How to Relieve Stress By Watching Arrow.

Oliver, I'm counting on you.  I really need some shirtless salmon ladders right now.

Permanently maiming a man via falling damage DOES NOT COUNT.

The actress who plays Felicity is roughly 200% better than everyone else on the show.  Her face alone... it's magical.  Here, some examples:

Guilt over the bombing.

Worry over Oliver's increasing violence.

OH SHIT HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!

ooooOOOOHHHHH... Felicity's new boyfriend is trying to help the Arrow.
That's gonna cut all the deeper when she leaves him to get back with Oliver.

Okay, okay, I predict that Susan Williams is going to be Oliver's new flame.  Because, of course, he can't just sit around and pine for Felicity.  They both have to have new people.  Then they can have a dramatic reconciliation.

ANYONE WHO CLAIMS THERE WILL BE NO RECONCILIATION CAN SHOW THEMSELVES OUT.

Oh looooooook... a flaaaaaaashbaaaaaaack.
BORING.

 Here, hold my beer and watch this.

It feels like there's a level of stupid here that I just can't countenance.  Like, you have a whole team, A WHOLE FREAKING TEAM, but for reasons that seem to basically boil down to "good old fashioned bro-itude" you're just going to take all those dudes on single-handedly?  I didn't realize lack of experience automatically meant bargain basement level intellect.  Of course, we would all understand this far better if the writers had bothered to really build the tension of Oliver never letting them off the leash.  But why on earth would they do that? 

I mean, why craft a good story when you can spend your time writing witty dial...
Er, I mean, spend your time showing some truly superb fight scene...
Uh... I guess... more time for the salmon ladder? 

I swear to god, I will forgive them all the shoddy writing if they will give me a solid five minutes on the salmon ladder at the end of this episode.

And there you go.  You just made a super villain.  I hope you're happy.

 "You think he'll come out more Joker?  Or Red Hood?"

Really?  He's just dead?  He fell into the ominous vat of drug laced liquid and he didn't morph into a super villain?  I'm... I don't know how to process this.  It goes against all expectations.

LOL.  Thea, that was stupid.  She is going to spin that so hard even an ice skater would get dizzy.  Let's see:  Mayor's Sister Hires Drunk Without His Approval.  Yup. Sounds about right.

Okay, in Arrow time we just had, what?  Half a day go by?  And in John time he literally just turned around in his cell.  It would be fascinating if this was intentional, like, if he's being held in a detention facility where time runs slower, but I'm betting they just didn't think through their cuts very well.

Ahem.  Dude.  If you're gonna say "autopsy commenced with a Y-incision" then you should really START WITH A Y-incision.

OH GOOD!  He is a freakishly altered super villain.  I was very worried for a few minutes there.  The whole universe felt off-kilter.

Curtis.  You are not normally this awkward.  WTF is going on with you, man?

Back to the prison of temporal anomalies, where a riveting game 

of "bait the secondary character" is going on!

I dunno about you, but the first thing I think when someone says "I don't hold grudges" is that they really, seriously, definitely hold some massive grudges.

GEE, THEA, WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN?

 Oh, right.  ME.

Yes.  Thank you, Curtis!  Can we all join the sanity train, bound for "Keeping Secrets Never Works Outs-ville"?

I wonder if Lilah has to pass through a wormhole to get the prison where time doesn't pass?

"Okay, and then we're gonna explode the room behind you."

"So, you want me to run?"

"Nah.  I want you to strut."

"Like a model?"

"Like a mother-fucking badass."

Awww, how sweat.  He trusts everybody!!! 

Thea.  Just because Laurel is dead does NOT mean someone needs to assume the mantle of Miss Skinniest Legs in the World.  Please.  Please.  We would not accept any of the men as badass fighters if they didn't have the muscles to back it up.  COME ON LADIES, BEEF IT UP.

 My suspension of disbelief does not extend to skinny legs on a ninja assassin.

DAMN FELICITY!  You're not even gonna tell him to sit DOWN first?  Way to rip the band-aid off.

Ummm... okay, sexy bike mechanic is good, but it's not the salmon ladder.  Damnit, Arrow.  You've failed this woman.

But, you know... not completely.

Shipping Flash/Malfoy

HAH!!! 

Barry, sometimes a man just wants to butter his own bread.

Truer words, Cisco, have never been spoken.  Also that bit about not trusting HR.  Seriously.  You just pulled that guy from a random universe.  He's probably EVIL!

