreck known as Lost Girl. 

Supergirl 1x03

I don't know.  I don't know why I'm still watching.

I swear to god.  If she doesn't stop being so fucking gawky and awkward I am going to throttle her.  She is embarrassing me.

Why is it that, if she's faster than a speeding bullet, she can't dodge fucking anything?

Seriously?  Seriously?  Like, we have to rub in the whole "Kara is incompetent compared to her big ol' masculine cousin who has to swoop in and save her" angle.

Dear writers.  If you ever use the phrase "scared I was going to lose you" again I will find you and stab you.  Hard.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ OUTLOUD, WE JUST READ THAT WHOLE GOD DAMN CONVERSATION.  YOU'RE TRUSTING WE CAN READ.

That scene with the sisters and the chinese food was the best scene that's been in the series so far.  Hands down.  Which is really sad.

Arrow 4x06

Okay, I never thought I'd say this, but thank god I'm back to the quality and consistency of this fine television program.  I mean, I like to bitch about it, but after an episode of Supergirl I am almost in rhapsodies about how fantastic this is.

Of COURSE Ray is alive.  If he wasn't, how could they launch another spin off series?

So, maybe it's just me, but I'm thinking if I was playing with dangerous, possibly explosive technology, I might NOT do it in an office building with all those highly breakable windows around.  I might do it in an underground bunker.  Just saying.

OH LOOK, ALEX AND THEA ARE ALONE TOGETHER.  I WONDER WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN?

"Oh, no, my life's complicated, we can't possibly go out."

"How about we just suppress our interest until we have wild alley sex, or something?"

"Yeah, sounds good."

Felicity, both the original and 2.0, are the best.  The absolute best.  But they really need to watch those energy drinks.

AHAHAAHA!!! All I want in life right now is for Felicity 2.0 to have a chance to see Oliver do the Salmon Ladder.

Oh thank god.  His name is Curtis!  I've got to remember that.  It's rude to keep calling him Felicity.

Hold up, hold up, HOLD UP!  Lemme get this straight.  The drug lord on the island also just COINCIDENTALLY knows how to use the thing that Constantine said was just a BAUBLE to find ancient glowing magics in the cave that, until Constantine showed up, he didn't even know was on the ISLAND?

IT ISN'T ACTUALLY THAT HARD TO MAKE THINGS MAKE SENSE, PEOPLE.  TRY HARDER.

ooooooooo... Felicity's getting salty with her man.  Apparently trying to save ex-boyfriends brings out the claws.

OH MY GOD!!! HE'S ITTY BITTY!  I want to keep him in my pocket.  Then, when I have a use for him, I'll blow him up to normal sized.

And we're BACK to salty.  Although she has a point.  Oliver is used to being the hero, but all their challenges thus far have been largely fight-ey in nature.  Now that they need a tech hero he can't really cut it.  And while Felicity could have been nicer, I kind of appreciate that she's cutting through the bullshit.  I mean, Oliver wouldn't have been nicer in the same circumstance, so I don't see what Felicity has to be.

CAUSE SOMETIMES EQUALITY MEANS WE ALL GET TO BE SALTY.

OMMFG.  Of course his name is Vlad.  OF COURSE it is.

I would like Felicity to continue to refer to Ray's current size as comparable to food products.

I would also really enjoy seeing Felicity try to kick Oliver's ass.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!  AHAHAHAAHAHAH!  Oliver Queen, badass of Star City, cannot withstand the deadly dart of the sad emojis.  Amazing.

Hearing Oliver say "I make a fantastic Chicken Cordon Blue" is literally like the pinnacle of television history.

Sigh.  Oh look.  The happy couple has an issue, and instead of talking it over like adults they are suddenly estranged.  What a giant shock.

Okay, prediction:  Whatever else happens this season, Felicity is going to find that diamond ring in the dish where Oliver hid it.  She's going to put everything together, and realize he's been planning on proposing.  This will fill her with joy, as she realizes she does love him, and that doesn't have to keep her from being herself. That he'll support her no matter what.  She'll put the ring on, vowing to find Oliver and tell him all is well, and they can be married as soon as he likes.

THEN SHE'LL DIE.

No?  Too much?

Why don't we have that kind of time?  Have we discovered that they're planning on serving mini-Ray stew?  Cause I gotta say, I think--no matter the fear--it's better to take your time with your ONE SHOT AT RESCUE rather than just rush it and blow the whole thing.  But don't listen to me.  Let's go with standard TV TACTICS INSTEAD!

OH, YES, USE THIS AS THE TESTING GROUND FOR THE BLOOD LUSTY ONE, TOO!  LET'S JUST MAKE THIS A COMPLETE SHIT SHOW!

