Supergirl 1x03

I don't know.  I don't know why I'm still watching.

I swear to god.  If she doesn't stop being so fucking gawky and awkward I am going to throttle her.  She is embarrassing me.

Why is it that, if she's faster than a speeding bullet, she can't dodge fucking anything?

Seriously?  Seriously?  Like, we have to rub in the whole "Kara is incompetent compared to her big ol' masculine cousin who has to swoop in and save her" angle.

Dear writers.  If you ever use the phrase "scared I was going to lose you" again I will find you and stab you.  Hard.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ OUTLOUD, WE JUST READ THAT WHOLE GOD DAMN CONVERSATION.  YOU'RE TRUSTING WE CAN READ.

That scene with the sisters and the chinese food was the best scene that's been in the series so far.  Hands down.  Which is really sad.

Arrow 4x06

Okay, I never thought I'd say this, but thank god I'm back to the quality and consistency of this fine television program.  I mean, I like to bitch about it, but after an episode of Supergirl I am almost in rhapsodies about how fantastic this is.

Of COURSE Ray is alive.  If he wasn't, how could they launch another spin off series?

So, maybe it's just me, but I'm thinking if I was playing with dangerous, possibly explosive technology, I might NOT do it in an office building with all those highly breakable windows around.  I might do it in an underground bunker.  Just saying.

OH LOOK, ALEX AND THEA ARE ALONE TOGETHER.  I WONDER WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN?

"Oh, no, my life's complicated, we can't possibly go out."

"How about we just suppress our interest until we have wild alley sex, or something?"

"Yeah, sounds good."

Felicity, both the original and 2.0, are the best.  The absolute best.  But they really need to watch those energy drinks.

AHAHAAHA!!! All I want in life right now is for Felicity 2.0 to have a chance to see Oliver do the Salmon Ladder.

Oh thank god.  His name is Curtis!  I've got to remember that.  It's rude to keep calling him Felicity.

Hold up, hold up, HOLD UP!  Lemme get this straight.  The drug lord on the island also just COINCIDENTALLY knows how to use the thing that Constantine said was just a BAUBLE to find ancient glowing magics in the cave that, until Constantine showed up, he didn't even know was on the ISLAND?

IT ISN'T ACTUALLY THAT HARD TO MAKE THINGS MAKE SENSE, PEOPLE.  TRY HARDER.

ooooooooo... Felicity's getting salty with her man.  Apparently trying to save ex-boyfriends brings out the claws.

OH MY GOD!!! HE'S ITTY BITTY!  I want to keep him in my pocket.  Then, when I have a use for him, I'll blow him up to normal sized.

And we're BACK to salty.  Although she has a point.  Oliver is used to being the hero, but all their challenges thus far have been largely fight-ey in nature.  Now that they need a tech hero he can't really cut it.  And while Felicity could have been nicer, I kind of appreciate that she's cutting through the bullshit.  I mean, Oliver wouldn't have been nicer in the same circumstance, so I don't see what Felicity has to be.

CAUSE SOMETIMES EQUALITY MEANS WE ALL GET TO BE SALTY.

OMMFG.  Of course his name is Vlad.  OF COURSE it is.

I would like Felicity to continue to refer to Ray's current size as comparable to food products.

I would also really enjoy seeing Felicity try to kick Oliver's ass.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!  AHAHAHAAHAHAH!  Oliver Queen, badass of Star City, cannot withstand the deadly dart of the sad emojis.  Amazing.

Hearing Oliver say "I make a fantastic Chicken Cordon Blue" is literally like the pinnacle of television history.

Sigh.  Oh look.  The happy couple has an issue, and instead of talking it over like adults they are suddenly estranged.  What a giant shock.

Okay, prediction:  Whatever else happens this season, Felicity is going to find that diamond ring in the dish where Oliver hid it.  She's going to put everything together, and realize he's been planning on proposing.  This will fill her with joy, as she realizes she does love him, and that doesn't have to keep her from being herself. That he'll support her no matter what.  She'll put the ring on, vowing to find Oliver and tell him all is well, and they can be married as soon as he likes.

THEN SHE'LL DIE.

No?  Too much?