Can I just... 
Look.  Look at Caitlin.

Yeah.  That's a pretty awesome outfit, isn't it?  And it neither looks like a slightly hot school girl nor a sex kitten.  It almost looks like she's being given clothing that reflects who she is as a character, and not clothing intended to reflect her role for a man...
MAYBE THE WRITERS CAN HEAR ME!

Ohhhhhh... Caitlin has a Power Mommy.

Power Mommy has impeccable taste.

I hate HR.  I hate him.  I miss taciturn, snarky Wells.  I miss the man who was less eager to please.  I miss the man who wanted to work, not kiss ass.  GIVE ME BACK MY HARDASS.

Draco, you are testing my patience.  I like that you mistrust Barry, because obviously he's hiding something from you, and that is worthy of mistrust.  But rules lawyering is the fastest way to piss me off, especially when you're engaged in a long term LARP session such as this one.

Omg.  Babbling Hipster Wells.  I can't take it.

 The vest.  The shoes.  The scarf.  The hat.  THE DRUMSTICKS?

WTF?

Okay, look... take a person with meta human powers.  Stress them to the breaking point, and then try to lock them up and run tests on them against their will.  I feel like the subsequent reaction is predictable with very little degree of error. 
SO WHAT KIND OF FUCKING SCIENTIST DOESN'T REALIZE THAT?

 This dumbass in the blue plaid, I guess.

Awwww... Draco is jealous.  I mean, I don't blame him.  I'm jealous, too.  But for a super-smart, super-rational person, he lacks a certain amount of self-reflection, doesn't he?  Jealousy leading to irrational hatred is not the mark of a great man.

Really?  REALLY?
WHY DIDN'T YOU VIBE HIM THE MINUTE HE CAME THROUGH THE PORTAL???

Dudes, seriously?  The novelist part I buy.  The scientist part... Really?

Con man.  Yeah.  That fits.

Awwww, c'mon Caitlin.  Just tell him the truth.  This secret keeping thing just tears my ass with boredom.

"I come from a pretty wealthy family..."  

YEAH, WE KNOW.  THE MALFOYS GOT BANK.

Hey, you know what?  They need a Wells because Tom Cavanagh is just too pretty to let go.  But now that they have Hipster Wells, they're kinda short one scientist. 
YOU KNOW WHO'S A SCIENTIST?  That BLONDE SLYTHERIN!!!

Awesome sauce.  Now all we need is some big bad that has absolutely no way to be stopped aside from being frozen.  THEN WE GET BAD ASS CAITLIN FOREVER!

I have a bizarre and unlikely hypothesis.  Wanna hear it?  It goes like this:
We keep seeing these moments of Caitlin's frost powers evolving after the stinger.  Like they are separate from the rest of the episode.  Like it's not a part of Flash.  So, the theory?  We're gonna get a Caitlin Snow spin-off.
Now, that's really unlikely for a couple reasons.  (1) Arrow, Flash, Supergirl, and Legends has already saturated this market, not to mention overloaded the show runner.  (2) Caitlin isn't one of the more popular characters, and having her carry a show on her own would be super rough. (3) Popular or not, she's a pretty central character, which is an unusual choice for a spin-off. 
Still, the fact that so much of this evolution is happening in stinger format suggests to me that they're trying to hint at something with that placement.

Flash, Why Do You Suck At Romance?

Ehhhhhhhhhhh...

I'm kinda bored.  Like, skipped commentary on a whole episode kind of bored.  I can sum it up as follows:  still enjoying Draco Malfoy, that Jesse Quick drama was completely stupid, and Barry and Iris are boring me to tears.  Bad dates are not fun to watch unless you amp up the comedy considerably. 

I still love you, Flash, but please, please don't do this to me. 

SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAART!!!!  Oh my god.  All is forgiven.  Even your dumbass timeline realignment!!!!  Because this let's Captain Cold come back to Flash!!!

 Oh Lenny, I miss you so.

Wait, no... this is a flashback.  DAMNIT.  GIVE ME SNART BACK.

*I*cannot*take*the*stupid*
LOOK.  If your experience with the alternate dimensions should have taught you anything, it is that not all doppelgangers are created equal.  You're just gonna go FISHING FOR A WELLS?  And hope it works out?  What if you catch evil Wells by accident? 

THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA AND YOU ARE TERRIBLE PEOPLE.