How did Damien fall for that?  I mean, shouldn't there be a sign and counter sign for the organization that uses masks all the time?  Just to make sure, I don't know, that NO ONE IS INFILTRATING YOU?

Curtis, I love you.  I love you so much.  Don't ever change. 

If I could have one super power, it would be the ability to force choke people.  Okay, that's a lie.  It would be the ability to fly.  But force choking runs a close second.

Oh look!  He's yummy sized again.  Now HE can do salmon ladders for Curtis, TOO!

LOL.  I love how they're all like "oh yeah, well, Thea can handle it" conveniently forgetting that the reason she can handle it is that her daddy sent her two goons to murder.  And Sara thinks going away will somehow curb the blood lust.  HILARIOUS!  Like you can get distance from a curse.

Hey, Sara's going to Central!  I hope she does a cameo on the Flash

Oh no.  Oh no.  No complicated parental relation... OH WELL THAT'S NOT GONNA BE AWKWARD!

I hope Felicity finds out when she finds Captain Lance in her kitchen in his underwear.  No, better yet, I want Oliver to run into Captain Lance, while they're BOTH in their underwear.

Lolz.  I don't think you can sex away bloodlust, but I give you my blessing to try, Thea.

Flash 2x06

Here's what I don't get about "Doctor Light" (still fucking pissed about that stupid name, BTW).  I get that Barry might not be moving faster than the speed of light (although if he can make speed illusions of himself and travel through MOTHER FUCKING TIME then he surely CAN, but maybe he doesn't ALWAYS run that fast) so her bolts could hit him.  BUT, surely her ARMS aren't faster than the speed of light.  Why, oh why, when she moves her arms does he not just run around behind her?  He's fast enough to catch three mother fucking bullets, he doesn't have to LET HER HIT HIM.

Which is, of course, why this has to be a set up.

But it bothered me last episode, too.

Hahahahahahaha.  Hardass calls Cisco "Ramone."  Please, please, never send him back to his home dimension.  He provides me with so much joy.

Dude, Caitlyn about had an orgasm when she said "vibing."  She's such a groupie.  I mean hell, she was even gonna bang Mr. Lost My Super Speed.  She needs a power of her own.

Tom Cavanagh is actually a really good actor.  He could have shown the pride without having to literally explain that his daughter was his greatest delight.  Seriously.  I'm gonna have these writers taken out and shot.  With a bazooka.

And here we go, in the "completely unneccessary secrets" file, we have the fact that Spivot doesn't get to know that the Flash is holding some metas. 

OH!!! SPIVOT GOT GAME!!! SHE GOT GAAAAAAAAAAAAME!

Damnit.  I didn't want to like this relationship, but now I do.

That was dumb, Cisco.  Super, wicked, fucking dumb.  I figured it out the moment I saw the clothes.  YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A GENIUS!

"I'm keeping my options open."  PREACH, JOE!

AHAHAHAHAAHAH!!! And just when I'm mad at the writers, they pull out a gem.  Wonder what happened at Barry's HS football tryouts.

Hardass is gonna stab Cisco.  Then he'll have been killed by two DIFFERENT Wells!

Is that a SONIC SCREWDRIVER?

They really should just consider asking him.  You know?  He might tell them.

Okay, I'm just gonna point out:  They're letting LINDA know that every single one of those people knows Flash personally.  AND they're letting her know that there's a Hardass doppleganger walking around.  AND SHE'S A MOTHER FUCKING REPORTER WHO IS PROGRAMMED TO TELL PEOPLE SHIT.  But they're not going to tell Spivot, who already knows that Joe works with the Flash, that the Flash holds some metahumans personally and that's why the Light case was closed... WHY NOW?

Dear human girl.  Do not point the thing that explodes stuff with light at your face.  Bad idea.

Don't high five, either.

OH MY GOD!!!  AND NOW SHE KNOWS WHO BARRY IS!!! 

I mean, I don't really care.  It's fine with me.  But why aren't they telling SPIVOT?

I'm seriously disappointed you haven't done more than make out with him, to be honest.  I mean, damn, girl.  Y'all dated for a while.

FUCK YOU TV SHOW WITH YOUR STUPID TROPE OF NOT EXPLAINING THINGS IN ORDER TO CREATE FALSE DRAMA.  JUST FUCKING TELL HER THE FLASH IS USING DR LIGHT TO LURE OUT ZOOM.  JESUS CHRIST.

Uh, that smoke is super unnatural, so now I think the real Dr Light is hidden in it.

Ummm... so, aside from general hilarity, what is the point of all this?  I mean, seriously?  Do they think Zoom is watching them?  If he was, why would he need the insignia thrown through?  Why can't they just huck through the fucking medallion and be done with it?

