Flash: Some Dreams Just Aren't Meant to Be

Uh oh.  Post-coital dream of doom.  Well, it was bound to happen.  Sex opens the doors to chaos and terror, which is why the worst shit always happens once you start banging.  Just ask Buffy.

This is how you lose your soul.

Or get ants.  Whatever.

Joe, I love you.  You remind me of my own Daddy.  Only, you know, you've been arrested less times.  I mean, I assume.

Ahahahahahaha!   Someone on this show has a toddler, and they draw on the little demon for inspiration.

You know, again, a little honesty could help this situation immensely.  All Hardass has to do is tell them all what's going on.  You KNOW they're gonna help!  They're total suckers for this shit!  Hell, Barry will probably offer up his powers of his own free will!

"The turtle."  

Cisco, the mind boggles as to what you could be referencing.

Why has he never mentioned the Turtle before?  Oh, please.  Because he's Turtle Ex Machina, the magical tortoise hand that reaches down and plucks your from your impenetrable plot hole.

Oh, hey!  Jay and Caitlyn are alone together!  Which... means... time for a sad talk?  I mean, okay.  I was sort of hoping we'd find out if they ever did more than just kiss under the mistletoe, but... ALRIGHT!  YOU DO YOU! 

OH THANK GOD!  He's finally gonna tell Patty.  I mean, presumably something is going to happen at the last minute to keep him from telling her, but still... at least he's no longer being a giant dumbass!

I would give any amount of money to have the scene at the art show open with Jay looking awkward and unattractive in an ill-fitting tux.

Alas, some dreams just aren't meant to be.

I shall carry on, somehow.

I think it's an AWESOME idea to bring a date to go crime fighting.  If Cisco asked me to go as his crime night date, I would totally say yes.

Show of hands, who is willing to shoot one bad guy and one pseudo good guy in order to be on Team Flash?  I know I am.

Awww... Hardass... NO!!!!!!!  TURN AWAY FROM THE DARK SIDE OF KEEPING POINTLESS SECRETS!!! TURN AWAY!!!

So, just out of curiosity, HOW are they planning on catching him?  I mean, they still can't actually grab the guy.  So... what?  They're just gonna show up and hope he wets himself with fear and gives up?  This is a weird plan.

Okay, and as long as I'm talking about "bizarre shit that happens at the art party," can we discuss the fact that this dude freezes people and slows the Flash, but has minimal effect on a falling chandelier?  I mean, sure, it's falling SLOWER, but it's already been well established that Barry can move at a much higher speed than a falling object.  Which, in turn, would mean he has a greater kinetic energy.  And since they've described this guy's powers as draining kinetic energy, anything that could actually slow Barry that much should completely STOP a chandelier.  And don't anyone try the whole "oh, well, maybe he wasn't aiming at the chandelier" nonsense.  You see Patty?  See how she's frozen?  He's clearly hitting the room as a whole.  I know next to nothing about physics, and I still know this is ridiculous.  Can they PLEASE hire a science adviser for the show?  Pretty please?

I mean, it's pretty and all.  It just doesn't make any sense.

Right, so, you see how Patty's life was just in danger?  We can file that under the heading of "shit that would not keep happening, if she were actually prepared for the situation, instead of floundering around in the dark."  STOP TRYING TO PROTECT THE DAMSEL, AND LET YOUR BAD ASS COP GIRLFRIEND HELP YOU.  FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Awww... Champagne in beakers.  How charming.  NOW KISS, DAMNIT.
Sigh.
Not like THAT.
Can the two of you please go work out your chemistry somewhere and come back when you can make me believe you actually wanna bang?

You don't have a good excuse?  YOU DON'T HAVE A GOOD EXCUSE?  HOW ABOUT YOU TRY THIS:
Sorry, Patty, I didn't actually ditch you.  Jay and Caitlyn dragged me out after a chandelier fell on me while I was trying to save you.  Oh, yeah, I was trying to tell you earlier, I'm the Flash.
No?  You... wanna try standing there like an idiot while a woman you really like tells you she either wants more from you or she's walking?  Mkay.  You do that then.

