We Wish You An Arrow Chri... Uh, HOLIDAY!

I'm just gonna say right up front that I feel like they missed a golden opportunity to have Oliver cavorting in the water without his shirt on. 

Mini-Felicity has a bright future ahead of her, as long as she doesn't get distracted by some relationship.  Keep your eye on the prize, Mini-F.

 You rock that brain.  Rock it like you mean it.

When I said keep your eye on the prize, I did NOT mean stand there like a deer in headlights while a drone shoots at you.

YAY!  Felicity's mom!  I love her.  She's hilarious. 

Dear hot blonde Mama--that is the scream we reserve for finding severed hands in the ornaments, not engagement rings.

Oooooooooooooh... You done made DD mad. 

Ehehehehehehehehe.  Arrow has decided to go to the mats on the whole "Christmas isn't the only winter holiday" issue.  I approve.  And I find the methodology amusing as well.

Basic lesson for anyone who is going to propose.  If you WANT it to be a surprise, make sure you don't leave clues lying around. 

Hey, maybe the reason Malcolm was fool enough to save Vandal Savage was so he would have a mystic owe him a favor if Thea needed rescuing.  That would certainly make more sense than "Oh, hey, bad guy code requires me to do any evil thing I can to screw over the good guys."

Oh Felicity.  Let me hand you a shoe horn to get that foot out of your mouth.

PARENTAL CANOODLING AT THE HOLIDAY PARTY IS AWKWARD.

Okay, it's also kinda hot.  

Stop it, stop it, stop it, STOP IT, STAHHHHHHHPPPPPPPP!  HUMAN!  WAT R U DOING?  FELICITY, YOU ARE FAR TOO AMAZING A WOMAN TO FLOUNDER IN THE WHOLE IS HE/ISN'T HE STUPID MELODRAMA.  IF YOU WANT TO MARRY HIM THEN JUST ASK HIM. 
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! THIS IS MAKING ME FEEL STABBY.

Okay.  Well.  That was better.  Still not as good as just asking him to marry you, but better.

Oh, Damien.  I fear you have made a tactical error.  Do not EVER make it personal with Oliver Queen.  It erases his new found snuggle-bunny personality, and unleashes the inner death monster.

Uh... Ollie?  Basic swimming 101.  Take off your shoes.

 "My daughter's in danger.  Shouldn't your first question be 'What took you so long?"  

Malcolm, every once in a while you are the MAN.

Oh yes.  This is your ONLY option.  Not like you could call Cisco.  Or, hell, even Curtis!  That dude is actually on your show!  IN A GIANT LAB.  AND HE'S GREAT AT TRACING THINGS.  BUT BY ALL MEANS, YOU GO AHEAD AND PUT YOURSELF IN MORTAL DANGER INSTEAD OF BEING A LITTLE SENSIBLE ABOUT IT. 

Twice in one episode!  Oh, Malcolm.  I'm so glad they didn't kill you.  Your snark makes my world a better place.

PREACH, FELICITY!!!! 

Excuse me.  I gotta go slam my head against the wall.  Cause if you're gonna claim you're in charge of your own choices, then you GOTTA BE WILLING TO POP THE QUESTION, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

Glad to see we got around to wet Ollie eventually.

LoL.  Because sharks should always be a factor.

Felicity, don't beat ineffectually on his arm.  Kick him in the 'nads.  That works better.

AHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!  This entire dialogue is magnificent. 

 "Bad guy, remember?"

"Let them go."  

"I will.  Existentially speaking."

Wow, they lasted WAY longer than that Hive guy.  I guess desire to screw over Damien can be a motivating factor in how long the gas takes.

Note to self.  If I ever become a crime fighting vigilante, make sure all my dress up outfits involve stretchy pants and flats, in case of emergency.

Thea, I am disappointed in you.  Felicity is spot on.  You ought to be on team "never call 'em dead until you've stabbed the body."

NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE ISLAND, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW HE SURVIVES.  LET IT GO ALREADY.

I think Oliver's biggest talent is actually his ability to change clothes in the blink of an eye.  It's really remarkable.

Awwww... that's an awfully pretty Hanukkah Bush.

So sparkly.

Oh thank god.  For two seconds there I was convinced that Felicity was going to get shot while Oliver knelt at her feet.

No.
No.
No!
NO!

I AM VERY UPSET NOW. 

VERY UPSET

Flashy the Swift Red Speedster

Okay, so, first of all, I'm kinda liking this new "preview the end then tell the story of how they got there" mode that they're using in Flash.  It makes watching the episode like putting together the pieces of a puzzle. 

Hardass.  More badass than anticipated.