Ohhhhhhhhhhh... the weird smoke is the portal.

Why do they not just start calling the old Wells "Eobard" or even "Thon"?  Wouldn't that make it easier?  And more accurate?

I'm pretty sure Joe just told Barry to be a man whore.

Well, it certainly looks like Barry took the advice that way, however it was intended.

HEY, I HAVE A GREAT IDEA!!!! IRIS AND LINDA SHOULD BANG! 

Of course, that will be hard if she gets turned into a pancake.

Oh dear.  That Zoom fellow broke Barry's spine.  Poor form.

Well.  I saw that coming.  They needed a delivery device that was keyed to Zoom's genetic code or something.

OF COURSE YOU CAN'T FEEL YOUR LEGS, THAT MAN BROKE YOUR SPINE!

Supergirl 1x02

Okay, so, before I get into this episode...

I think I've pinpointed my beef with this show.

Arrow wasn't an origin story.  They went into it with the premise that Oliver had already become whatever it was he needed to be that season.  Over the course of the first season we came to hear the back story of HOW he became that way, but they weren't trying to power through a whole fucking season's worth of emotions in one episode.  The acting was terrible (so was the writing, I guess) but the premise of the plot arc was solid.

Flash chose a different route, but again, they came in with characters who already had a solid foundation.  Barry was already trying to clear his dad.  The Star Labs group was pre-formed.  He already knew Oliver, so he'd probably already considered the whole "would I or wouldn't I" aspect of being a hero. 

CBS completely fucked it up when they came to Supergirl.  They are RACING to get through a certain amount of emotional development, and it's killing them.  Episode 1 should have been establishing who she is, and then at the end she saves the plane.  Episode 2 should have been her fight with her sister, the emotional fallout she felt from that, and revealing herself to Jeremy Jordan.  Basically, the pilot could have been half of a season.  It could have been a WHOLE season, if they'd added more interesting things in there.

Arrow and Flash (and Daredevil, for that matter) weren't in a hurry to get to the character everyone recognizes.  They were willing to take the chance and go slow to give people a character worth watching.

Supergirl is too afraid they're gonna lose the fans if they don't head straight for the red spandex.  And they completely, totally, 100% fucked themselves.

Okay, on to the episode:

So, what I'm learning here is that she has super strength, but she's also a super dumbass.  Like, somehow in her entire life she hasn't learned that pushing works better than pulling?  And, OMG.  Unless she melted that fucking ship with her heat vision then there's no way she ripped it apart.  She'd just pull it out of the water first.

Oh look.  I found the bad guy.  I wonder if she'll bang him before she figures out he's only in it for the power?

God damnit, Jimmy.  Let the girl take her knocks like she owns a pair of panties.  You can reassure her later.  With sex.

Sorry.  I love Callista Flockheart.  She's like a female J Jonah Jameson.  It's awesome.

I don't know what SHE sees out the window, but I see two people who better start banging soon.

Hey, Supergirl is DC, and Blade is Marvel.  What are the reapers from Blade doing in this episode?

Ummm... why does she have the family crest on her PJs?  Isn't that a little bit of overkill?

What do you know about it's species?  Oh, not much?  Maybe you should just call MARVEL AND ASK THEM ABOUT THE REAPERS!

"And last week I kicked Vartoxxes butt"  I mean, you know, after I almost gave up cause my pretty eye lasers weren't working fast enough.

Yeah, I don't blame her sister.  I want to punch her, too

To be clear, I am rooting for Supergirl to get her ass kicked.  If you're fighting supes you need to learn to fight.  Period.

Oh, did the whiney little girl get mad cause someone could beat her?  Perhaps the whiney little girl should see the value of the lesson instead.

Gonna say it again.  Love Callista Flockheart.

Oh, how cute.  The boys wanna fight over her.  I hope she bangs the bad guy instead.

Oh Jesus.  These writers.  These writers and their clunky, expository sentences.  I am going to stab someone.

(a) do they not have fucking Jobs?  Like, I get that Olsen is a photographer, and is probably supposed to be out of the office anyway, and I get that Jeremy Jordan is... uh... I don't know.  Maybe a tech guy, and can work remotely?  But how does an ASSISTANT have time to just be out of the office like that?

(b) It would take more than someone rescuing a fucking snake out of a tree to make me forget about an ECOLOGICAL DISASTER.  That bitch better figure out a way to clean up the bay.

I really wish they'd stop just calling him "her cousin."  I've said this before, but it gives me a total Lord Voldemort vibe.  Is there a licensing issue or something?  I mean, they seriously go out of their way to never say Superman.  So far I count five different euphemisms for Superman.