I mean, obviously I want Tom Cavanagh to stay on the show.  But it's still a stupid plot device.

Joe.  Joe.  Joe.  That nice lady likes you.  You might consider giving her your digits.

"Staying in."  Code everywhere for "getting straight to the sex."  Nice job, guys.  

Okay, so, I kinda see Iris's point.  I mean, if you're gonna kiss someone, you probably ought to be willing to do it in front of other people.  I mean, not like, non-stop, but the fact that you kiss this person should probably not be a thing you feel compelled to hide.
On the other hand, that is totally her dad, and I mostly choose not to make out in front of my dad, so I'm not entirely sure why she thinks she and Barry should...
On the OTHER hand, this ridiculous nonsense led to my favorite charmingly awkward scene thus far, so I'm totally cool with it.  Watching Barry and Joe discuss the Iris "situation" is the best.  Carry on writers.

OH LOOK, WE'RE BACK WITH THE STUPIDEST IDEA IN MANY, MANY UNIVERSES.   

Seriously.  How do people who are so smart keep doing shit that is so FREAKING DUMB?

All you are ensuring is that you're gonna catch someone smart.  NOT SOMEONE GOOD.

"I care for you, too, you jackwagon."  

Oh Hardass, why must you leave us?  I do not want another Wells, you are my favorite.  Who else will torment Cisco so?  Yours is not just the bromance we want, it is the bromance we NEED.

You'll pick a good movie?  No!  NO!  Why do you need a good movie when you're just gonna bang?

You know, Barry's right.  For people with so many reflective surfaces around them, y'all are awfully blase about this new meta.

Oh my goodness gracious.  I hate this plan, but I could watch them interview alternate Wells forever.

Yeah.  He went through a reflective surface.  WHY Y'ALL LOOK SO SURPRISED? 

You know I love Cisco, but Top is a terrible name.  Like, super awful.  It's barely relevant to her powers, and 100% contrary to the obvious relationship dynamic she's got going with Mr Vanity.

And there we have it folks, yet another awkward pivot to making out. 

 I hadn't realized kissing was a "no bodily contact" kind of event.

FLASH, WHY ARE YOU SO BAD AT ROMANCE?
Seriously. 
Iris and Eddie?  Painful
Cisco and Snart's Sister?  Ouch.
Caitlin and Jay?  Terrible.
Barry and Iris?  Super Awkward.
Wally and Jesse?  The Mini-Me of Super Awkward.

About the only real chemistry on the show was between Barry and Patty.  AND SHE'S GONE.  How can you write humor so well, and be so bad at writing love?

Awww, Hardass got his feelings hurt.  I mean, I don't blame him.  Also, I love him so much and I just want him to stay on the show.  But given that this was his idea, it's a leeeeetle silly for him to be butt hurt about it now.

Caitlin, I am still waiting on that black leather bustier.  

I call this screencap "The Love Triangle"

Two Wells... the mind boggles with the possibilities. 
I mean.  I don't want to speak for you.
But my mind certainly boggles.
I've got possibilities for DAYS over here.

You know the real reason Joe's kicking Barry out.  It's so he, too, can have his own awkward makeout scenes with the hot DA on the couch.
I mean, he doesn't want to be left out.
Awkward makeouts are apparently mandatory for all Flash Characters.

YAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS!!!!

SUPERGIRL HAS SEEN THE LIGHT!

Supergirl?  Did you finally remember what you're supposed to be about?

I... I think you did!

I mean first, Hank doesn't just hint at racism, he straight out draws the obvious parallel!  YOU GO HANK!!!!!

Then the president is a woman.  And not just any woman. 

WONDER WOMAN.

 Raise your hand if you're DYING for her to put her fists on her hips.

C'mon, Supergirl.  You're doing so well.  Don't let me down now!

YAS!!!!  Make another dig at Trump!!!

Also... am I blind or is this a romance in the brewing?

I THINK IT MIGHT BE!

Wait... problem... Why is Lynda Carter delivering all her lines like she's Jame T Kirk?  Seriously, she gets about four words in and then pauses.  EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Hel-LO Super Cute Dude who is clearly not the bad guy!

Oooohhhh... And now Lena Luthor wants to have a test for humans, a way to tell the locals from the immigrants, as it were.  YOU ARE ON A ROLL, SUPERGIRL!!!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS!!!!  YAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS!!!!  And the snarky ass old-school reporter comes in for the win!!!  Because the news SHOULD be unbiased!!!  I mean, I'm not, but that's cause I'm not a reporter!!!