Why don't we have that kind of time?  Have we discovered that they're planning on serving mini-Ray stew?  Cause I gotta say, I think--no matter the fear--it's better to take your time with your ONE SHOT AT RESCUE rather than just rush it and blow the whole thing.  But don't listen to me.  Let's go with standard TV TACTICS INSTEAD!

OH, YES, USE THIS AS THE TESTING GROUND FOR THE BLOOD LUSTY ONE, TOO!  LET'S JUST MAKE THIS A COMPLETE SHIT SHOW!

How did Damien fall for that?  I mean, shouldn't there be a sign and counter sign for the organization that uses masks all the time?  Just to make sure, I don't know, that NO ONE IS INFILTRATING YOU?

Curtis, I love you.  I love you so much.  Don't ever change. 

If I could have one super power, it would be the ability to force choke people.  Okay, that's a lie.  It would be the ability to fly.  But force choking runs a close second.

Oh look!  He's yummy sized again.  Now HE can do salmon ladders for Curtis, TOO!

LOL.  I love how they're all like "oh yeah, well, Thea can handle it" conveniently forgetting that the reason she can handle it is that her daddy sent her two goons to murder.  And Sara thinks going away will somehow curb the blood lust.  HILARIOUS!  Like you can get distance from a curse.

Hey, Sara's going to Central!  I hope she does a cameo on the Flash

Oh no.  Oh no.  No complicated parental relation... OH WELL THAT'S NOT GONNA BE AWKWARD!

I hope Felicity finds out when she finds Captain Lance in her kitchen in his underwear.  No, better yet, I want Oliver to run into Captain Lance, while they're BOTH in their underwear.

Lolz.  I don't think you can sex away bloodlust, but I give you my blessing to try, Thea.

Flash 2x06

Here's what I don't get about "Doctor Light" (still fucking pissed about that stupid name, BTW).  I get that Barry might not be moving faster than the speed of light (although if he can make speed illusions of himself and travel through MOTHER FUCKING TIME then he surely CAN, but maybe he doesn't ALWAYS run that fast) so her bolts could hit him.  BUT, surely her ARMS aren't faster than the speed of light.  Why, oh why, when she moves her arms does he not just run around behind her?  He's fast enough to catch three mother fucking bullets, he doesn't have to LET HER HIT HIM.

Which is, of course, why this has to be a set up.

But it bothered me last episode, too.

Hahahahahahaha.  Hardass calls Cisco "Ramone."  Please, please, never send him back to his home dimension.  He provides me with so much joy.

Dude, Caitlyn about had an orgasm when she said "vibing."  She's such a groupie.  I mean hell, she was even gonna bang Mr. Lost My Super Speed.  She needs a power of her own.

Tom Cavanagh is actually a really good actor.  He could have shown the pride without having to literally explain that his daughter was his greatest delight.  Seriously.  I'm gonna have these writers taken out and shot.  With a bazooka.

And here we go, in the "completely unneccessary secrets" file, we have the fact that Spivot doesn't get to know that the Flash is holding some metas. 

OH!!! SPIVOT GOT GAME!!! SHE GOT GAAAAAAAAAAAAME!

Damnit.  I didn't want to like this relationship, but now I do.

That was dumb, Cisco.  Super, wicked, fucking dumb.  I figured it out the moment I saw the clothes.  YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A GENIUS!

"I'm keeping my options open."  PREACH, JOE!

AHAHAHAHAAHAH!!! And just when I'm mad at the writers, they pull out a gem.  Wonder what happened at Barry's HS football tryouts.

Hardass is gonna stab Cisco.  Then he'll have been killed by two DIFFERENT Wells!

Is that a SONIC SCREWDRIVER?

They really should just consider asking him.  You know?  He might tell them.

Okay, I'm just gonna point out:  They're letting LINDA know that every single one of those people knows Flash personally.  AND they're letting her know that there's a Hardass doppleganger walking around.  AND SHE'S A MOTHER FUCKING REPORTER WHO IS PROGRAMMED TO TELL PEOPLE SHIT.  But they're not going to tell Spivot, who already knows that Joe works with the Flash, that the Flash holds some metahumans personally and that's why the Light case was closed... WHY NOW?

Dear human girl.  Do not point the thing that explodes stuff with light at your face.  Bad idea.

Don't high five, either.