I don't like this conversation.  Alex was RIGHT.  Supergirl is going to go up against a host of aliens with powers, and she can't just rely on them to win every time.  She really needs to learn to actually fight and take care of herself.  I don't want it to turn into a whole weepy "please, just trust me" moment.  STOP BEING SUCH A GODDAMN STEREOTYPE OF A GIRL!

Now, see, if I were Kara, I would fly into Callista's bedroom at night, wake her up, tell her to stop being such a raging bitch, further tell her that I had some falling out with my cousin, so trying to get to me through him is a bad idea, and then say that I hated extortion in any form.  Someone who wanted an interview with me would earn it by doing good things.  Otherwise, she could go hang.  Because real superheros know never to give up the high ground.

MOTHER FUCKER WITH THE TERRIBLE EXPOSITORY SENTENCES!!!  "Given the Helgrim's superior sense of smell, he should sense the DDT in the air by now..."  JESUS CHRIST.  HOW DO THEY GET THESE JOBS? 

Also, how do I get that job.  Because I am 100% convinced that I can do better than this, and if that's true then I see no reason I shouldn't get paid money to fix their fuck ups.

Why da fuq does an S stand for El Mayara?  There isn't even a fucking S in there!  Someday, someone is gonna have to explain how the house of El with their fucking El Mayara ended up making a crest that looks EXACTLY like an Arabic S. 

Hah!  That phone call on the balcony.  I'm gonna start calling perfect interruptions like that "Deus Ex Cock Block."

Flying with your eyes closed seems like a great way to hit a building.  Just saying.

Astra's all like "oh you humans are so fragile"  but the only reason she's NOT is because of our sun.  On Krypton they're just as fragile as we are.  What the fuck?  Did she forget?

I get that she magically hears all the people who talk to her because of her powers, but how is she managing to tap into their radio system so she can talk back without at least an earbud or something?

They're doing such a shitty job of making SG a sympathetic or charismatic character.  I can totally get behind rooting for Alex.  But SG doesn't move me AT ALL.  I like her LEAST out of all the characters, and I am including her evil aunt and Special Officer Stick Up His Butt in that assessment.

Alex.  How did you build that place if the door will only open for Kara?

Way to save on scenic budget, guys.  Bad guys should always work in low lighting.

You know, dumbass, if you had flown her somewhere that you could be backlit it would have done wonders for helping to hide your face.  I mean, props on stealing the car, but if you're gonna do a thing, do it RIGHT.

Supergirl 1x01

OH SHIT SON, THAT IS DEAN CAIN!!!!

I love how much of a bitch Calista Flockheart is.  I really hope she keeps it up.

Oh, that pretty, tall man just smiled at you.  He's very pretty.  And very tall.  You could fly right on up there and give him a kiss.

Oh, but apparently he's totally in love with Superman.  Nevermind.  Go kiss Jeremy Jordan instead.  He's pretty, too, even though he isn't so tall.

What kind of fucking lame ass person stops FLYING just so they can be normal?  That shit is fucked up.  Supergirl, you disappoint me.

Also, learn to answer a question without stammering.  I am gonna punch you in the face, otherwise.  You might not be able to feel it, but I will do it anyway.  You are embarrassing women as a whole.

DUDE!  Don't break your SISTER!

Awwww... Jimmy, look at you with your backhanded inspirational speeches.

"Nice for my daughter to have someone like that to look up to."  Yeah.  Be even better if she wasn't such a damn dishrag.

Faster than a speeding bullet, sure, but not a speeding dart gun.

HOW ARE HER EARS PIERCED?  HOW IS THAT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE?  DID SHE DIG THROUGH THEM WITH HER OWN FUCKING FINGERNAILS?

To be fair, I think ANYONE flying around in a red skirt is hard to ignore.

Really?  You're like, the most powerful being on the planet (maybe #2, if Superman is stronger than you) and you're gonna cat fight with your sister?  Really?

Okay.  I'm gonna break with convention here and say I actually like how they dealt with the whole nomenclature issue.  I mean, they could hardly have called her anything else.  But having a hoity bitch brand her, instead of having her actually pick that as her OWN name, is so much better.

Although immediately having a man come to her rescue is NOT.

No matter how pretty he is.

OMG.  Can someone please teach that tiny little actress how to throw a punch?

Okay, but I'm okay with her getting rescued by her bad ass human sister.  That's fine.

NO.  NO.  NO NO NO.  BAD WRITERS.  You do not take the awesome big sister who just saved her little sister's ass, even though her little sister is a freaking SUPERHERO, and then make it all about jealousy.  Seriously, fuck you writing team.