Second--that is the creepiest Merry Christmas ever.  Someone either needs accolades or a smack in the face.  I can't decide which.

Awww... Iris, haven't we learned that secrets are bad?  Just tell your dad.  How can you possibly think it would be better for him to NEVER know his son then to just miss out on the first years?

Patty, you gotta loosen up a little.  That science lab is made for nookie.  Look at all that natural light!

KID FLASH!!!! AWWW YEAH, BABY, LET'S GET ANOTHER LITTLE SMART ASS UP IN HERE!!!!

Such awkward flirting.  Like, the MOST awkward.  I cannot handle it... it is SO AWKWARD.  Just bang already, okay?

THANK YOU CISCO!  OH MY GOD!!!! YOU ARE LIKE THE IN-SHOW VERSION OF ME, ONLY BETTER AT BUILDING THINGS!!!

I... CAN'T... EVEN... STRANGLING ON THE AWKWARD...

My face, every time Caitlyn and Jay are together.

Cisco, you are my soul mate.  I love you more than words can possibly express.

Oh... maybe they didn't jump back in time..?  But then, I'm gonna need an explanation of how Zoom ended up chasing Hardass through Star Labs...

Anything that brings Captain Cold back into my life DEFINITELY qualifies as a Christmas Miracle, even if that thing is a freakish, meta-human wrought snow storm.  This is almost certain to lead to more wonderful Flash/Cold shipping material.

{This space reserved for the first Flash/Cold shipper fan art I can get my hands on.}

Interesting that Hamil had time to film this episode, given the timing of the filming for The Force Awakens...

AHAHAAHAHAH!!!!  See what happens when you keep secrets?  People start keeping YOU out of the loop cause they think you don't know anything.

My bet is that Captain Cold gets word to Barry that something's afoot.  Because they have a pact between them, and CC is a man of honor.  In a weird way.  Plus he owes Barry for saving his sister.

Then they bang.  That's the very next thing that happens.

Why does every world have the Godfather?  Every world should have Steel Magnolias, instead.

SEE?  SEE BARRY?  THAT'S HOW YOU DO.  YOU REACH DOWN INSIDE, TAKE FIRM HOLD OF WHAT PASSES FOR YOUR NON-EXISTANT BALLS, AND TELL PEOPLE THE TRUTH.

Oh, poor Joe.  Now I am sad.

That there is a man of intense moral fiber.  No screaming.  No yelling.  No accusations or redirection of his anger and shock.  Just a quiet request to be allowed space and time to think.

YAAAY!!!!!

 NOW KISS!!!

"My stocking won't be completely stuffed until it's filled to the brim with bloody Flash parts."
Ummm... Jester?  PHRASING?

BARRY!!!! You just got told that they're working together to kill you.  I mean, that sexy, sexy man JUST BROKE INTO YOUR HOUSE AND THREATENED YOU WHILE GIVING YOU VITAL INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR SAFETY.  Why you gotta go out there like it's NBD?  Why you gotta be a punk?  Damn. 

Hey, you saved Patty from the explosion!  Know what might be a good idea now?  TELLING HER THE TRUTH.

LoL.  Caitlyn's all like... "couples start to resemble each other".  Did anyone else notice both she and Jay are wearing black pleather in that shot?

LAME.  He didn't have to pull down his beard.  Anyone who didn't already know that was Jester didn't need to be clued in.

Helicopter hopping is my new favorite meta-sport.

 "Time for a REAL war on Christmas."

AHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!  I love the Jester.  I love his insane honesty. 

Okay, so actually magnets work by... never mind.  You know what?  Just fucking forget I said anything.  Go save Christmas, Hardass.

HAH!!! PATTY HAS AN ANTI-BARRY DEVICE!!!

Bee tee dubs, now would be an awesome time to tell her who you are.  Might shock her out of shooting that dude in the face. 

DAMN.  That move with the watch...  That man has some parenting skills.  I would marry Joe West.  I mean, Cisco is my soul mate, but Joe West is a man for the ages.

FUCKING FINALLY!!!!  Although, I gotta admit, I was expecting more tongue.  Try to do better next time, guys.  We'd like all this awkward to have been worth something.

Hey, Barry, you know what you could get her in return?  SOME MOTHER FUCKING HONESTY.  Seriously, this whole secrecy plot line is really tearing my ass.

KID FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!!!!!! 

Well, that was predictable.  Dangle a man's daughter in front of him and he'll help you do all kinds of things.  I still have faith in Hardass.  I think he's gonna come through in the end.

Supergirl: That's Not How You Human.

Really, Alex?  I expected better from you.  Just because a man withholds one piece of information, it does not logically follow that EVERYTHING he says it a lie.

Alex.  Surprisingly willing to jump to conclusions.
 