You know, I can understand Wally's rage.  But I kinda wonder at his insistence on blaming Joe for literally not knowing he was alive.  Also, I am ready to move past this part, to the part where he turns into Kid Flash.

Be honest.  This is better than drag racing, isn't it?

That's a really weird departure from the Turtle's normal MO.  I mean, he takes things.  Inanimate objects.  And thus far, until the Flash got involved, he didn't hurt anyone in the process.  He has all the hallmarks of a compulsive thief, and none of a homicidal villain.  Why would he suddenly... Oh.  Sorry.  I forgot.  Turtle Ex Machina.

Oh.  My.  Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahd.  This plot line between Caitlyn and Jay has officially reached the epitome of uninteresting.  They just jumped the shark, and I do not give a rat's ass.  I hope Jay DOES die.  Caitlyn used to be an actual character who did useful, interesting things, and now she just walks around pining and dressing in tight clothes.  The clothes are fine but the pining is GETTING REAL OLD.

SEEEEEEE?  SEEEEEE?  THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T TELL PEOPLE WHO YOU ARE.  THEY END UP WALKING AWAY.

 These boots are made for walking.

That's just what they'll do.

See, today, the boots are gonna walk away from you.

WHOA!  You stuck that thing up that poor man's NOSE.  Not cool, Bra.

Oh, Hi Eobard!  I recommend you hide, cause otherwise you're gonna get shot.  By like, at least 4 different people.

Supergirl: Euphemisms for Days

Okay.  Can we all just go ahead and learn our lesson?  If you are working in, say, a maximum security facility, do NOT just open the door to a madman because you see his feet on the floor.  It's a terrible idea.  Terrible.

Also, consider taking away his death yo-yo.  Just a suggestion.

Oh... Oh no.  What is with the red piping on her costume?  How have I not noticed this before?  It's terrible!  And why does it end right at the tip of her boobs?  Like, did the producer come to the costume designer and say "You know, she's already flying around in a mini skirt and spanx, but I don't think this outfit is sexualized enough.  Can we do something to emphasize her nipples?"

 You see it, too, right?

You could hang a tassel off that thing.

"A woman with brains who gives up everything for love inevitably finds herself staring into an existential abyss that men, babies, and cardio bars simply cannot fill."  PREACH, SISTER!

OH!!!! DADDY ISSUES!!!!!

About time we had a Win episode, but--and this is just a random thought--couldn't we have discovered that he's secretly an exotic dancer instead?  Wouldn't that be more fun than finding out his daddy is a psycho?  Can't you just picture it?  Cat, Kara, and Alex go out for a night of female bonding, complete with a fistful of crisp dollar bills, only to find that the featured performer for the night is none other than our favorite cardigan-wearing computer dork.

Yup.  It'd look about like that.

Hey, Kara just hugged Win!  I guess that means they're engaged now.  I mean, according to Supergirl-World logic.

Wow.  Alex has a major lady boner for J'onn's powers.  I mean, I do, too, but I'm a fan girl and she's a trained agent, so I expected better of her. 

Lucy, you are disappointing me so much right now.  You want to work for a kick-ass powerful woman, so you're desperate to get your boyfriend's approval?  OMG.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I swear, the "bad guys" in this show are the best.  Henceforth, Alex will be known as Mata Hari.

What is this bullshit?

Didn't this woman JUST point out that Win didn't need to talk into the mic?

For fucks sake, people.  Get it together.


Kara, you don't need to look so upset.  You are faster than a speeding bullet.  Just go put on your lovely new nipple-emphasizing suit and blitz on over there.  It's not like the FBI can keep you out.



Snerk.  I'm pretty sure Supergirl just admitted to being a pot smoker.  
Hilarious.  
Of course, that does lead one to wonder what a Superperson would be like, high as a kite.
 I offer up this possible scenario.