Ugh.  This is some bullshit tugging-on-the-heart-strings nonsense, and it's not even well acted.

How did SHE start it?  I mean, it's not like she made any conscious decisions about going into the phantom zone or exiting it.  It was an accident--which she slept through.

God she's such a whiner.  First she pretends to give up, then 10 seconds later she ACTUALLY gives up.  Where's her backbone?

Oh no, you' ARE calling it the superfriends.  Cisco and Jeremy Jordan got together and decided.

Why do they keep saying "HE" instead of Superman, or Clark, or even Kal-El?  What is he, motherfucking Voldemort?

Is James trying to get her to fly away so he can look up her dress?

Okay.  This show is terrible.  It's as terrible as Arrow was when it first started.  And, to boot, the heroine isn't even bad ass.  I object.  I particularly object because obviously I'm going to keep watching it.

Arrow 4x05

Oh my, god my god:  Your own personal Chappaquiddick--

What, you mean like that game from Harry Potter?

I about fucking died.

I bet one of the writer's actually asked that, and it made its way into the show.  It's too damn funny to have been written on purpose by the actual show writers. 

Dear Thea.  If you are going to be a member of a vigilante justice team, you have to answer the mother fucking phone.

Oh, I kinda like Laurel's "fuck you, Oliver, you aren't the god king just cause the show is named after you" speech

Lol.  Constantine just said he was on the side of the angels.  Lol.

That girl is just breaking windows all over the city, isn't she?

So, fan theory (I haven't finished the episode yet) Sarah is going to end up being rabid all season, but in the end she'll be pointed at Damien Dark like a bazooka and take him out in a mutually assured destruction cage match.  This will, of course, be AFTER basically everyone cozies up to Dark in an attempt to get him to use his mystical powers to get her soul back.

Snerk.  I plan on using the phrase "You waiting around for a cupcake or something?" exhaustively.  You have been warned.

Oh, lame.  Constantine is getting her soul back?  Eh.  Total wasted opportunity on the part of the writers.  It would have been so much more intriguing to have them try to manipulate it out of Dark.

Nope.  Nope.  Oliver shouldn't be all Arrow in his mind.  He should be wearing a suit and have long hair and carry a bow.  And Laurel should be in a "Black Canary" Halloween costume.  And Constantine should look just the same.

LAAAAAME.  Lame, lame, lame.  Also, isn't she still gonna want to kill Thea?  Also, you know, side note, they could have made a whole episode out of going to the other world to get her soul.  It could have been deep, and relevatory, and shown the dark subconscious of how each of them sees themselves and each other.  It could have given a more emotional and heartfelt resolution to the issues between Oliver and Laurel, as well as opening up new futures. IT COULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING EPIC.

Goddamn, I hate the writers on this show. 

But not as much as I hate the writers of Supergirl.

That is a picture of an actor I have seen before.  That leads me to believe that John's brother is not actually dead, but rather joined Hive, and they staged his death. 

Oh god.  I love boy Felicity.  His exuberance almost makes up for LITERALLY THE ENTIRE REST OF THE SHOW.

Of course he's alive.  Oliver got his old girlfriend back, now you need your old boyfriend back to stir up trouble.  GEEZ Felicity, don't you know how plot devices work?

Flash 2x05

So, I feel like Barry, with all his greater understanding of possibilities, might consider changing his voice over to "I believe I am the fastest man alive."  Because he might not be.  And I think he's smart enough to know that. I mean, after all, there seem to be about a billion other speedsters out there.

Oh look: previously on the Flash, there was this other Flash, who Caitlyn thought was hot, and then he totally disappeared for an entire fucking episode cause, you know... no budget.

Damn, Jay.  Don't you know that the fastest way to NOT get a man's help is by calling him out in public.  "Hey, this is all your fault.  Now accept blame so we can start fixing it."  Bad call, man.  Bad call.

Oh.  Oh, no.  We are going to find out that Zoom killed the daughter of Harrison Wells 2.0 (who, henceforth, will be known as Hardass Harrison, or just Hardass for short) and that's why he's so set on taking the fucker down.

Hardass Harrison is wicked fucking Hardass. 

Fuck yeah, Flash!  Taking a stand against the NFL!  I mean, kinda in a way that no one will really pay attention to, but what the hell!  Pats on the back all around!

YES!  Pretty blonde, meet Cisco.  Cisco, meet the pretty blonde.  NOW KISS!

NO!  BAD SPIVOT!  DO NOT ASK BARRY TO WORK ON ANYTHING WITH YOU!  Also, I feel like I should tell you that your interaction would have gone better if, instead of saying "want to work on it with me" you had said "would you mind helping me?"  Because dudes are suckers for shit like that.