Apparently not only is she now vulnerable, her immune system is like an insane swamp beast.  Seriously?  A kid sneezed on her 20 minutes ago and she's already dripping from her face?  That is not how viruses work.

WHAT IS WITH THE SUPERHEROES AND THEIR ODD NEED TO TEMPT FATE?  Kara, for future reference, never, ever say "the world can do without Supergirl for one day" EVER AGAIN.  It is the automatic cue to the stage manager of chaos to let loose the hounds of hell.

On the other hand, it got that tall, attractive man to take his shirt off, so I take it back.  Wreak all the havoc you want.

Gratuitous Man Candy.
 

Ummmm... I thought that room was keyed to Kara's biometrics, and she was the only one who could get in there.  How come it's full of agents?

So, for a couple episodes now I've been wondering if Henshaw is actually J'onn J'onzz.  It wouldn't make much sense, because it's completely outside the storyline for the Martian Manhunter, also it would be silly to take such a big name property and make him a secondary character in the Supergirl plot line.  But he's got red eyes, and I think he's a shapeshifter, which would fit with the Martian profile... 

Wow.  Way to turn into a giant crybaby the minute you're reduced to being a mere mortal.  Your sister's NEVER had powers, and she still goes toe-to-toe with some big nasties.  How about you pull up your big girl spanks and get your ass off that bench?

THAT'S RIGHT!!!!!  THOSE ARE THE BIG GIRL SPANKS I WAS TALKING ABOUT!!!

 Real bravery is when you know the bullets won't bounce.

Ummm... Alex, when you leave a man handcuffed to the pipes while there's a crazy on the loose, you're essentially condemning them to potential death.  That seems a little harsh until you know what actually happened to your dad.  Just saying.

Supergirl, please stop saying that reaching someone emotionally feels better than flying.  (A) you know damn well that's a lie, and (B) it's just too fucking predictable that the girl likes getting in touch with her emotions. 

The hug is a good first step.  NOW KISS.

Fuck yeah, Win.  Speak your truth and know no shame.  Although you're kinda shooting yourself in the foot there, telling her she can't ever be with a normal human.

Okay, look, from the moment Jimmy decided to climb in the elevator, the rest of the plot was predictable.  Here's what I wish, though.  I wish it had been Win.  Not because I want him to "get the girl" in the end, but because I'd like Supergirl to be able to show that she doesn't JUST care about the object of her Super Crush.  Win has been her friend for a long time.  Saving him would have been just as plausible, and it would have been less stupidly girly.

Whoa, Kara, who did your eye makeup for that scene?  Whoever it is, please tell them to lay off the excessive liner.  I like a good cat-eye as much as the next theatrical individual, but let's not go overboard here.

HOLY FUCKNUTS!!! I WAS RIGHT!!!! 

*pauses for a victory lap around the living room*

YEAH BABY!!!!!

Seriously, I can't believe they did that, though.  J'onn is INCREDIBLY powerful.  I mean, massively so.  It's kind of like giving her Superman to back her up, which they were very careful not to do.  Also, props that actor.  They finally gave him worthwhile dialogue and he's actually emoting.

Jesus, people, she just hugged him.  It's not like she banged him on the desk or anything.  When did a hug become so damn controversial?  Like, is it the new comic book version or oral?  WHAT THE HELL?  CAN WE PLEASE STOP TREATING WOMEN LIKE PREDATORY SEX DEMONS WHO CAN PERVERT A MAN WITH A SINGLE EMBRACE?  DAMN.

Oh look!  Predictably, now that she's fallen off Win's pedestal, and made Jimmy confront his feelings, now they don't want to have anything to do with her.  Because god forbid she be fallible (I mean, if we're gonna count hugging as ACTUALLY INAPPROPRIATE, WHICH I DO NOT), or that she force a man to be honest with himself.  GOD FOR-FUCKING-BID.

Okay, someone needs to give the General some acting lessons.  I've seen her on other shows, and she does normal human pretty well.  But she's actually terrible at dripping with evil.  I would think that would be easy, cause, you know... DRIPPING WITH EVIL.  You just have to let out the inner demons.  But no.  Maybe she's just too nice to pull it off well.  She's great as the mom.

Too nice.  Far too nice.

Dear Female Characters, Stop Apologizing

"I get it, you're a vampire.  It's a tortured existence.  I'm sorry, but do you really have to be such an insensitive disappointment?" pause.  sigh.  "I'm sorry."
--The Originals

 Yell more.  Not less.