Do you think "creepy little doll" is a euphemism of some sort?  I kinda hope it is.  But, on the other hand, that would drastically lower Win's chances of ever getting laid.

Hot damn, Mata Hari.  You clean up good.

I LOVE CAT GRANT.
IT IS MY GREATEST ASPIRATION TO GROW UP AND BE LIKE HER.
Except for the part about owning my own multi-million dollar corporation.  That I don't really care about.

Ummm... you've already got it in your mouth.  And you're enjoying it.  Spitting it out is just silly.
(Talking about the snail eggs.  Get your mind out of the gutter.)

We didn't really need the red eyes, guys.  The comment about narcissism and ill-kept facial hair was enough of a clue.

 Sigh.  I dislike the way they pick and choose which powers J'onn will use, based on the plot.  When he was captured, they suddenly forgot he could phase shift.  Now that this guy is asking about Code Phoenix, they've momentarily taken away his telepathy.  STOP CHERRY PICKING THE POWERS, PEOPLE!  JUST WRITE BETTER PLOTS.

WHAT?  WHAAAAT?  HE CAN MEMORY WIPE, BUT NOT READ THE GUY'S MIND?  Golrammit.  I hate, hate, HATE lazy plot devices.

You know, whenever I'm sneaking OUT of my covert mission, I always drop my disguise.  It gives the whole thing an irresponsible thrill.

Alex, I'm just gonna point out that now, while you're all tarted up, would be a great time to make your move on Hank.  Look at him.  He needs comforting.

Does anyone else feel like Kara is making a speech about how she's gonna save Win with the power of her magical hoo-ha?

Well apparently Win does.

Win's daddy is super cray-cray.  Totally batshit bonkers.  That is a seriously fucked up plan he's got.

Oh... it's James and his plot device.  Sorry, I forgot you guys were on the show.  

You know what I need?  I need a Supergirl costume to wear while I snuggle up on the couch and eat pizza and complain about my love life.  

Tell me the costume doesn't make it better.

Reformed Nerd with a God Complex.  Huh.  Apparently Alex and I have the same taste in men.

The Absolutely Breathtaking Abominable Bride.

Due to the highly irregular nature of the airing schedule of Sherlock, when we found out there was going to be a single Victorian-era episode coming out at the beginning of this year those of us who are fans of the show all did something like this:

I mean, at least, I assume we all did.  Maybe it was just me.

Anyway, I was a little nervous when I finally sat down to watch the long awaited fan fodder.  I mean, Sherlock is unimaginably brilliant, just as it is.  What was going to happen when they tinkered with the formula?  Was it going to be--could it possibly be--as good as the original?

Turns out it bloody well could, and I should have known it all along.  After all, the brilliance isn't based on a simple gimmick, it's carefully crafted through every discipline which contributes to the art of film, and the result is nothing short of a masterpiece.

Basically I'm saying that Sherlock is like the cinematic equivalent of the Sistine Chapel.

I know.  I can't believe this image actually exists, either.

The script?  It is brilliant.  The cinematography?  Gorgeous.  The special effects are carefully chosen and seamlessly interwoven.  The costumes are perfect.  The scenic design is breathtaking.  The lighting is Gothic and illusory.  And then when all of that magnificence is put together, it provides a stage on which a handful of sublimely accomplished actors give a performance that is nuanced, varied, and altogether magical.

I literally cannot say enough good things about The Abominable Bride.  And yet, I have no desire to ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen it.  So, just to be clear...

SPOILER ALERT


FOR REALSIES.  I'M ABOUT TO SPOIL THE WHOLE THING.


OKAY.  I WARNED YOU.

Let's start with a shot of the boys, looking dapper as fuck.

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about Sherlock is that it's a mystery show.  It isn't.  For certain, there is a mystery in every episode, and that mystery drives the action that takes place.  But I really think Sherlock is more of a character drama than a mystery, and it's evident in the fact that it isn't the mystery that enthralls us--it's the character and relationship of the two men who are central to the story.  That relationship is complex and deep, and it's thrilling to get a chance to see it from the inside of Sherlock's mind.  Because, after all, almost every moment of The Abominable Bride takes place in Sherlock's head, which means when we see Watson we are seeing him as he appears to Sherlock.