OH MY GOD!!!  AND NOW SHE KNOWS WHO BARRY IS!!! 

I mean, I don't really care.  It's fine with me.  But why aren't they telling SPIVOT?

I'm seriously disappointed you haven't done more than make out with him, to be honest.  I mean, damn, girl.  Y'all dated for a while.

FUCK YOU TV SHOW WITH YOUR STUPID TROPE OF NOT EXPLAINING THINGS IN ORDER TO CREATE FALSE DRAMA.  JUST FUCKING TELL HER THE FLASH IS USING DR LIGHT TO LURE OUT ZOOM.  JESUS CHRIST.

Uh, that smoke is super unnatural, so now I think the real Dr Light is hidden in it.

Ummm... so, aside from general hilarity, what is the point of all this?  I mean, seriously?  Do they think Zoom is watching them?  If he was, why would he need the insignia thrown through?  Why can't they just huck through the fucking medallion and be done with it?

Ohhhhhhhhhhh... the weird smoke is the portal.

Why do they not just start calling the old Wells "Eobard" or even "Thon"?  Wouldn't that make it easier?  And more accurate?

I'm pretty sure Joe just told Barry to be a man whore.

Well, it certainly looks like Barry took the advice that way, however it was intended.

HEY, I HAVE A GREAT IDEA!!!! IRIS AND LINDA SHOULD BANG! 

Of course, that will be hard if she gets turned into a pancake.

Oh dear.  That Zoom fellow broke Barry's spine.  Poor form.

Well.  I saw that coming.  They needed a delivery device that was keyed to Zoom's genetic code or something.

OF COURSE YOU CAN'T FEEL YOUR LEGS, THAT MAN BROKE YOUR SPINE!

Supergirl 1x02

Okay, so, before I get into this episode...

I think I've pinpointed my beef with this show.

Arrow wasn't an origin story.  They went into it with the premise that Oliver had already become whatever it was he needed to be that season.  Over the course of the first season we came to hear the back story of HOW he became that way, but they weren't trying to power through a whole fucking season's worth of emotions in one episode.  The acting was terrible (so was the writing, I guess) but the premise of the plot arc was solid.

Flash chose a different route, but again, they came in with characters who already had a solid foundation.  Barry was already trying to clear his dad.  The Star Labs group was pre-formed.  He already knew Oliver, so he'd probably already considered the whole "would I or wouldn't I" aspect of being a hero. 

CBS completely fucked it up when they came to Supergirl.  They are RACING to get through a certain amount of emotional development, and it's killing them.  Episode 1 should have been establishing who she is, and then at the end she saves the plane.  Episode 2 should have been her fight with her sister, the emotional fallout she felt from that, and revealing herself to Jeremy Jordan.  Basically, the pilot could have been half of a season.  It could have been a WHOLE season, if they'd added more interesting things in there.

Arrow and Flash (and Daredevil, for that matter) weren't in a hurry to get to the character everyone recognizes.  They were willing to take the chance and go slow to give people a character worth watching.

Supergirl is too afraid they're gonna lose the fans if they don't head straight for the red spandex.  And they completely, totally, 100% fucked themselves.

Okay, on to the episode:

So, what I'm learning here is that she has super strength, but she's also a super dumbass.  Like, somehow in her entire life she hasn't learned that pushing works better than pulling?  And, OMG.  Unless she melted that fucking ship with her heat vision then there's no way she ripped it apart.  She'd just pull it out of the water first.

Oh look.  I found the bad guy.  I wonder if she'll bang him before she figures out he's only in it for the power?

God damnit, Jimmy.  Let the girl take her knocks like she owns a pair of panties.  You can reassure her later.  With sex.

Sorry.  I love Callista Flockheart.  She's like a female J Jonah Jameson.  It's awesome.

I don't know what SHE sees out the window, but I see two people who better start banging soon.

Hey, Supergirl is DC, and Blade is Marvel.  What are the reapers from Blade doing in this episode?

Ummm... why does she have the family crest on her PJs?  Isn't that a little bit of overkill?

What do you know about it's species?  Oh, not much?  Maybe you should just call MARVEL AND ASK THEM ABOUT THE REAPERS!

"And last week I kicked Vartoxxes butt"  I mean, you know, after I almost gave up cause my pretty eye lasers weren't working fast enough.