Oh, Oh, OH, this is so good!!!  Kara is actually prejudiced herself, against this Daxomite!  IT'S JUST LIKE ZOOTOPIA!!!  Showing the hero as prejudiced helps us understand that we all are, not just bad people!!! IT'S A WONDERFUL THING TO DO!

HAH!  That spin to put out the fire was a Wonder Woman homage if ever I saw one.

WHEEEEEE!!!!  That is definitely a romance in the brewing.  Alex is laying on some serious bedroom eyes.

So's this.  I mean.  Too obvious.

 Two lost ships, colliding in the night.

I got a question, though.  Kara's pod got knocked off course for twelve years.  Where's THIS dude been for 12 years? 

AHAHAHAHA!!!!  SHE CAN'T SEE YOUR OTHER JET, WONDER WOMAN, IT'S INVISIBLE!

oooooooooooooooo... I really want that to be M'gann...

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSS!!!!!!!!

Verdict: Supergirl has finally gotten its shit together.  The day I dreamed of has come.

A Lump of Coal in a Sea of Diamonds

Thank you!  Thank you, Superman.

"See, if the bullets don't work, why the punching?  I've never understood that."

On the one hand, Superman is by far the best character on this show currently (barring, possibly, Win.)  I love him, and I hope he never leaves.  On the other hand, I am a little mad that the only female headed superhero show is currently getting stolen by a male character.

Here's an idea, how about the writers just make the other characters better?

Yes!  Just like this!!! Cat is telling Kara to fix her own shit!  Alex is telling Kara to stop whining and maybe think about someone other than herself for a while!

Win is on a super cheerful, super snarky roll, and I love it.

 Hey, why don't we get silly and take a Geiger counter to the ACTUAL locker room.

In fact, about the only character that isn't really making me happy right now... Is Supergirl.

Can we please, please, PLEASE get a female main character who doesn't spend her time swanning around complaining about how no one understands her?  How she's so lonely?  I'm not asking for a perfect woman.  Just give me one that has less quintessentially feminine problems.  Make her a playgirl with money to burn, or someone with rage issues, or give her a dark haunted past that has made her disconnect from humanity.  MAKE HER A HERO.  Don't make her another insecure girl who just happens to have superpowers.

Make her like Alex.  I mean, Alex doesn't always make the brightest choices--

Really?  You're going on the sting operation with no back-up?

--but you can't deny that she's a hardcore badass.

It's okay, guy.  Waking up makes me homicidal, too.

Instead, I have a dreadful sinking feeling that Kara's gonna end up dating this guy who tried to strangle her the first time they met.

Don't do it, Kara.  Just... don't.

Who's Who of Lucifer

Lucifer is probably the most ridiculous show on television right now.  It makes zero sense.  I mean, imagine every problem you've ever had with a pop culture movie or show where a hundreds of years old vampire just randomly decides he's soul mates with some sixteen year old.  Yeah, that.  Now multiply it by millennia, and imagine that the ancient creature in question is so epically clueless about his own nature that he's oblivious to basic truths that even stupid humans figure out without too much trouble.

Yeah.  Exactly.  It's terrible.

But, here's the thing: I really don't care.  I don't care in the slightest.

Why, you ask?

To answer that, I think I'm gonna have to introduce you properly to the cast.

Let's start with Dan, aka Detective Douche.

Now, we don't really like this guy, mainly because he's a decent, caring father and a kind, non-combative ex-husband, and this show is about hedonism.  But no one can deny that he is damn pretty.  I mean, just look at him.  He's like the platonic ideal of a good guy.

Ugh.  Chloe, aka The Most Boring Foil Ever.

I seriously dislike this character.  She tears my ass with boredom.  But, even with all that.  I cannot deny that she is super pretty.  I don't have to dwell on it, though, so...

Let's move on to Linda, aka Doctor Hottie McHotpants.

I adore Linda.  She's the most insightful character on the show, fully understands her own motivations, and makes good choices.  She's also unashamed of a little romp in the sack and HAVE YOU SEEN HOW HOT SHE IS?

I hope you're noting the theme here.  It's just gonna get better.

Maze, aka Mazikeen, aka Seductress Dominatrix from Actual, Literal Hell.

I adore Maze, too, mainly because she's so very, very unapologetic that she is what she is.  Also... can I draw your attention to the fact that she freaking gorgeous?