And, honestly, the way Sherlock sees Watson is really touching.  In Sherlock's mind, John sees and understands things that Sherlock doesn't.  Watson is the one that notices that Lestrade is frightened, not embarrassed.  He sees that Hooper is a woman when Sherlock is oblivious.  He notes the consumption Amelia Rigoletti was suffering from.  More importantly, Watson is the one who sees Sherlock's emotions, even the ones he tries to deny.  If it wasn't already clear from the rest of the episode, the scene by the falls really hammers it in:  John Watson is the emotional tether that keeps Sherlock from going over the edge of his staggering intellect.

Metaphor, thy name is Reichenbach.

It isn't just Watson that we get to examine, though.  Inside Sherlock's head we get a number of interesting tidbits about the people who surround him.  Mycroft's intellectual superiority is stated more clearly here than it ever has been.  We get shown just how much Sherlock respects and cares for Mary.  We get to see what might actually be remorse from him over his treatment of the women in his life.

In other words, we get to see the barest hint of all the emotions he keeps safely tucked away--hidden so deep inside that even in his own mind they're really only shown by the statements and actions of other people.

There's so much subtext in this episode, from the hints that this isn't really the past (we all did a double take when Mycroft said "virus in the data," right?) to the repeated mention of how the world sees Sherlock through the lens of Watson's stories (when in reality this is a story in which we get to see everything through the lens of Sherlock's memory palace).

So much subtext.

So, really, I lied when I said it wasn't a mystery.  But the mystery is the complex inner workings of Sherlock Holmes, and the clues are EVERYWHERE!!!

IT'S AMAZING!

And right about now is when I get so enthusiastic about how well done this entire thing is that I have to go calm down and have a cup of tea or something to keep from shouting in all caps for the rest of the blog.

So the story is wonderful, and the script is fantastic, and the whole damn thing is gorgeous, but what gives it wings and makes it fly are the performances of Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch.  Some divine benevolence must have given us these two actors as a duo, because they are so perfectly matched as a pair.  I adore them each for what they are, unto themselves, but when you put them together the strange alchemy of blending opposites creates sheer magic.

Sheer Magic

So, I guess what I'm saying is that I give this one two snaps up, with a twist and a kiss.  Now, for the love of god, could these actors stop being so popular, so we can have more Sherlock?

Supergirl: Take a walk on the Dark Side.

Does anyone else think it's weird that Astra's husband is either named after the negative prefix, or some very tasty Indian bread?

New term: Deer in plane lights

Okay.  Listen.  Whoever had the brilliant idea to show him lifting her feet off the ground in order to show how helpless she was...  Please remember...  SHE CAN FLY.  IT'S NOT GOING TO CHOKE HER, BECAUSE THE GIRL DOESN'T RESPOND TO GRAVITY.

Oh yeah.  No way they're gonna think you're banging the boss now.  I mean, its not like he gave you a new toy to play with.  Like the DEO.

To be clear, I am actually 100% in favor of Alex banging J'onn.  I bet the Martian Manhunter is dynamite in the sack.

I feel like Astra stopped by the My Little Pony Fashion Boutique, and got one of their white clip-in plastic hair extensions.  No?  Just me?  Maybe you need to take another look.

I give you: Spiral Curled Pony Hair

Dear Supergirl.  You are the worst interrogator ever.  Fluffy bunnies with tickle sticks do a better job at interrogation than you do.  Butterflies with honey kisses glean more information.  Astra's got freaking PONY HAIR, and she's better at being an emotional manipulator than you are.

I'm gonna go ahead and offer up my allegiance to team Astra.  I mean, from what we've seen so far, I'm pretty sure she was spot on.  And if she had a plan to reverse the damage to the planet's core, she would have saved millions of lives.  I'm not saying I won't change my mind later, but she'd have to have a plan that involved--I dunno--slaughtering every child born for the next twelve generations, or something like that, in order to make the salvation of Krypton not worth it.