Yeah, I don't blame her sister.  I want to punch her, too

To be clear, I am rooting for Supergirl to get her ass kicked.  If you're fighting supes you need to learn to fight.  Period.

Oh, did the whiney little girl get mad cause someone could beat her?  Perhaps the whiney little girl should see the value of the lesson instead.

Gonna say it again.  Love Callista Flockheart.

Oh, how cute.  The boys wanna fight over her.  I hope she bangs the bad guy instead.

Oh Jesus.  These writers.  These writers and their clunky, expository sentences.  I am going to stab someone.

(a) do they not have fucking Jobs?  Like, I get that Olsen is a photographer, and is probably supposed to be out of the office anyway, and I get that Jeremy Jordan is... uh... I don't know.  Maybe a tech guy, and can work remotely?  But how does an ASSISTANT have time to just be out of the office like that?

(b) It would take more than someone rescuing a fucking snake out of a tree to make me forget about an ECOLOGICAL DISASTER.  That bitch better figure out a way to clean up the bay.

I really wish they'd stop just calling him "her cousin."  I've said this before, but it gives me a total Lord Voldemort vibe.  Is there a licensing issue or something?  I mean, they seriously go out of their way to never say Superman.  So far I count five different euphemisms for Superman.

I don't like this conversation.  Alex was RIGHT.  Supergirl is going to go up against a host of aliens with powers, and she can't just rely on them to win every time.  She really needs to learn to actually fight and take care of herself.  I don't want it to turn into a whole weepy "please, just trust me" moment.  STOP BEING SUCH A GODDAMN STEREOTYPE OF A GIRL!

Now, see, if I were Kara, I would fly into Callista's bedroom at night, wake her up, tell her to stop being such a raging bitch, further tell her that I had some falling out with my cousin, so trying to get to me through him is a bad idea, and then say that I hated extortion in any form.  Someone who wanted an interview with me would earn it by doing good things.  Otherwise, she could go hang.  Because real superheros know never to give up the high ground.

MOTHER FUCKER WITH THE TERRIBLE EXPOSITORY SENTENCES!!!  "Given the Helgrim's superior sense of smell, he should sense the DDT in the air by now..."  JESUS CHRIST.  HOW DO THEY GET THESE JOBS? 

Also, how do I get that job.  Because I am 100% convinced that I can do better than this, and if that's true then I see no reason I shouldn't get paid money to fix their fuck ups.

Why da fuq does an S stand for El Mayara?  There isn't even a fucking S in there!  Someday, someone is gonna have to explain how the house of El with their fucking El Mayara ended up making a crest that looks EXACTLY like an Arabic S. 

Hah!  That phone call on the balcony.  I'm gonna start calling perfect interruptions like that "Deus Ex Cock Block."

Flying with your eyes closed seems like a great way to hit a building.  Just saying.

Astra's all like "oh you humans are so fragile"  but the only reason she's NOT is because of our sun.  On Krypton they're just as fragile as we are.  What the fuck?  Did she forget?

I get that she magically hears all the people who talk to her because of her powers, but how is she managing to tap into their radio system so she can talk back without at least an earbud or something?

They're doing such a shitty job of making SG a sympathetic or charismatic character.  I can totally get behind rooting for Alex.  But SG doesn't move me AT ALL.  I like her LEAST out of all the characters, and I am including her evil aunt and Special Officer Stick Up His Butt in that assessment.

Alex.  How did you build that place if the door will only open for Kara?

Way to save on scenic budget, guys.  Bad guys should always work in low lighting.

You know, dumbass, if you had flown her somewhere that you could be backlit it would have done wonders for helping to hide your face.  I mean, props on stealing the car, but if you're gonna do a thing, do it RIGHT.

Supergirl 1x01

OH SHIT SON, THAT IS DEAN CAIN!!!!

I love how much of a bitch Calista Flockheart is.  I really hope she keeps it up.

Oh, that pretty, tall man just smiled at you.  He's very pretty.  And very tall.  You could fly right on up there and give him a kiss.

Oh, but apparently he's totally in love with Superman.  Nevermind.  Go kiss Jeremy Jordan instead.  He's pretty, too, even though he isn't so tall.

