My Kingdom for a Badass Woman

This is how I want my Wonder Woman.
Kicking the ass of the most powerful man in the world.

So, I've got this little issue.  I feel like the superhero movie genre is doing a piss poor job of giving us a female hero we can relate to.  I mean, eight years after Iron Man got the MCU going and over a decade after Batman Begins (which I would argue is the beginning of the modern DC cinematic universe) we're finally going to get a movie led by a woman.  And what are we hearing about this Wonder Woman?

"It’s very easy to relate to her. She has the heart of a human so she can be emotional, she’s curious, she’s compassionate, she loves people."

WTF?  What does that have to do with her being a badass?

 While we're questioning her badassitude, can we also ask where the hell her arm muscles are?

"there is something charming about the simplistic way in which she sees the world. But once she falls in love and starts her journey with Steven Trevor (Chris Pine), he educates her about the complexity of mankind."

Wait, what now?  Let's back this up.  So, you're saying this movie is about a woman who doesn't really understand the world, until a man teaches her better?  Seriously?  SERIOUSLY?

"Diana can still be a normal woman, one with very high values, but still a woman. She can be sensitive. She is smart and independent and emotional. She can be confused. She can lose her confidence."

OR SHE COULD BE A FUCKING BAD ASS THAT DOESN'T TAKE SHIT AND DOESN'T NEED A MAN TO TEACH HER ANYTHING, AND YOU COULD START FOCUSING ON THE FACT THAT SHE'S A HERO, INSTEAD OF FOCUSING ON HER HAVING A VAGINA.

 Precisely, Xena.

*pant*

*pant*

Sorry, I just needed to get that out of my system.

Anyway, with my disappointment growing (before I ever even see the damn movie) I realized that Wonder Woman and DC may be failing me.  Naturally, therefore, I turned to the MCU as my last best hope for getting a female centered super hero movie that wasn't secretly a rom-com in disguise on the screen.

And who am I nominating?

She-Hulk.

 Damn right it's a girl.  And she's gonna kick your ass.

I think She-Hulk (aka Jennifer Walters) is uniquely suited to be the superhero women are looking for.  I mean, consider the context.  You've got Bruce Banner running around, turning into an uncontrollable green monster whenever he gets angry.  Then you've got Jennifer, who remains in control of herself when she verdates--

Yes.  Verdate.  It's a word I just made up.  It means "going green."

--and in fact is never portrayed as being really angry.  Cause anger isn't feminine, right?  Hulk gets to be a wild personification of rage, but She-Hulk has to contain herself, even when she verdates.

NOT UNLIKE ACTUAL LIFE.

 She even lawyers while green.  This is why Jennifer is the Queen of Self Control.

So, anyway.  I want a She-Hulk movie.  And I want it to be feminist as hell.  And, since ain't no one actually gonna write this movie for me, I went ahead and wrote it myself.

Stay tuned for the next post:  The She-Hulk Script.