PS.  Dear Flash writers, thank you for not making Patty ask Barry to help her. 

Oh... oh that was harsh.  Poor Cisco, shot down in the coffee line.

Hey, that new meta is Chickee McGoo from the paper.  I wondered why they were bringing that actress back.

GOD DAMNIT BARRY.  YOU KNOCK THAT SHIT OUT.

Also, just as an aside "I don't want to wait anymore" sounds really creepy for some reason.

Ahaha.  His date is gonna be canceled cause he's blind.  Lolz.  Serves you right.

Also, Caitlyn, could you BE more obvious?  Just bang the man and get over it already.

OMG.  OMG.  HE WEARS HIS SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT.

Oh, I really hope this date is the time that Cisco falls in love with Patty, because he gets to see the whole date through Barry's eyes.  That would be amazing.  That would be such a good plot twist.  I would love it.

You know, Caitlyn, offering someone coffee is like code for offering them sex. 

Now I will replace the word coffee with the word sex EVERY TIME it is ever mentioned on Flash.  "You have sex on your world, right?"  "I think sex is the one constant in the multiverse."

So, if I hadn't just gotten a very upsetting email I would be laughing my ass off over the fact that Caitlyn just got cock blocked by light girl.  Sorry.  Doctor Light.  A moniker which makes no fucking sense.  They should have called her Supernova.  That would have been SO MUCH BETTER.

How did Spivot change clothes so quickly?  I mean, she went right to the crime scene, right?  Does she keep a suit in the back of her car?  Just in case she gets summoned to a crime scene while on a date?

Wow.  Hardass is the best nickname I've ever given.  Also, he knows how to fight.  The man's got some rage.

Oh sadness.  Jay is a chicken shit.  Oh well.  I guess it's good that Caitlyn got cock blocked.  She wouldn't have wanted to bang a chicken shit.

OH MY GOD WHY IS HAWKGIRL WORKING IN A COFFEE SHOP?

Oh.  The Wells girl isn't dead.  Well, that's a pleasant surprise.  Here's hoping she gets saved by SOMEONE.

A note on Scandal

Fitzgerald Grant is a whining, self-centered, cry-baby who completely fails to live up to any measurable standard for manhood. He condemns those around him for committing acts that are no worse than what he himself has done. He belittles and demeans those who have sacrificed their entire lives in order to gain him the position which he now holds. He also then uses that position to bully and oppress those who are struggling like mad to help him.

He is the most grossly ridiculous caricature of a man in power that has ever existed, and I frankly cannot imagine why Shonda Rhimes keeps insisting that Olivia Pope is in love with him.
‪#‎TEAMBALLARD‬. Don't give me this ridiculous long lost love side story. Jake and Olivia deserve each other. Let Fitz go cry on his freaking Vermont farm all alone.

Star Wars Interlude: Is Luke Light or Dark

The light side of the force is the side of logic and reason. The dark side is the side that is fueled by emotion and passion. Neither is good or evil. They're merely different paths to walk. In fact, to give in to either side completely--be that to fall entirely within the sway of your emotions without reason to guide you, or to become a creature driven entirely by cold logic without compassion to make you merciful--can be evil. In fact, I have quite a long rant about Vader on this subject.

The force, as a complete power, yearns towards balance. In the sense that what is natural and right can be called "good," balance must be good. Not light or dark.

Let's start with the nature of the force: It is repeatedly stated that being controlled by your emotions is the primary indicator of the dark side. And not just those emotions which we deem negative. Anakin weds Padme in secret because love is viewed as dangerous. By contrast, the light side is the side of calm, rational decision making. This isn't conjecture on my part, this is accepted cannon. By defining the two sides of the force via the code of the Sith and the Jedi, you're putting the cart before the horse. Their codes don't define the force... the different aspects of the force shaped the users and their code.
So the question isn't "what defines the light and dark side of the force?" The question is, "is either side inherently evil?" And the answer is pretty blatantly no, despite the constant confusion of the general populace between the dark side and evil.
 
After all, Vader's greatest act of redemption is done out of love: and love is an emotion. It is, by definition, part of the dark side of the force. But it was also an act we can all universally agree as good: a father acting in defense of his son. 
 
Don't forget, the idea that the Sith are evil come from the Jedi, and the Jedi HUNTED AND EXTERMINATED as many Sith as they could find, because they had differing religious beliefs. Out of cold, merciless logic. That doesn't make it "good". But it was totally light side, all the way.
Emotions and logic are merely tools we use in decision making. Good and evil are value judgements we place on any given decision. The tool used in making the decision does not inherently influence the value of the decision one way or the other.