What kind of fucking lame ass person stops FLYING just so they can be normal?  That shit is fucked up.  Supergirl, you disappoint me.

Also, learn to answer a question without stammering.  I am gonna punch you in the face, otherwise.  You might not be able to feel it, but I will do it anyway.  You are embarrassing women as a whole.

DUDE!  Don't break your SISTER!

Awwww... Jimmy, look at you with your backhanded inspirational speeches.

"Nice for my daughter to have someone like that to look up to."  Yeah.  Be even better if she wasn't such a damn dishrag.

Faster than a speeding bullet, sure, but not a speeding dart gun.

HOW ARE HER EARS PIERCED?  HOW IS THAT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE?  DID SHE DIG THROUGH THEM WITH HER OWN FUCKING FINGERNAILS?

To be fair, I think ANYONE flying around in a red skirt is hard to ignore.

Really?  You're like, the most powerful being on the planet (maybe #2, if Superman is stronger than you) and you're gonna cat fight with your sister?  Really?

Okay.  I'm gonna break with convention here and say I actually like how they dealt with the whole nomenclature issue.  I mean, they could hardly have called her anything else.  But having a hoity bitch brand her, instead of having her actually pick that as her OWN name, is so much better.

Although immediately having a man come to her rescue is NOT.

No matter how pretty he is.

OMG.  Can someone please teach that tiny little actress how to throw a punch?

Okay, but I'm okay with her getting rescued by her bad ass human sister.  That's fine.

NO.  NO.  NO NO NO.  BAD WRITERS.  You do not take the awesome big sister who just saved her little sister's ass, even though her little sister is a freaking SUPERHERO, and then make it all about jealousy.  Seriously, fuck you writing team.

Ugh.  This is some bullshit tugging-on-the-heart-strings nonsense, and it's not even well acted.

How did SHE start it?  I mean, it's not like she made any conscious decisions about going into the phantom zone or exiting it.  It was an accident--which she slept through.

God she's such a whiner.  First she pretends to give up, then 10 seconds later she ACTUALLY gives up.  Where's her backbone?

Oh no, you' ARE calling it the superfriends.  Cisco and Jeremy Jordan got together and decided.

Why do they keep saying "HE" instead of Superman, or Clark, or even Kal-El?  What is he, motherfucking Voldemort?

Is James trying to get her to fly away so he can look up her dress?

Okay.  This show is terrible.  It's as terrible as Arrow was when it first started.  And, to boot, the heroine isn't even bad ass.  I object.  I particularly object because obviously I'm going to keep watching it.

Arrow 4x05

Oh my, god my god:  Your own personal Chappaquiddick--

What, you mean like that game from Harry Potter?

I about fucking died.

I bet one of the writer's actually asked that, and it made its way into the show.  It's too damn funny to have been written on purpose by the actual show writers. 

Dear Thea.  If you are going to be a member of a vigilante justice team, you have to answer the mother fucking phone.

Oh, I kinda like Laurel's "fuck you, Oliver, you aren't the god king just cause the show is named after you" speech

Lol.  Constantine just said he was on the side of the angels.  Lol.

That girl is just breaking windows all over the city, isn't she?

So, fan theory (I haven't finished the episode yet) Sarah is going to end up being rabid all season, but in the end she'll be pointed at Damien Dark like a bazooka and take him out in a mutually assured destruction cage match.  This will, of course, be AFTER basically everyone cozies up to Dark in an attempt to get him to use his mystical powers to get her soul back.

Snerk.  I plan on using the phrase "You waiting around for a cupcake or something?" exhaustively.  You have been warned.

Oh, lame.  Constantine is getting her soul back?  Eh.  Total wasted opportunity on the part of the writers.  It would have been so much more intriguing to have them try to manipulate it out of Dark.

Nope.  Nope.  Oliver shouldn't be all Arrow in his mind.  He should be wearing a suit and have long hair and carry a bow.  And Laurel should be in a "Black Canary" Halloween costume.  And Constantine should look just the same.

LAAAAAME.  Lame, lame, lame.  Also, isn't she still gonna want to kill Thea?  Also, you know, side note, they could have made a whole episode out of going to the other world to get her soul.  It could have been deep, and relevatory, and shown the dark subconscious of how each of them sees themselves and each other.  It could have given a more emotional and heartfelt resolution to the issues between Oliver and Laurel, as well as opening up new futures. IT COULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING EPIC.