We've all seen it like a billion times.  Admittedly, it happens more brazenly in supernatural dramas, where some mythical excuse for being an asshole makes it "okay" that some guy persists in being a dick long past the point where any rational human being would be able to justify such behavior, but we see it in non-supernatural dramas as well.  It always goes like this:

Guy does some really, really, unbelievably dickish thing.
Woman gets justifiably upset.
Guy keeps being an ass.
Woman finally snaps and says not only what she really thinks, but also what the rest of us are thinking as well.
There is a long silence.
She sighs.
Then--even as I scream at the TV "DON'T SAY IT!"--she says it.

"I'm sorry." 

Every.  Single.  Time.

This is because, in the grand scheme of things, we expect men to be narcissists, and we expect women to be self-denying and understanding.  Don't believe me?  Then I invite you to come along with me on a magical journey of enlightenment.

No male character is ever too dark for redemption.  I particularly love to use Damon Salvatore in this example.

Not his first time ripping out a heart.

This is a guy who murdered his brother's best friend.  He also murdered his (eventual) girlfriend's brother.  He's emotionally manipulative, morally bankrupt, and incredibly, incredibly self centered.  The only thing that finally convinced him to stop acting like the biggest asshole in the universe is because he fell in love, and in order to get the girl he chose to be a better person.  But that isn't because he actually IS a good person.  It's just the only means of attaining what he wants.  Without fail, his desire for what he wants is consistently what motivates him, and the only time he applies anything even remotely resembling moral behavior to the situation is when he can't get whatever he's hankering for through his more typical form of villainy. 

But do we hate him?  No way.  We love the guy.  Damon Salvatore was a great villain, then he was a superb anti-hero, and now we're totally willing to root for him as the good guy.

Why?  Because guys are supposed to be that way.  Totally self centered.  Totally focused on their own wants.  We're all happy as clams to know that the only thing standing between this guy and a rampaging murder spree is the love of a good woman.  It's cool with us. 

And how are the ladies supposed to respond to this?  Well, obviously they're supposed to be forgiving.  Because charm will always win us over.  And we know that ultimately, we're responsible for everything the men around us do.  Who really holds a grudge about having their brother's neck broken, anyway?

Not this girl, that's for sure.

So fictional men are going to swan around being giant dicks.  And fictional women are going to repeatedly do all the emotional work of keeping them in line.  And that would be bad enough, but the thing that makes me want to tear my hair out is the way they keep apologizing for it!

Delusional, mistrusting, oddly obessed with you vampire breaks into your apartment at night, refuses to leave, and then acts like a dick, finally prodding you into giving him a piece of your mind?

Apologize.

Man with immense power and influence manipulates you into giving up your entire life in order to act as his arm candy, and one particularly trying night you snap and tell him he's forced you into something you don't want to do?

Apologize.

Recovering alcoholic tries to sublimate his grief by purchasing a freaking bar, and when you express some concern over this he blows up in your face and walks out on you?

Apologize.

I gotta hand it to my girl, Jessica Jones, though.  Serial abuser offers to turn over a new leaf if only you'll give up your entire life and be his moral compass?  

Drug his ass and throw him in a specially designed cell.

Don't apologize.

Arrow and Flash: I'm still not done talking about his sleeves.

Part two of the cross-over!!!!!  I'm all a flutter!!!

Oh, hey, before I get going, I found a promo pic from a few seasons ago, and I feel like I need to share it with the world.

You're welcome.

Now, on with the show!!!

I feel like there OUGHT to be a way for that dude to say "Khufu" without sounding silly, but as yet I have not found it.

OH MY GOD!  Now we're having flashbacks to ANCIENT EGYPT?  They should rename this show "Any stupid plot line for a flashback"

WOW!  That is a LOT of boob right there.  I mean, you go on with your bad self, Chayara, if you want to rock out with your tits out, who am I to say no?

 So much cleavage.

Oh that was terrible.  It was so terrible, it was hilarious.  "I love your tongue"?  A line like that requires a certain amount of finesse.  Which Hawkman does not--apparently--have.

AHAHAAHAHAHAHAH!!!! AVENGERS REFERENCE! 
Bad writers.  Don't you know your souls belong to DC?

I feel like this is the best set up for a superhero sleep over party EV-ARH.  Please let there be a pillow fight.  Please let there be a pillow fight.  Please let there be a pillow fight...

Oh, you know this is killing me to admit, but ever since they came back from the flashback there are so many amazing one liners I am hugging myself with glee.  I LOVE CROSSOVER EPISODES!  Half the drama, four times the camp!

Know what?  I think this may be the first time I've ever seen Felicity wear pants.  It's like she finally discovered practicality and comfort.  Amazing.

Awww... Check out Ollie being a reasonable person instead of just pretending everything is fine and stalking off to find his kid.  Way to adult, Ollie!  I'm rooting for you!

