Legends of Tomorrow: Laying the Smackdown on the Fifties

I have a dream.  A dream that, one by one, Kendra will hook up with each and every one of the Legends.  Please make this happen.  Please.

Hot rods, underage drinking, and a tragic accident.

Wow.  The cliches are real in this one.

Okay, look... I really, really appreciate TV shows trying to be a little less racist.  That being said, this is small town America in the 1950's, and you sent in an INTERRACIAL COUPLE for a little undercover work?  Why not just wrap them in neon and let 'em walk naked down the street?

Of course, that was a pretty sweet smack down by Kendra.  Never mind, writers, carry on.

I LOVE YOU, COSTUME ROOM!

AHAHAHAAH!!! Leer at her again, skeezeball.  Then we can all chortle with glee while Sara knocks your teeth out.

I'm gonna go ahead and retract my comment above.  I think they're purposefully setting up ways to highlight the cultural differences of the 50's.  Which is actually sort of interesting.  

So... my bad.

 Dear Costume Room, Will you marry me?

Holy shit, his American accent isn't bad.  I mean, it's not good.  But it's not bad.

Whoa, Peggy Sue there either has a serious rebellious streak or, like, the most progressive parents ever to roam the streets of small town America in the mid-twentieth century.  Given her drag racing and drinking proclivities, I'm gonna assume the former.

We could elope to Scotland, where a woman and a costume room can marry 

without the need for all the tedious formalities...

I had about 20 seconds of hope that Sara was gonna get some in the elevator, and then actual plot interrupted.  Damnit, plot.  Why you gotta ruin her game like that?

HOLY SHIT VANDAL SAVAGE IS HOLDING TUNA SURPRISE.  Like, the whole "omg, he's actually your neighbor" thing is not a big deal.  But the fucking tuna surprise?  That's a real shocker.  I'm having a hard time believing it.  Immortal, mass-murdering bad guy... holding a tuna surprise.

And now... Ray is eating the tuna surprise.  Apparently the entire thing.  Alone.  Y'all, I don't want to ruin my street cred, but... I think I love this episode.

...we could buy a little cottage in a place where silhouettes only have to be vaguely 
period appropriate to be deemed "good enough", 
and extreme decolletage can be strong-armed 
into any era... 

 WOW, Stein.  Wow.  That is NOT what we call being a team player.  Team players want EVERYONE to get nookie.  Team players find you an empty broom closet, and another handle of hooch.  Team players can be COUNTED ON, to get a lady laid.

Dude, do you think Vandal Savage has spent centuries finding Kendra before she remembers the past, and trying to tap that?

 ...your dreams would be my dreams, and your dreams, clearly, 
encompass a time when all lapel widths are the same, 
and skinny ties exist in every decade...

Oh, Sara!  Way harsh!!!  You've been totally giving that nurse CFM eyes for two days, and now she makes a move and you shoot her down.  Sadness.  At least explain that it's because you're gonna fly away and leave her, not because she misread the cues.  Misreading the cues is hard on the ego.  

Oh look, a cop not trusting a kid because of the color of his skin.  How quaint and old-fashio--

Wait.

Nevermind.

...a time where a trilby and a fedora are the same thing, and where every 
trench coat is accepted as period equivalent to every 
other trench coat...

Whoa, there, Ray.  Don't forget, she's got to get close to him either way.  Remember, only she can make with the stabby-stabby to any great effect.  Why suddenly get over protective and all caveman like?  Is the air of the 50's wearing off on you?

ACK-shully, I am super intrigued to find out what happens to Firestorm when Jefferson becomes a flying monkey.  Aren't you?  I mean, imagine the possibilities.  

...a time where the best and most gravity-defying undergarments will be available, 
completely free of that conical nonsense that one might be expecting.

Okay, seriously?  If they can infiltrate THAT MANY people in the asylum in the first place, why bother infiltrating it at all?  Just walk casually in the front door, cause clearly NO ONE who works there is paying attention to anything other than hot nurse on nurse action.

It's kinda nice to see at least one character who isn't a dumbass.  Even if that character is the bad guy.  