OMG.  I want a super sibling who goes to my favorite food truck in another state and fetches me takeout when I'm down.  

Yup.  All I hear is "this is Lieutenant Tasty-Bread."

Okay.  It's super cute that they've got Hank tied up.  But J'onn J'onzz can phase shift.  Which means she doesn't NEED to save his ass.  He can sink right out of his bonds and through the floor, any ol' time he wants to.  Which really makes this whole "oh no, you captured Hank" thing kind of pointless.

Heh.  That was kind of subtly cool.  All of the General's staff are big burly dudes, and then he's like "if you'll excuse me, ladies."  This is the kind of thing I would be applauding as a dig at the patriarchy if the entire show wasn't such a massive betrayal of women in general.

Holy shit.  You know, someone on the writing staff has their eye on the general cluster-fuck that is our country.  Unfortunately, they're apparently in charge of writing the dialog for the antagonists.  It makes it hard to sympathize with those other guys that's we're supposed to be rooting for.

Amiright?

And we go from evil torture right back to the pink cardigan.  It's like visual ping pong.  In a bad way.

SHE. HAS. SUPER. HEARING.  CLOSING THE DOOR WILL NOT HELP!

Also, speaking of things that are a betrayal of women... Jimmy, I officially want to punch you in the face.  Oh, you found out Lord has a plan to take out the Kryptonians?  And your reaction is what?  To share this information, pool your knowledge, and let her help solve the problem like an adult?  No?  Oh, so you're going to lay out the information you've gathered, and ask her to wait to do anything until you can find out more, trusting in her ability to show restraint, like an adult?  No?  OH, YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP IT FROM HER, BECAUSE SHE'S A FEMALE AND IT'S YOUR NATURAL INCLINATION TO TREAT HER LIKE A FUCKING CHILD?  QUELLE SURPRISE!!!!!!!

Oh, and now he's using her fictional expectations in order to manipulate Winn.  I take it back.  I'm not gonna punch him in the face.  I'm gonna punch him in the nuts.

Cat Grant.  Freeing up Superheroes to save the world, by also making them destitute.  

See?  See?  This is what happens when you try to HANDLE A SUPER.

Do it!  DO IT!!! GO BAD!!!

Man, why you gotta talk her off the cliff like that?  You are harshing my buzz.

This scene has a real "I can feel the good in you.  Turn away from the Dark Side." kind of vibe to it.  All it needs is for Astra to have a giant black mask, and a voice like James Earl Jones.

Wow.  Kara's mommy is a wide eyed idealist, ain't she?

SO MUCH RAAAAAAGE.  If this were Superman, he wouldn't trust that saving that guy's life would have won him over.  He'd just melt the ends of the guns with his heat vision.  Done.  Why does Supergirl have to be SO DAMN GIRLY?

My face, at all the corn.  So, so much corn.

Supergirl Mid-season Finale: So Something Finally Happens.

Oh, hey nice lady who plays Astra.  You still need to work on your evil face.  And your evil voice.  And your evil everything. 

Don't feel bad, though.  You're real pretty.

Holy shit.  Supergirl just made a sound tactical decision.  I may have a heart attack and die from shock.

Listen.  Alex.  We need to have a talk.  You suck at being sneaky.  Because literally EVERYONE is going to notice that you started calling your boss by his first name all of a sudden.  Of course, most of them will probably just assume you're banging him, but still.  Your secret keeping skills need major work.

SHE HAS AN ICE BUCKET FULL OF M&M's!!!!  I WANT AN ICE BUCKET FULL OF M&M's!!!!

I will never stop laughing at that description of Winn.  Never. 

That handsome little hobbit who has more cardigans than you do.

Dear prop department, please calmly and quietly exit the 80's and join us in the present.  Why in the name of the rainforest would you go through them in printed form?  THIS IS WHY WE HAVE COMPUTERS, PEOPLE! 