Sometimes I feel bad for Myra Queen.  Then sometimes I remember that she was basically a terrible person.

William had a red backpack with white polka-dots on it.  It's things like this that--more than anything else--make me adore this show.  No fan fare.  No one has to comment on it.  They just very gently push at traditional stereotypes by presenting things that aren't traditional as so normal it doesn't even bear commenting on.

Is... Is John Barrowman wearing leather pants?

Oh, Barry's time traveling again.  Exciting.  Possibly disastrous.  Should be a good time.

Leather pants or not, the man has a fine ass.

Grant Gustin on the other hand... I like him, and he's adorable, and he clearly works out.  But I don't know if that Flash costume is sagging in all the wrong places, or if he really does have the world's least exciting posterior.

Here, have a screen shot for comparison.

You know, if he's THAT worried about Thea, Malcolm could just stick around and HELP.  Damn.

Damn, Khufu.  Try to deliver a line without making me want to punch you in the face, k?

I would really like to see Chayara take full possession of her memories, and then choose to stay with Cisco.  Because Khufu is such a self assured prick.  "Oh, I know everything, and you should just do what I say, and we are eternal lovers."  Fuck you, dude.  I'm rooting for Cisco.

Got it?  Got it how?  Did you just put it down next to your laptop and use mystic energies to read the tape?  WHERE'S THE VCR?

AWWWWWW!  YOU HAS A BABY!!!  Well.  A 9 year old.  Same diff.

I like how the tiny blonde woman whose only superpower is her massive brain just bullied a genuine meta-human into revealing secret info.  Way to rock your power, Felicity.

This is an excellent scene.  Full of feels.  But I am completely distracted by the fact that the set dressing team apparently just put stacks of... what are those?  Tea cups and saucers?  On the table, and told her to treat them like dirty dishes. 

Seriously?  How many people live in this house?  And what were they eating?  I count three water glasses, three coffee cups, two saucers, three bowls, and a large (empty) serving bowl.  Oh, and one dirty plates.  Everything else is perfectly clean.  You shame us all, set dressing crew.

DAMNIT.  THIS IS STUPID.  YOU AND YOUR STUPID, STUPID PLOT DEVICES.  What woman on earth would literally expect him to tell NO ONE?  This is some old bullshit.

Aaaand now we continue on with the stupidity.  Because here is where he could say: I was planning on telling you as soon as I knew, one way or the other, but when I confronted the kid's mother she made me promise not to tell a soul, if I wanted to get to know him.  THAT'S why I lied to you just now.  Not because I wanted to.  But because I felt I owed it to her to respect her wishes.

Ollie, you lose all the adulting points I gave you earlier.  Minus 50 DKP.

Oh, it's kind of touching how he's having a hard time not crying in front of everyone.

Also, side note, THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T TEMPT FATE, OLLIE!

Ahhhhh... well, that would be a good reason to change the time stream.  You know, it's kind of nice to know that Barry has a get out of jail free card any time a friend dies.  Nice, and also creepy and incredibly fraught with destructive potential.

Yup.  It's not the costume.  Sorry Grant.  This in no way affects my fondness for you, but your ass is just not prepossessing. 

Nooooooooo Cisco!  Don't give up!  Carter is an asshat!  Give the woman an option!  Fight Fate!

HAH!!!! CISCO SAID Nth METAL!  WAY TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT TO THE GEEKS!

GODDAMNIT OLIVER, HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED ANYTHING?  What could happen there that's worse?  Uh, let's see... you could watch everyone ELSE die while you survive?  Or Savage could kill Felicity?  OR YOUR SON?  I mean, why you gotta keep tempting fate like that?

Oh, what a surprise.  They won.

I sincerely doubt he's actually gone for good.  I mean, first of all, he's a Class A Super Villain, and doing away with him in a convenient two-parter is silly.  Second, there's that whole Legends of Tomorrow thing.

Why IS she going with him?  I mean, I get that she's contracted to a Television show, but in terms of a woman's right to choose her partners, she ought to flip Khufu the bird and stay with Cisco. 

First step, hugging.  Next step, making out.  Now THAT'S a cross-over Episode we'd ALL tune in for.

NOW KISS!!!

Damnit.  Oliver.  Just tell her that it's someone else's secret, and they made you promise not to tell, but you'll tell her if you ever can.  It's not that fucking hard!  WHY ARE YOU PLOT DEVICING?

Malcolm, you are such a dumbass. 

Flash and Arrow: Two Great Tastes That Are Better Together!

OH SHIT SON!  I had forgotten about Baby Oliver.

Hardass, I love you.  I love your no nonsense, straightforward approach to literally everyone.  Please continue cataloging all the things Barry might be doing wrong in order to fail to achieve top speed.