A time, in short, where a hint of a bare midriff is always acceptable.

LOL.  They're totally prepared to hunt down Vandal Savage, arguably the most dangerous man who ever lived, but one bounty hunter... man, that's just too much.

Until next we meet, my darling costume room, 
I shall remember you--and these shoes--with the most heartfelt fondness.

Legends of Tomorrow: Too Serious For Numbers

They should have made Rip's wife a redhead.
Named Amelia.
Just saying.

Wow, Captain Hunter is on the bridge in his shirt sleeves.  Shit must be bad.  Add that to the unkempt hair and the vague wildness of expression, and I'd say we're at level 7.

In case you're unfamiliar with the more accurate and detailed pain scale from Hyperbole And A Half, I offer it to you now, for reference:

Oh, he's got his coat on and his hair fixed.  He must be feeling better.  Back down to level 3.

Why do you always separate Jefferson and Stein?  I mean, I get that together they make a being of awesome power who would make your plot structures more difficult to work out, but I still think it's just a mind numbingly stupid thing to do--to constantly separate two halves of a bad-ass whole.  Why not work a little harder on the plot, thus allowing your characters to not appear like complete jackasses who consistently make the same mistake over and over?

Question: why make out in the hallway if you're gonna get raked over the coals if you're caught?  Like, why not find a janitor's closet, or something?

Preach, Kendra!!!

Can I get an AMEN for Picard being hotter than Kirk?

I gotta say, this episode is pretty exciting.  I mean, not that I actually believe any of them are in real danger.  But in the general sense that there is much action, and I'm not sure how they're going to resolve it, it passes muster.  And Gideon's snark with Ray is fantastic.   

If this show never did anything but reference Star Trek, Star Wars, and Doctor Who, I would be pretty happy.

Space Ranger Stein is my hero.

Question: why doesn't Ray fly back in for a minute and replenish his oxygen?  Just for shits and giggles?  Is there some physical limitation that keeps him from practicing safe spacewalking procedure?  Or are we just doing stupid things for no reason again?

Mick... I am so sad right now.  This is, like, level 6.

That was the most awkward love story I have ever seen.  Ever.  In the history of television, I have never seen a more awkward love story.  Please bear in mind, I am including Caitlin Snow and Dopple Jay in that assessment.  

THAT'S RIGHT.  MORE AWKWARD THAN THE MISTLETOE KISS.

 Level 10.

On the plus side, I have to admit, I find Kendra and Ray totes adorbs.  Yes, she just lost her soul mate, yadda yadda yadda, but c'mon.  I didn't like that guy.  He was a ginormous ass, and kinda rapey, too.  Ray is sweet and kind and wicked smart, not to mention he has abs for days.  And Kendra deserves to go get her some.  I give this a 9/10 on the scale of things I am okay with.

 Get your Hawk Goddess groove back.

I am finding the end of the Snart-Rory bromance to be really sad.  You better have a good reason for this, writers.  If Lenny legitimately just killed his oldest friend, then I have gone all the way to the end of the chart.

Too serious for numbers.

Legends of Tomorrow: Attack of the Killer Beard

Oh, you thought I had forgotten Legends, didn't you?  But you were wrong.  I was merely spending all my time on completing the first draft of my latest novel.  Anyway, I might give up on that other show featuring she who must not be named, but you know I will always be here for Snart.

Don't be sad, Lenny.  You're my favorite.

Y'all, I ain't gonna lie.  Basically I spend most of every episode hoping that this will somehow morph into a random Doctor Who Crossover.  Especially when they say shit like:

"We're crash landing in time... and... space."

Leonard Snart aside, I think we'd ALL be happier if that magically occurred.  The best part is, since time is so wibbly-wobbly to begin with, we could have DAVID TENNANT BACK!

That... got away from you a bit, didn't it?

Seriously?  This is 30 years from your time.  You think Oliver hasn't gotten himself shot by now?  I mean really, what are the odds of that man making it to 2046?