That's right kiddos.  It was just a hug.  Which, of course, in TV land is equivalent to getting an intimate personal massage while naked in a hot tub. 

OH COME ON!!!!  Can't we just have an evil woman?  Like, do they ALL have to have some basic good in them?  Some instinct of motherhood?  Can't we just have her Aunt be a horrible, evil, conniving villain that we can hate with glee?  WHY YOU GOTTA GIVE HER A SYMPATHETIC SIDE?

Again.  Family crest on the PJ's is a little bit of overkill.  Not gonna let this go.  It's too silly.

And a CAPE, too!  

Oh.  My.  God.  They made Auntie Astra an environmental terrorist.  Holy shit balls.  I'm not sure I can handle this.

Cat.  Dude.  Dirk is setting you up.  Big time.  Fortunately, as one of the few characters on this show with brains, I'm sure you're going to realize that.

Nope.  We're gonna let Supergirl realize it with her Alien Ears.  Character development wise, I feel like this is a real winner.

Why is a white streak in your hair the ultimate sign of the evil twin?  For serious.  If I had twins, and one of them had a white streak in their hair, I would be like "Mother fucker.  I'm gonna have to get them henchmen for their birthday."

Uh, yeah.  Okay.  I mean, one of them is super speedy, and can fly out the window if the guy comes back early, but SURE!  Let's send the human to bug the computer.  GOOD PLAN, GUYS!

So, I don't get how this saves Cat.  I mean, sure, she can stick it to that other guy, but eventually the thing about her kid is gonna come out anyway.  Oh wait, in Supergirl land, does finding the bad guy retroactively undo all the mischief he caused?

That is some adorable male bonding going on there. 

 Totes Adorbs

YAY!!! BADASSES IN KRYPTONITE KEVLAR!!!!  Finally, we're gonna get some serious ass kicking going on.

Yeah, let's talk about Adam a little bit... HOW, precisely, did she save you?  Cause, you know, emails are still out there.  Just saying.

Also, does anyone else think it's interesting that Cat happens to have a son that's the right age to hook up with Kara?  Like, I'm thinking future plot line.

And, as long as I'm posing random questions... does Cat still not know Kara's name?  Or does Callista Flockheart not know that she's saying Keira?

Well, that happened sooner than I was expecting, despite the ridiculous number of obvious hints that Kara drops.  THIS IS WHY YOU STAY BACKLIT, DUMBASS.  SO THAT THEY DON'T HAVE ANY WAY TO CONFIRM THEIR SUSPICIONS.

HAH!  Maxwell Lord is NOT fucking around.  I like his style.

So, is that like--a sonic muscle flex?

Well, I'll be damned.  The girl finally delivered a line and sounded half way bad ass.  Maybe there's hope for her yet.

We Wish You An Arrow Chri... Uh, HOLIDAY!

I'm just gonna say right up front that I feel like they missed a golden opportunity to have Oliver cavorting in the water without his shirt on. 

Mini-Felicity has a bright future ahead of her, as long as she doesn't get distracted by some relationship.  Keep your eye on the prize, Mini-F.

 You rock that brain.  Rock it like you mean it.

When I said keep your eye on the prize, I did NOT mean stand there like a deer in headlights while a drone shoots at you.

YAY!  Felicity's mom!  I love her.  She's hilarious. 

Dear hot blonde Mama--that is the scream we reserve for finding severed hands in the ornaments, not engagement rings.

Oooooooooooooh... You done made DD mad. 

Ehehehehehehehehe.  Arrow has decided to go to the mats on the whole "Christmas isn't the only winter holiday" issue.  I approve.  And I find the methodology amusing as well.

Basic lesson for anyone who is going to propose.  If you WANT it to be a surprise, make sure you don't leave clues lying around. 

Hey, maybe the reason Malcolm was fool enough to save Vandal Savage was so he would have a mystic owe him a favor if Thea needed rescuing.  That would certainly make more sense than "Oh, hey, bad guy code requires me to do any evil thing I can to screw over the good guys."