 Actually, just keep talking.  You can say anything you like.

Dude, that guy has a metric fuck ton of knives.

AHAHAHAHA!!! Now even CISCO'S girlfriend knows.  But of course, we're still not going to tell Patty.  Because reasons.  Really important hero reasons.  Like... Like...  OH NO WAIT, NOT FOR ANY REASON AT ALL!

YAAAAAAAY!!!!  Cross over episode!!!  Cross over episodes are my favorite.  Something about Oliver's dark brooding single-mindedness compared with Barry's lighthearted camp just really amuses the hell out of me.

Okay, okay, okay, I know this isn't my normal MO, but... I think I might really be enjoying this episode.

Felicity being snarky over the open com line is AH-MAH-ZING.  Please do that more.  In fact, make a whole spin off show that is just about Felicity being snarky.  I would watch the hell out of that.  She could make cameos on OTHER superhero shows, being snarky for them.

Damien Dark is the most wittiest villain.  He's hilarious.  I love him. 


Dear Thea, your confusion is charming.  Maybe you should get Ollie to sit down and tell you what happened BEFORE you joined the scooby squad.  Then you would be less "oh how adorable" and more "there's a frood who knows where her towels at."

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! THANK YOU!  THANK YOU FOR ASKING HIM WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HIS SLEEVES!

 Seriously.  WTF happened to your sleeves?

I have a hard time believing Felicity can't read a schematic on how to hook up a computer.  That seems like bullshit.  Utter bullshit.

Oh Cisco.  You can say it.  Go on.  Starts with "girl" ends with "friend.  Or, you know, skip it all and call her your lov-ah.  That would be awesome, too.

LOL.  I see new, relaxed, more open Oliver did not last long against Barry's more casual way of heroing.

AHAHAHA!  Cisco, you are welcome to talk about your conditioner game ANY TIME.

Oh no.  Oh no.  Oh nonononononono!  OLLIE!  You DO NOT TEMPT THE GODS OF FATE LIKE THAT!!! NEVER SAY YOU'RE HAPPY!  NEVER SAY YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED.  Ohhhhh... you just fucked yourself.

Oh LOOK!  Now Cisco has a completely unnecessary secret that he can keep from HIS lady friend!  Awww, isn't that nice.  The boys can be stupidly closed-mouthed together.

So, either Barry has suffered a massive slow down, or that dude is faster than he seems, because Barry shouldn't actually have a hard time catching those knives.

Oh LOOK!  Cisco is going to tell his woman about his powers because it makes total sense and might save her life!  SEE, BARRY?  THAT'S HOW YOU DO IT!

Yay!  John Barrowman!!!!  He's so bad at being evil, but so pretty while he does it.

OH LOOK, IT'S CAITLYN'S MAN CANDY.  WONDER WHERE HE'S BEEN FOR THE PAST SIX EPISODES!?

Show of hands: who here thinks when Hardass says "we're gonna do what we need." He means they're gonna hold Jay down and give him the drug anyway, to test it?

Oooooooohhhh... Vandal Savage.  They done pulled out a BIG mamajama.

 Vandal Savage.  Immortal.  Evil.  Snappy Dresser.

That crazy girl is being hunted by an immortal badass, why did she decide to go out unprotected in the night?

See?  SEE?  You GO OUTSIDE, YOU GET GRABBED BY HAWKMAN.

Omg.  That high five miss.  That was epic.

I love how superheroes never talk to each other.  They just ASSUME anyone else out there is a bad guy.  I mean, a little "I want to keep her safe from Savage."  "Hey, me too!" Could have solved this whole thing without ANYONE needing to throw their lightning around.

Side note: I love how most of this episode of Flash is actually happening in Star City.  I wonder if Arrow will mostly happen in Central.

CAITLYN, HE JUST LOADED IT INTO A GUN.  IF HE WAS GOING TO GIVE IT TO SOMEONE WILLING, HE'D JUST NEED A SYRINGE.  HE IS TOTALLY ABOUT TO DOPE YOUR UNWILLING BOY TOY.  WHY ARE YOU SUCH A TRUSTING NIMROD?

Oh shit, son.  Hardass got shot.
I am not cool with that.
I am not cool with that at ALL.

WHAT THE FUCK PATTY?  JESUS, ARE YOU A GUY NOW?  SHOOT FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LATER?

I AM STILL ANGRY AT PATTY... otherwise I would totally be laughing my ass off over Barry's snark to Malcolm.

Aaaaaaand... we're still not telling Patty what's going on.  Sure.  Why not.  Her not being in on the secret only managed to get Hardass SHOT.  It couldn't possible be safer to tell Miss Twitchy Finger not to shoot any MORE of the critical characters!