Pardon?  Excuse moi?  I believe, in point of fact, it DOES matter if it takes you "down the road or through time."  I imagine that particular engine has parts you don't even have NAMES FOR.  I find the idea that you can repair it HIGHLY unlikely.  And, given the fact that this is a show about reincarnating, body-melding, zombie-fied, time-traveling meta-humans, THAT'S REALLY SAYING A LOT.

Ooooooohhhh... Sara Lance done threaten to THO' DOWN ON YOU SON!  

Backing off.  Excellent option.  Well played.

 Do not anger the blonde killing machine.

Oh, Jefferson.  You are too young for her, man.  That's seriously NEVER gonna happen.

Plus, apparently she wants to play flirty-flirty kissy face with Richey McWhinerson (yes, that is Ray's new name.  Yes, he will keep it until he stops being such a damn noob) because you know, she didn't just have the earth shattering grief of having her soul mate die, or anything.

Holy balls, people, trying to get you to be sensible is like herding really pissy cats.  YOU ARE MUCKING ABOUT WITH TIME.  WANDERING OFF BECAUSE YOU HAVE A RANDOM WHIM FOR CHAOS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA!!!!

Really?  None of the motley gang of ruffians has a ranged weapon?  None of them?

Nah, it's cool, guys.

Don't, like, try to stop them.

There's no way you could huck a rock, or something.

 Just stand there and watch 'em go.

Good call.

Richey McWhinerson, I have a question.  Why can't you save the world AND hook up?

Although, seriously, all you dudes need to back the fuck up from the grieving widow.  This is getting a little creepy.

Yup.  Professor, you done fucked up.  Way to prompt Clueless McGoo (yes, that is Ray's OTHER name.  Yes, I will use them interchangeably at will) that he had a real live girl working beside him.

Damn right Leonard.  You are the boss of everybody.  Because you are the MAN.

 I reiterate.  The.  Man.

Let's go back to time for a minute.  Remember time?  I had those cute gifs up above with David Tennant?  Right, okay...

If the future is constantly in flux, then so is the past.  Confused?  You ought to be.  Because the way this fucking show talks about time travel doesn't make a damn bit of sense.  But, for simplicity's sake, let's just put it like this.  In a reality where time travel exists, one person's future is another person's past.  Which means, at any given point, you are simultaneously inhabiting both the past and the future.  They're the same thing.  And therefore, if the future is always in flux, so, too, must be the past.

Wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey... Stuff. 

So, anyway, what I'm saying is... Rip Hunter is full of shit, and the writers on this show need to think about their science a little bit more.  Or, at the very least, their logic.

Exemplary Timing.

Sara Lance is having a real issue with the whole "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World" angle to the future.  I don't think the League accepts complete dumbasses into their ranks, so I'm a little confused at to why she isn't on board for immediately going back to 2016 and making sure this shit never happens in the first place.

The fact that Jefferson and the Professor can't keep secrets from each other is pretty awesome, actually.  I really hope they don't forget all about that little dynamic once this episode is over.

Oh, Rip.  Oh, Rip.  Telling them they don't understand the dangers of meddling with the timeline?  That's like the pot calling the kettle black.  Also, I love how you're like "meddling with the future is arguably more dangerous than changing the past" given that, in point of fact, ALL OF THIS IS YOUR PAST.  DID YOU FORGET THAT YOU'RE FROM THE FUTURE?

 I have made a simple graphic, to illustrate the point.

NOOOOO!!!!  Boys, don't fight!!! You're the dream team!!!  You're my favorite criminal duo!!!  C'mon, kiss and make up.

Damnit, Sara.  Just ONCE I would like someone to do something practical, effective, and sane instead of acting like an altruistic idiot.  Altruism is great in the general sense, but when you can accomplish the same damn thing with a less desperate gambit?  I am so confused by your lack of rational decision making.

Oliver, one arm does not compromise anywhere NEAR half your body mass.  I think you might be confused about what "literally" means.

Guys.  Guys.  That beard is KILLING me.

 Killing me.

NO!  CLUELESS MCGOO!!!  DON'T DO IT!!!  