Oh Felicity.  Let me hand you a shoe horn to get that foot out of your mouth.

PARENTAL CANOODLING AT THE HOLIDAY PARTY IS AWKWARD.

Okay, it's also kinda hot.  

Stop it, stop it, stop it, STOP IT, STAHHHHHHHPPPPPPPP!  HUMAN!  WAT R U DOING?  FELICITY, YOU ARE FAR TOO AMAZING A WOMAN TO FLOUNDER IN THE WHOLE IS HE/ISN'T HE STUPID MELODRAMA.  IF YOU WANT TO MARRY HIM THEN JUST ASK HIM. 
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! THIS IS MAKING ME FEEL STABBY.

Okay.  Well.  That was better.  Still not as good as just asking him to marry you, but better.

Oh, Damien.  I fear you have made a tactical error.  Do not EVER make it personal with Oliver Queen.  It erases his new found snuggle-bunny personality, and unleashes the inner death monster.

Uh... Ollie?  Basic swimming 101.  Take off your shoes.

 "My daughter's in danger.  Shouldn't your first question be 'What took you so long?"  

Malcolm, every once in a while you are the MAN.

Oh yes.  This is your ONLY option.  Not like you could call Cisco.  Or, hell, even Curtis!  That dude is actually on your show!  IN A GIANT LAB.  AND HE'S GREAT AT TRACING THINGS.  BUT BY ALL MEANS, YOU GO AHEAD AND PUT YOURSELF IN MORTAL DANGER INSTEAD OF BEING A LITTLE SENSIBLE ABOUT IT. 

Twice in one episode!  Oh, Malcolm.  I'm so glad they didn't kill you.  Your snark makes my world a better place.

PREACH, FELICITY!!!! 

Excuse me.  I gotta go slam my head against the wall.  Cause if you're gonna claim you're in charge of your own choices, then you GOTTA BE WILLING TO POP THE QUESTION, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

Glad to see we got around to wet Ollie eventually.

LoL.  Because sharks should always be a factor.

Felicity, don't beat ineffectually on his arm.  Kick him in the 'nads.  That works better.

AHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!  This entire dialogue is magnificent. 

 "Bad guy, remember?"

"Let them go."  

"I will.  Existentially speaking."

Wow, they lasted WAY longer than that Hive guy.  I guess desire to screw over Damien can be a motivating factor in how long the gas takes.

Note to self.  If I ever become a crime fighting vigilante, make sure all my dress up outfits involve stretchy pants and flats, in case of emergency.

Thea, I am disappointed in you.  Felicity is spot on.  You ought to be on team "never call 'em dead until you've stabbed the body."

NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE ISLAND, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW HE SURVIVES.  LET IT GO ALREADY.

I think Oliver's biggest talent is actually his ability to change clothes in the blink of an eye.  It's really remarkable.

Awwww... that's an awfully pretty Hanukkah Bush.

So sparkly.

Oh thank god.  For two seconds there I was convinced that Felicity was going to get shot while Oliver knelt at her feet.

No.
No.
No!
NO!

I AM VERY UPSET NOW. 

VERY UPSET

Flashy the Swift Red Speedster

Okay, so, first of all, I'm kinda liking this new "preview the end then tell the story of how they got there" mode that they're using in Flash.  It makes watching the episode like putting together the pieces of a puzzle. 

Hardass.  More badass than anticipated.

Second--that is the creepiest Merry Christmas ever.  Someone either needs accolades or a smack in the face.  I can't decide which.

Awww... Iris, haven't we learned that secrets are bad?  Just tell your dad.  How can you possibly think it would be better for him to NEVER know his son then to just miss out on the first years?

Patty, you gotta loosen up a little.  That science lab is made for nookie.  Look at all that natural light!

KID FLASH!!!! AWWW YEAH, BABY, LET'S GET ANOTHER LITTLE SMART ASS UP IN HERE!!!!