Amenadiel. Aka The Brother, aka The Rapidly Falling Angel

On what is otherwise an incredibly vapid show, Amenadiel actually has a compelling and interesting character arc.  It's not featured nearly enough, but he's really worth watching when he's on the screen.  Plus--you knew I was getting to this, didn't you?--HE'S TOTALLY BEAUTIFUL.

Lucifer.  Aka, the Titular Character.  Aka The Most Unrealistically Self-Oblivious Sentient Being Ever to Be Featured As the Star of a Show. 

I am so torn about Lucifer.  On the one hand, he is delightfully hedonistic.  Charmingly wayward.  Blithely unconcerned with puritanical morality, which I appreciate deeply.  That being said, he comes across as so unaware of his own motivations that you have to wonder if he's not at least a little bit stupid.

And yet... SO VERY, VERY PRETTY.

And, finally, as a bonus:

Mother Goddess, aka Charlotte Richards, aka The World's Premier MILF, aka YOUR MOMMA IS A CYLON.

Because the show didn't have enough blindingly gorgeous people wandering around, they decided to toss in one more.  And, just for funsies, they introduced her in a plot line in which, if she dies, she just wakes up in a new body.

HOMAGE TO BSG, METHINKS?

So, anyway, I don't really care that the show is really very dumb.  It doesn't matter in the slightest.  Because I am not there for the deep thought.  I am there for the eye candy, and really, all of you should be, too.

Doing Arrow a Solid

Bro, I'm gonna do you a solid.

I'm gonna rewrite your intro for you.

My name is Oliver Queen.  You can call me Ollie, if you're feeling brazen.

After five seasons, I'm still doing these ridiculous flashbacks.  All my fans can hope is that in season six we'll finally have caught up to the present, and the madness will stop.

Since the costume designers were tired of dressing me in t-shirts, they've written a plot line where I get to be mayor.  And everyone is super pleased, cause I look damn fine in a suit.

By night, they have finally given me some freaking sleeves, so I look less redonkulous.  

I am... the man who likes to do the salmon ladder shirtless.  

 I am... the Green Arrow.

This time, on Arrow...

Someone needs to tell that dude that hockey masks are not appropriate gear for vigilantes on the side of justice.  Friday the 13th saw to that, eternally.

OH MY GOD, IT'S LIKE THEY HEARD ME!!!!  But why is he wearing a suit?

I'm with Felicity.  That is super hot.

Oh look!  Military scenes!  Let's see... there's a crusty old white guy, and some rebels from somewhere European... awesome.  Done.  I know everything I need to know.  Let's go.

HAH!  Apparently they agreed with me, because they just went with "I don't have to tell you the kind of chaos that will ensue if they succeed."  No sir, you do not.  I assume standard issue chaos, sir.

I suddenly had a terrible feeling that John is going to get that poor little boy killed, and this is somehow going to send him back to Star City.  

I imagine the direction for this scene was;

"Now turn and strut." 

Training?  Oh lordy, I think I feel a montage coming on.
Wow, not one, but two, one for each time line we're following.
I can't decide if this makes me like the flashbacks, or hate them more.

Ugh.  This whole middle section is mind numbingly boring.  I am so tired of these people all having the same problems eternally.  Where is the character growth?  It's legitimately like we're back with Season 2 Oliver.  And John?  What is this crap about "trusting the chain of command"? 

HAH!  See!  See!!!! The crusty old white dude is doing something underhanded.  Trusting the chain of command is boneheaded.

Good for you, Curtis.  NEVER LET A MAN TREAT YOU LIKE YOU'RE NOT WORTH HIS TIME.

Oh, the nostalgia.

You know, Felicity's standards for him have dropped so much now that they're not together anymore.  She used to want him to be perfect.  She used to get mad when he proved himself to be fallible.  Now she just seems to accept it and help him through it.  SEE?  CHARACTER GROWTH.

Damn.  I was really hoping I was wrong about that farm boy getting killed.

Uuuuuuuuunnnnnnnhhhhh... BORED NOW.

Can someone do something soon?  Because this is laaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.  Look, writers, if you're gonna try to go for emotional depth, you have to spend more screen time on emotional content.  That's how this works.  Otherwise you've just pasted some motivation on top of a twenty-hour fight scene each season.

Decide what kind of show your making and stick with it, because right now neither the violence nor the emoting is cutting it for me.