DO NOT PROPOSITION THE WOMAN WHO JUST LOST HER SOUL MATE!!!

There it goes.  The plane holding your nookie hopes and dreams.  Crashing and burning.

HAH!  Okay, Ray, you have officially earned your name back, by not being oblivious for once.  I hope this shared experience with Jefferson leads to a deeper friendship between the two of you.

And, by "deeper friendship" I mean "NOW KISS."

Gideon, that observation was on point.  Way to give credit where it's due.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

Okay, I am literally in the middle of writing a different post right now, but I had to stop and make sure everyone saw this:

The note reads "All your wildest dreams will come true."

NOW KISS!!!!!!

Let's Talk About Toys.

Yeah.  I said toys.  Just go with it.

DC, in an effort to pull itself out of the Dark Ages, is finally marketing Heroes to small feminine people.  Yeah, they've got that terrible show which will henceforth be anathema to me, but I'm not talking about that.  I'm talking about this:

Oh ye gods, the SPANDEX

For a larger version, click here

That's right, gentlefolk.  I'm talking about DC Super Hero Girls.  The latest toy marketing scheme intended to coax your children who like ladies into dropping a load of your hard earned cash at the nearest retail outlet.  Yes, there are loads of issues with it.  And yes, the bottom dollar is, as always, the final end goal.  But today I am not here to make complaints.

Today, I am here to--cautiously--express a certain amount of approval. 

Take a look at that picture up there.  Seven super females, and not a single one of them is wearing a high-cut leotard.  Most of them, in fact, are sporting pants.  Supergirl's mini-skirt is a decent length, and Ivy's even got leggings on under her skirt.  I'm not going to go so far as to call them practically dressed, but it's a damn sight better than your typical Super Lady get-up.

I mean, come on!  They're wearing FLATS!!!  Boots, sneakers... Not a heel among them.  The least practical shoe up there is Ivy, and ballet slippers are perfectly fine for moving in, even if they don't provide the same protection for your toes when you're kicking something in the ass. 

And the toys?  Well, I was out the other day, and spotted this end display:

Does anyone else think when they're all turned to the right like that they 

look like they're doing some sort of odd line dance?

I've been really skeptical of these products.  After all, they took ponies and made them hyper-feminine, if they can do that they can do anything, and I was scared of what we would be getting here.  Still... it's not bad.

Yes, their heads are still stupidly big.  And, for some disappointing reason, they've chosen to give them sneaker heels in the toy version.  But, I gotta say, as a step up from your typical fashion doll, this is pretty good.

For reference, here are a few examples of toys from another "High School Girls" toy marketing line.

Okay, look.  Their heads?  They're like... three times the size of a normal head.  Maybe four.  And it really makes you wonder how they don't snap their own ridiculously thin necks under all that weight.  Check out the one on the left.  Toothpicks.  The girl is teetering around on toothpicks.  I'm willing to let the transparent skirts go, because apparently this is the "beach" line, but then why on earth are they wearing stripper heels?  How are STRIPPER HEELS a reasonable footwear option on the sand?!?!?!

*deep breaths*

Right, anyway, with that in mind, take a gander at the DC Super Hero Girls.

Wonder Woman, SG, and Harley

Heads still too big?  Sure.  But only twice as big.  And while their necks are by no means burly, they do not appear to be too small to actually contain a spinal column, so that's great.  If you check out Harley's right arm, you can see something that really pleases me; all the girls have muscle definition.  And their legs?  Still thin, but there are thigh bulges and calf bulges that indicate actual muscle.  And check this out!!!

BEE HAS A BOOTY!!!

That's right, folks.  It's not big, but at least one of our girls has a little bit of junk in her trunk.  

So, final verdict?  I'm pleased with the toys, but kind of sad all the same.  I have to be pleased, because they're such a vast improvement over what came before.  But it kind of hurts that what came before is so egregiously terrible that even a nod to normal physiology can make me this happy.

Good job, toy industry, but don't stop there.  Someone get me a toy version of Faith.  Then I'll be satisfied.