Such awkward flirting.  Like, the MOST awkward.  I cannot handle it... it is SO AWKWARD.  Just bang already, okay?

THANK YOU CISCO!  OH MY GOD!!!! YOU ARE LIKE THE IN-SHOW VERSION OF ME, ONLY BETTER AT BUILDING THINGS!!!

I... CAN'T... EVEN... STRANGLING ON THE AWKWARD...

My face, every time Caitlyn and Jay are together.

Cisco, you are my soul mate.  I love you more than words can possibly express.

Oh... maybe they didn't jump back in time..?  But then, I'm gonna need an explanation of how Zoom ended up chasing Hardass through Star Labs...

Anything that brings Captain Cold back into my life DEFINITELY qualifies as a Christmas Miracle, even if that thing is a freakish, meta-human wrought snow storm.  This is almost certain to lead to more wonderful Flash/Cold shipping material.

{This space reserved for the first Flash/Cold shipper fan art I can get my hands on.}

Interesting that Hamil had time to film this episode, given the timing of the filming for The Force Awakens...

AHAHAAHAHAH!!!!  See what happens when you keep secrets?  People start keeping YOU out of the loop cause they think you don't know anything.

My bet is that Captain Cold gets word to Barry that something's afoot.  Because they have a pact between them, and CC is a man of honor.  In a weird way.  Plus he owes Barry for saving his sister.

Then they bang.  That's the very next thing that happens.

Why does every world have the Godfather?  Every world should have Steel Magnolias, instead.

SEE?  SEE BARRY?  THAT'S HOW YOU DO.  YOU REACH DOWN INSIDE, TAKE FIRM HOLD OF WHAT PASSES FOR YOUR NON-EXISTANT BALLS, AND TELL PEOPLE THE TRUTH.

Oh, poor Joe.  Now I am sad.

That there is a man of intense moral fiber.  No screaming.  No yelling.  No accusations or redirection of his anger and shock.  Just a quiet request to be allowed space and time to think.

YAAAY!!!!!

 NOW KISS!!!

"My stocking won't be completely stuffed until it's filled to the brim with bloody Flash parts."
Ummm... Jester?  PHRASING?

BARRY!!!! You just got told that they're working together to kill you.  I mean, that sexy, sexy man JUST BROKE INTO YOUR HOUSE AND THREATENED YOU WHILE GIVING YOU VITAL INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR SAFETY.  Why you gotta go out there like it's NBD?  Why you gotta be a punk?  Damn. 

Hey, you saved Patty from the explosion!  Know what might be a good idea now?  TELLING HER THE TRUTH.

LoL.  Caitlyn's all like... "couples start to resemble each other".  Did anyone else notice both she and Jay are wearing black pleather in that shot?

LAME.  He didn't have to pull down his beard.  Anyone who didn't already know that was Jester didn't need to be clued in.

Helicopter hopping is my new favorite meta-sport.

 "Time for a REAL war on Christmas."

AHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!  I love the Jester.  I love his insane honesty. 

Okay, so actually magnets work by... never mind.  You know what?  Just fucking forget I said anything.  Go save Christmas, Hardass.

HAH!!! PATTY HAS AN ANTI-BARRY DEVICE!!!

Bee tee dubs, now would be an awesome time to tell her who you are.  Might shock her out of shooting that dude in the face. 

DAMN.  That move with the watch...  That man has some parenting skills.  I would marry Joe West.  I mean, Cisco is my soul mate, but Joe West is a man for the ages.

FUCKING FINALLY!!!!  Although, I gotta admit, I was expecting more tongue.  Try to do better next time, guys.  We'd like all this awkward to have been worth something.

Hey, Barry, you know what you could get her in return?  SOME MOTHER FUCKING HONESTY.  Seriously, this whole secrecy plot line is really tearing my ass.

KID FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!!!!!! 

Well, that was predictable.  Dangle a man's daughter in front of him and he'll help you do all kinds of things.  I still have faith in Hardass.  I think he's gonna come through in the end.