I feel like Hawkman and Hawkgirl have really been strong armed into the plot.  This is some kind of nonsense.  Are they hoping to do a spin off?  Is that why they're putting so much effort in?

Ohhhhhh... they're gonna do Legends of Tomorrow.  I see.

Ah, Jay's going to take it willingly.  Good.  That means we won't have to be angry at Hardass.  But still, I bet he would have done it without Jay's consent if he had to.  Because he's HARDASS, man.

Ahahaha!  I really hope they keep up that whole "it's your city!" thing.  It's delightfully passive aggressive.

*there should be a comment here, but I was laughing too hard about Barry calling it a tie.*

So much hubris.  SO MUCH HUBRIS.  Y'all are gonna get your asses handed to you by Savage.  FYI.

THAT'S YER BABY!!!!!!!

Okay, really looking forward to the rest of this in the Arrow half of the crossover.

No, seriously, dude, WTF happened to your sleeves?

Why I Worship at the Altar of Tennant: A Brief Synopsis

Look, someday all the swelling will go down, the incisions will close, and I'll stop taking so many drugs.  Until that happens, you're just going to have to tolerate frequent posts, because I can't do anything except either be in pain or be high, and that's really no choice at all.

Like many people on this side of the Atlantic, I first encountered David Tennant as the 10th Doctor.  (Well, I say many people.  I really mean "many nerds" but that's beside the point.)  I'd tolerated Eccleston--being told by my then husband that Doctor Who was a thing and we had to experience this thing--but I hadn't really loved him.  Then along came Tennant, and my whole experience of the Doctor changed. 

 Oh Doctor, my Doctor...

I adored the 10th Doctor.  He had more depth and breadth than the 9th (as well as, I was sadly going to learn, the 11th and 12th).  He had a complexity of character that made him more believable as a long-lived Time Lord.  Matt Smith was goofily charming, and Peter Capaldi certainly has the whole brilliantly weird thing down, but Tennant could be both of those things, as well as a host of others.  He was, by turns, a fearsome man plagued by demons, a romantic charmer, and a madcap genius. 

In short, he was fucking brilliant, and when the 10th Doctor died I actually refused to watch the new seasons for almost a year, because I wasn't ready to let him go yet.

It helped, in no small part, to realize that Tennant has a massive body of work out there for anyone willing to go digging around to find it.  And while my original obsession was with the character of the Doctor, the more of his work I watched the more I transferred my allegiance to the actor himself.

Don't get me wrong.  Ten will always be my Doctor.  But that is now something wholly and completely separate from my affection for Tennant.

 In a kilt.  You're welcome.

Not many actors are truly versatile enough to play anything.  That's part of the reason so many of them get pigeonholed into a particular type of roll.  It's just what they're good at.  Even those that aren't pigeonholed still generally have at least a few genres they don't do very well.  Those performers who seem able to play anything are rare.  Meryl Streep comes to mind.  So does Tom Cruise (although I don't care for the man personally, I can't deny he's brilliant.)  David Tennant is of their caliber, and it kills me, because almost no one here (aka: in the country where I live) knows it.

I've seen him in romances, dramas, psychological thrillers, comedies, modern films and Shakespearean plays, and the man is good in all of them.  It's ridiculous. 

Take his most recent turn as Kilgrave, in Jessica Jones.  The man played a psychopathic serial murder/rapist/torturer/all around "who the fuck is actually this evil" kind of guy, which should have made every single person on the planet loathe the character to the very depths of their being, and yet... Kilgrave was charming.  He was amusing.  He was pitiable.  We all knew he needed to die, but in the end we were sorry to see him go.  NOT EVERY ACTOR CAN MAKE YOU FEEL THAT!  It's a complicated line to walk, and holy shit, Tennant is good at it.

If you could do what I could do, you would do it too.

So come jump on the David Tennant bandwagon with me.  Take a look at Cassanova, or, if you just want to cry, watch Single Father.  His Much Ado About Nothing with Catherine Tate is amazing, and if you need a good giggle go ahead and watch Fright Night.  You can just fast forward to the scenes he's in.  That's what I did.

C'mon.  Drink the Kool-Aid.  You won't regret it.

Supergirl: More Tolerable On Drugs

Still high.  Yay for prescription medication.

Why does part of Central City look like LA?  I'm confused.  Is it supposed to be on the West Coast?


Dear Sargent Stick Up Your Ass, You have made a classic error in claiming that you are not angry because you are in control.  This demonizes anger as an emotion, and also is a typical power play made by men whenever a woman actually expresses her feelings (aka: the idea that if she admits she is angry that she has somehow lost control.)  I am very disappointed in you, AND the writers of this stupid, stupid show.