Supergirl: The Donut That Broke the Camel's Back

Friends, I am not a woman of elegant or refined tastes.

I do not read esoteric art novels.  Abstract sculpture leaves me unmoved.  And I prefer cinema with explosions to that which explores the human psyche.

I still haven't seen Life of Pi.

But even I--even I--have a limit to what I will slog through in the form of mindless entertainment, and friends...

I have met my limit.

Was it--you might ask--the continued brat like behavior of Kara Danvers being unable to forgive the death of her homicidal aunt?  No it was not.  Although damn, Kara, the woman was playing with fire and she got burned.  To death.  And you're going to blame the fire?  You're going to say "Gee, Hank, I know I've worked with you for a while now, and Alex is my sister, and that Astra was legit trying to kill you both and you stopped it the only way you could, but instead of understanding that sometimes people have to make shitty choices I'm just going to rage about how "I was bringing her back to the light!"*"

*side note.  You need to read that in the whiniest voice you can manage.  Thank you.

So it wasn't that.  Nor was it the stupid fucking blue cat-suit they decided on for Braniac 8.  The rant I could write about that is probably PAGES long.  But I am going to restrain myself, because it doesn't matter that it's the stupidest fucking costuming idea ever, since that wasn't the thing that pushed me over the edge.

It wasn't that Cat Grant, one of the only worthwhile characters on the whole damn show, is continuing to punish Kara for not liking her son.  Although, honestly, if I can think of a thing that is LESS empowering for a woman to do than to punish another woman for not loving a man I WILL LET YOU KNOW, because I have yet to figure out anything less feminist IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

It wasn't even that the new assistant who I STILL HATE is now MAKING OUT WITH WINN IN THE ELEVATOR.

No.  It wasn't any of those things.

It was the mother-fucking donuts.

 Yup.  These donuts.

For those of you staring blankly at your screen, allow me to elucidate. 

Every time this show portrays Supergirl chowing down on junk food, all while remaining waifish and delicate, it pisses me off.  If she was buff I suppose I might let it slide--all those calories are feeding her muscles, right?  But no.  She looks like a strong wind could break her in half.  And yet, every episode, we see her with ice cream.  Pizza.  Chips.  Milkshakes.  Chinese food.  She and her loving sister even joke about it. 
"You're gonna get fat."  Says Alex.
"Not on this planet." Says she.

And it makes me mad, cause it's like the supermodels who have a personal trainer and a private chef and three round-the-clock nannies and then a magazine runs an article about how they "dropped the baby weight in just ten weeks!"  It feels like a lie the magazines tell us, even thought it's technically true.  And if THAT is a lie--when certainly, technically, it IS physically possible--how much more of a lie is it to show us an alien that CAN'T get high cholesterol or unsightly bulges chowing down on pizza and pie? 

Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of showing women who eat like normal people.  But to show us someone who eats normally, only with the caveat that it's her alien DNA that keeps her thin--that just feels like a punch in the face.  It's like a metaphor for this whole damn show.  It pretends to be feminist, all the while actually being TERRIBLE for women.  They gave us a female hero, but they made her emotionally weak.  Instead of letting her run with the big dogs they gave her appropriately "delicate" issues to work through every episode.  It's the pretense of giving us a female icon, while at the same time subverting her power every chance you get.  They pretend she's a role model, when really she's just reinforcing the stereotype.

After all.  She gets to eat like that because she CAN'T get fat.  Not because she works hard or (god forbid) because a little extra junk in her trunk is a fine thing.  No, no.  It's because she's Supergirl.  Faster than a speeding bullet, able to eat an entire pizza in a single gulp.

You mortals better stick to salad.

And so the donuts--the MOTHER-FUCKING DONUTS--are the final straw.  Because Alex shows up with donuts for her sister, and while that is a kind and generous gesture--
--although, for future reference, anyone showing up at my door will get much better treatment if they come with coffee and an omelet--
--I immediately started snarling at the screen.  And when Supergirl opened that pink box I felt my last iota of patience stretch as she reached in an took out a donut.

Then she reached in and grabbed a second one, and my already worn patience broke clean through.