Goddamn, I hate the writers on this show. 

But not as much as I hate the writers of Supergirl.

That is a picture of an actor I have seen before.  That leads me to believe that John's brother is not actually dead, but rather joined Hive, and they staged his death. 

Oh god.  I love boy Felicity.  His exuberance almost makes up for LITERALLY THE ENTIRE REST OF THE SHOW.

Of course he's alive.  Oliver got his old girlfriend back, now you need your old boyfriend back to stir up trouble.  GEEZ Felicity, don't you know how plot devices work?

Flash 2x05

So, I feel like Barry, with all his greater understanding of possibilities, might consider changing his voice over to "I believe I am the fastest man alive."  Because he might not be.  And I think he's smart enough to know that. I mean, after all, there seem to be about a billion other speedsters out there.

Oh look: previously on the Flash, there was this other Flash, who Caitlyn thought was hot, and then he totally disappeared for an entire fucking episode cause, you know... no budget.

Damn, Jay.  Don't you know that the fastest way to NOT get a man's help is by calling him out in public.  "Hey, this is all your fault.  Now accept blame so we can start fixing it."  Bad call, man.  Bad call.

Oh.  Oh, no.  We are going to find out that Zoom killed the daughter of Harrison Wells 2.0 (who, henceforth, will be known as Hardass Harrison, or just Hardass for short) and that's why he's so set on taking the fucker down.

Hardass Harrison is wicked fucking Hardass. 

Fuck yeah, Flash!  Taking a stand against the NFL!  I mean, kinda in a way that no one will really pay attention to, but what the hell!  Pats on the back all around!

YES!  Pretty blonde, meet Cisco.  Cisco, meet the pretty blonde.  NOW KISS!

NO!  BAD SPIVOT!  DO NOT ASK BARRY TO WORK ON ANYTHING WITH YOU!  Also, I feel like I should tell you that your interaction would have gone better if, instead of saying "want to work on it with me" you had said "would you mind helping me?"  Because dudes are suckers for shit like that.

PS.  Dear Flash writers, thank you for not making Patty ask Barry to help her. 

Oh... oh that was harsh.  Poor Cisco, shot down in the coffee line.

Hey, that new meta is Chickee McGoo from the paper.  I wondered why they were bringing that actress back.

GOD DAMNIT BARRY.  YOU KNOCK THAT SHIT OUT.

Also, just as an aside "I don't want to wait anymore" sounds really creepy for some reason.

Ahaha.  His date is gonna be canceled cause he's blind.  Lolz.  Serves you right.

Also, Caitlyn, could you BE more obvious?  Just bang the man and get over it already.

OMG.  OMG.  HE WEARS HIS SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT.

Oh, I really hope this date is the time that Cisco falls in love with Patty, because he gets to see the whole date through Barry's eyes.  That would be amazing.  That would be such a good plot twist.  I would love it.

You know, Caitlyn, offering someone coffee is like code for offering them sex. 

Now I will replace the word coffee with the word sex EVERY TIME it is ever mentioned on Flash.  "You have sex on your world, right?"  "I think sex is the one constant in the multiverse."

So, if I hadn't just gotten a very upsetting email I would be laughing my ass off over the fact that Caitlyn just got cock blocked by light girl.  Sorry.  Doctor Light.  A moniker which makes no fucking sense.  They should have called her Supernova.  That would have been SO MUCH BETTER.

How did Spivot change clothes so quickly?  I mean, she went right to the crime scene, right?  Does she keep a suit in the back of her car?  Just in case she gets summoned to a crime scene while on a date?

Wow.  Hardass is the best nickname I've ever given.  Also, he knows how to fight.  The man's got some rage.

Oh sadness.  Jay is a chicken shit.  Oh well.  I guess it's good that Caitlyn got cock blocked.  She wouldn't have wanted to bang a chicken shit.

OH MY GOD WHY IS HAWKGIRL WORKING IN A COFFEE SHOP?

Oh.  The Wells girl isn't dead.  Well, that's a pleasant surprise.  Here's hoping she gets saved by SOMEONE.