Now as to the question of whether Luke went dark.
 
I actually don't think Luke is a Sith. Sith implies that he believes their dogma that the dark side is "better". I also don't think he's Jedi, as that implies that he believes their dogma that that the light side is "better." I think Luke--as one of the few remaining force wielders left after the Jedi killed the Sith and then the Sith repaid the favor by killing the Jedi--has come to realize that neither side is inherently good. That logic without love can cause just as many problems as emotion without reason. And therefore I think we will see a Luke who strives for balance within the force, and in order to maintain that balance, yes, he will use the dark side on occasion. 

Arrow 4x03

Stephen Amell's acting is getting better, but his voice over for the intro is still mind numbingly awful.

I hate to break it to you, John, but varsity track was a LONG ass time ago...

Dude, have you ever tried to hold on to a tooth?  Even a loose one?  Those fuckers are slippery.  You can't just pull a fucking tooth from someone's mouth without pliers or anything.

Malcolm and Nissa would make such a good power couple.   I mean, if they weren't both gay. 

Hey, so, how come that hive guy didn't kill John?  Twice?  I mean, there was an obvious available shot, and he didn't take it.

I love how bad guys don't duck just cause there's gunfire all around them.  They're like "Fuck you.  I'm too evil to cower."

Dude, Ollie has lost his edge.  He's getting is ass kicked by every two bit villain to come down the pipe.  Maybe he needs to stop banging Felicity.  She's clearly bad for his potency.

"Can't you be a normal dad?  Don't you have any NORMAL, fatherly advice?!"

"No, but I got some weird mystical shit that might not involve killing anyone."

"Good enough."

(the best part is that I actually wrote this before finishing that scene.  DAMN I'm good.  I should be a writer for this show.)

I take it back.  Felicity's new code name should be "Mommy"

Ooooohhh... Creepy Daddy love.  Okay, 50/50... option 1, Ras doesn't count as the person who "hurt" her, Oliver does, because Oliver is the one who put her in the pit.  Option 2, Malcolm is now the new Ras, and Thea can rid herself of the blood lust by killing him. 

He is a bad man.  A bad, bad, bad man.  He keeps trying to buy Thea's love, and every move he makes puts more guilt on her soul.  What a bad father.

Someone needs to teach that woman to fight.  If she's gonna hang around with dangerous people who insist on doing dangerous things that are gonna have her ass on the line, she needs to be able to do more than spray and pray.  OPEN YOUR EYES FELICITY!

Poor Sarah.  They brought her back from the afterlife and made her rabid.  That's some fucked up shit right there.

Flash 2x03

Oh my. A full on aerial Iris rescue.  Why are they not making out yet? 

No. NO!  Don't go WRITE your stupid STORY!!!!!  KISS!!!!!!!

OMG.  Barry is a dumbass.  You don't have to speed through the wormhole, you have to vibrate and match your frequency to the alternate world.  Damn, man, don't you know ANYTHING about comic book science?

No.  NO BARRY.  BAD BARRY.  STOP FLIRTING WITH THE COP AND GO MAKE OUT WITH IRIS.  THE PRETTY COP IS FOR CISCO!!!!

NO, NO, NO!!! NO EVIL VILLAINS FOR CISCO!!!  YOU STOP IT RIGHT NOW!  BAD WRITERS!  BAD, BAD WRITERS!

"Lenny would never work with him.  He's a bad guy."  Best line in this show to date.

I like the criminal with a code angle.  He's so delightfully deviant.

Could someone please tell me DAFUQ is up with all this damn color blocking?  I mean, seriously?  I was letting it go in the eight million body con dresses, but now Barry's jacket?  Y'ALL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BEAT THE TREND TO DEATH!

Omg.  Caitlyn, those are sex burgers.  Do not try to pretend that is lunch.  It is an offer of sex, and WE ALL KNOW IT. 

Also, what part of math calculations require Jay to unbutton his shirt and get sweaty?  Not that I disapprove.  Just curious.

Caitlyn's hair and makeup this season are poorly done.  It's like she turned into a messy vamp while mourning her husband.  It's weird.  I don't approve.

Yes.  Please help put together the speed cannon.  I'm sure that's what he wants you to do with your surgeon's hands.  RIIIIIIGHT.  Better go change into a ridiculously flattering pair of coveralls.

New plan.  Barry gives up women all together and hooks up with Captain Cold instead.  Cause those are some intense eye looks going on in the prison.  Just saying.

No, no, no.  NO!  Your hair is lovely and you're super bubbly, but if Barry is giving up on Iris it is going to be so he can have sweet, sweet man love with Captain COLD!  Stop making googly eyes at him, lady cop!