I cannot take this nonsense anymore.

So that is how this particular branch of the Why Aren't They Kissing tree ends.  Not with a series ending or even with a well thought out and reasoned farewell.  No, it ends with donuts.  Because I am fucking tired of their pseudo feminist bullshit that never rings true.  And the donuts were the last fucking straw.

 

Arrow: Because Secrets Always Bite You In The Ass

I adore Curtis's husband.  So much.  Also, I'm kind of worried that the reason they're introducing him as a more regular character is so that they can kill him at the end of the season.  I imagine Felicity would be pretty pissed if they killed her right-hand-nerd's husband.  And Oliver would feel mega-guilt if the handsome physical therapist helped his wife to walk and then got dead for his pains.

 TAKE COVER, PAUL!

Oh, look.  The cat is out of the bag.  Felicity knows you have a son.  WHO COULD EVER HAVE PREDICTED THIS TRAGIC TURN OF EVENTS????

Uh... Animated Adventure?  Hold on...

Well, my goodness.  Check that out.

I gotta say, for some reason Vixen's powers look awfully silly when translated to live action.  I wish they had put a little more thought into making her more suited to TV.

Oh, oh... Oh, Oliver, nice.  Way to slowly and carefully extract your foot from your mouth.  Now is a bad time to order Felicity around.

Ollie, it's nice that your baby-momma is defending you, but I gotta say, I think Felicity has a right to be pissed.  It'd be one thing if she swore you to secrecy and literally no one else knew.  But, you know, like a BILLION people knew.  You just kept it from HER.

Dear Laurel.  Get over yourself.  He banged your sister.  Anything after that is pretty much small potatoes.

 Sweaty and Naked, the Ollie and Sara Story.

OMG.  OH SHIT!!!  Something just trickled through my brain...
So, you know how John was talking about the way you keep your kids safe is by keeping them close?  I was like "yeah, clearly that advice is gonna come back to haunt Oliver into making a stupid decision, like publicly acknowledging his son so that every bad guy with a grudge can take a pot shot at the boy."  But I kinda didn't think too much about it.  Then I was sitting here, idly watching the fight scene, and I thought "oh, damn, what if it's his kid that dies?"  But then I thought "nah, CW isn't that dark.  They're not gonna kill a kid.  That's crossing a line."
But then it hit me.  What if it's Oliver's Baby Momma in that grave?
OH SHIT!!!!

You know, that kind of face to face proximity makes it hard to continue believing that Dark doesn't know who Arrow is.

 Nah, dude, cause... Masks.  

Right.

Masks.

Fascinating.  I'm glad he had to withdraw from the race.  They might do an about face, but it's nice to see something bad actually happen, instead of having a deus-ex-random plot device save everything at the last moment.

You know, for people on a rescue mission, hoping to get the hostage back alive, they're making AN AWFUL LOT OF NOISE.  HAVE YOU PEOPLE NEVER HEARD OF STEALTH AND ALL IT'S MANY ADVANTAGES?

Turning around is so prosaic. 

I offer you, instead, complete bullshit.

Uh-oh, Malcolm.  The cat is out of the bag.  Your ass is in the hot seat, now.  Oliver is gonna straight up, legit kill you.

AHAHAHAHAH!!!!  Check it out... Oliver and Vixen are standing in the single dry spot in the rain.  Which is convenient, because it means they don't have to keep wiping their faces while they shoot the scene, and also her hair doesn't go flat.

 Just two very dry people, standing in the rain.

Hey, maybe THEA will straight up legit kill him.  That would be full of poetic justice.

Dear Stephen Amell,
I would like to make it clear that, whatever I may have said about your acting in season one, I feel like you've more than made up for it in the intervening time.  Nice job on the whole "saying good-bye to your kid" scene.

Also, holy shit, Arrow, way to hit me right in my own personal feels.  While I recognize the achievement, I'm not sure I'm pleased about it. 

WHO CALLED IT?
WHO FUCKING CALLED IT?

Felicity regains the use of her legs,

just in time to walk out.