NO CISCO, BAAAAAD CISCO!  NO COOKIE FOR YOU!

How did she help build a rift stabilizer while wearing a super tight pencil skirt?

"Time for me to go back home." 
"Right now?  I mean, we haven't even had celebratory sex yet!"
"Okay, but once we take care of "zoom" I'm going home." 
"That's fair.  Just to be clear, "zoom" is a euphemism for us having really hot sex right?"
"Right."
"Okay.  That's fair."

Oh yeah.  Great call.  Just leave a stabilized mother fucking portal to another world just LYING AROUND UNGUARDED.  WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE!?  DO YOU NOT EVER READ BOOKS?  LIKE, EVER?

P.S.  Hithertofore I shall refer to all my illnesses as wellness hiatuses

Arrow 4x02

I still hate that stupid, stupid new outfit.  Someone needs to like, accidentally rip part of it off.  Like Amidala's shirt in the sand arena.

Can I suggest that Felicity's new code name be Sweet Cheeks?

OH MY GOD THEY GAVE ME A BOY FELICITY!!!!!  IT'S LIKE THE TV GODS KNOW MY DREAMS AND ANSWER THEM!!!!

I cannot begin to tell you how fucking tired I am of these stupid Island flashbacks.  I don't care.  I literally do not give TWO SHITS about what shaped Oliver to be who he is today.  I also don't care how, over the course of five years he somehow managed to come into contact with EVERY SINGLE EVIL FUCKER HE'S EVER GOING TO FIGHT, APPARENTLY.  Can we please, for the love of GOD, finally catch up to the current time and stop having to go back to that mother fucking island? 

I HATE SHOTS OF OLIVER RUNNING THROUGH THE TREES.

Shower thought:  when a show has a scene where someone gets fired, it's frequently a one time role.  So, a fictional firing actually gets someone a temporary job.

Jesus fucking CHRIST, will someone please take away their fake eyelashes already?

Damn, Thea is FERAL, isn't she?

Fuck.  Three years?  Only three years?  Flashback time is moving at the same rate as current time?  DAMNIT.  That means I can't look forward to a flashback free episode of Arrow until season SIX?

Okay, correct me if I'm wrong, but in the first episode of this season didn't Damien threaten to kill all the family members of the city leaders?  How come he cares that this jackwad nabed Hottie McMayor's daughter?

Right, so, this seems like the worst kind of ham fisted writing to me.  "Oh, my threat against your daughter is sincere, but this lacked taste."  What the fuck?  Either the writers are smoking weed, or Damien is banging Jessica, or the girl is actually his daughter. 

Thea needs bigger arm muscles.  It's simply not possible to hold a draw on a bow of any strength for that long with the tiny little spaghetti arms she has.

This is some ole' bullshit.  Oliver fought Raj al Ghul, but some two bit punk with a giant taser took him down?  Please.

Ooooooooh... she lit that man on fire.

I bet Oliver bangs that hot brunette who asked for water.  He needs to bang all the hot women on the island. 

OH HOLY SHIT, THEY'RE GONNA TURN SARA INTO A ZOMBIE!

Flash 2x02

OMG.  Cisco said "Bless your heart" and I think I just snorted biscuit crumbs up my nose.

Also, HELLO, YES OF COURSE THERE'S A PORTAL TO ANOTHER WORLD, AND HOTTIE FIRESTORM IS OVER THERE!!!!  Jeez, people.  Catch up. 

I see Patty Spivot and Cisco banging in the future.  This pleases me greatly.

No.  NO!  STOP MAKING EYES AT BARRY.  You are for Cisco.  And, as you are only an imaginary woman, I choose not to feel guilty about offering you up like a gift to my favorite nerd.

Oh, Caitlyn.  Hottie Firestorm is not going to be pleased by your crush on Flash B.  I, on the other hand, am perfectly happy about it.  You go get you some.

Oh.  Oh, set dressing team.  For shame.  FOR SHAME.  That blackboard is covered with NONSENSE.  Go talk to the crew for Big Bang Theory, and let them scold you properly.

I SAID STOP IT RIGHT NOW.  No cutesie jokes behind the one way glass!  I won't have it!  YOU ARE FOR CISCO!

OMG.  The look on Caitlyn's face when she gives Flash 2.0 his hat.  She ought to be wearing a whip cream bikini. 

Also, her whole speech about "I lost something that was a part of me, too...but it gets easier every day."  Well, yeah, beefcake makes EVERYTHING easier.

Okay, can we just have a minute to talk to the costume crews of Flash and Arrow about the excessive use of fake eyelashes they got going on? 

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!  TOM CAVANAGH!!!!!