Oh, not cool, brah.  You don't invite your plot device to game night without checking with the hostess.  That's lame.

Oh, that's hilarious.  The mother daughter squabble is over print vs. tv media.  How very, very bourgeois.

While we've got her here, let's go ahead and add Cat's mom to the list of people we're gonna punch.

Help me Jeremy Jordan, you're my only hope.

OH SHIT SON!  RED TORNADO IS A MEMBER OF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE!  I mean, I suppose not yet.  But soon.  This raises an excellent question: how is DC treating the TV shows?  As expansions of the cannon?  As alternate universe scenarios?  What?

That make-up is hideous.  Seriously terrible.  I could do that.  What the fuck, Special Effects?  Did you just throw a bucket of paint on him?

Hah.  That was a rousing speech you gave, SG.  A shame it was on the subject of game night, but glad to see you've got it in you.

Way to pass the pain along, Cat.  Nice job.

Game night lived up to all of my expectations of being awkward.  I'm pleased.

SERIOUSLY, that make-up is so poorly done.  Red Tornado looks like he's made out of burlap.  Heavily painted burlap.

Hey look!  That random DEO agent was on Brothers and Sisters with Callista Flockheart.  I really enjoyed that show in the beginning (before it got overly dramatic) because it did a good job showing a large family dynamic.  I bet he's gonna be a repeating character.

I cannot let go of how awful that robot costume is.  It is pissing me off.

Oh, look, SG is having rage issues.  She's out of control.  I bet she learns her lesson and wraps it all up in 22 minutes.  Because this show wouldn't understand a plot arc if it bit them in the ass.

HER recklessness unleashed an uncontrollable killing machine?  How about the asshole who made it in the first place?  Jesus, way to be a predictable comic book General, you wanker.

Can I mention how hilarious I find it that Cat STILL doesn't know Kara's name, and the girl doesn't have the ovaries to correct her?

Well FINALLY.

Of course, she IMMEDIATELY had to turn around and apologize, like a punk.

Oh look!  Alex is going in for a booty call!  I do not care in the slightest what her stated reason is for vising Hairy Lex, we all know she's there to bang the bad guy.

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.  Of course it doesn't have anything to do with the Aliens.  It's because you're black.  Duh.

Cat and Kara in the bar is mother fucking brilliant.   Maybe it's just cause I'm high, but I actually love this scene.  Also, I think Cat is the only actual feminist on the show.  Well, maybe Jeremy Jordan is, too.

May I modestly suggest that, instead of just WATCHING the big red burlap sack make a tornado, you actually move to stop him?  Maybe?  Wanna think it over, get back to me?

Know what would have been classy?  If Lucy had apologized for her dad, and offered the thank you he didn't give.  That would have been classy. WHICH IS WHY IT ALSO WOULD HAVE BEEN TOTALLY UNPREDICTABLE, BECAUSE CLASSY IS SOMETHING THIS SHOW HAS YET TO BE.

Okay, I don't know about y'all, but if I walk into a room to see a fully laid fancy table (side note: those chairs are FANTASTIC) I assume it is an unequivocal sex invite.  BECAUSE IT IS.  Countdown to banging commences...

WELL DUH IT'S STILL UNDER CONTROL!

Now kiss.

Sigh.  That whole fancy table, and not even a kiss.  I feel let down.

Hey, you know what would be hilarious?  If an evil villain had a remote control android, but the signal was bad, and kept experiencing lag.  It would be like what I feel when I play Heroes of the Storm and my latency spikes.

Whoa.  She exploded it.  Right along with DC Cannon. (My friend has pointed out that I meant Canon, not Cannon.  Apparently misused homonyms enrage him.  I pointed out that I was really high, and if I all I misused was a homonym then I was doing well.  Also, I told him to bite me.)

Lucy, your dad is a grade A dick.

Of COURSE he's hiding something!  The man has red eyes!  Yes, thank you for reminding us, we might have forgotten if you hadn't given us that little nudge.

HAH!!! Careful what you wish for, whiny girl.  You never know when you might just make yourself mortal like the rest of us poor saps.

Supergirl 1x06... No WAIT! 1x05... NO WAIT!!! IT"S EPISODE FOUR!? WHAT THE FUCK?

Disclaimer:  I had oral surgery yesterday, and now I'm on all kinds of medications.  This may make less sense than usual, and that's saying something.  You have been warned.

 So, the first thing I'm noticing is that I apparently missed an episode.  How I do not know, although I assume it had something to do with the fact that this show is so bad that people are going brain dead while watching it and somehow mislabeling the episode #.  Seems plausible to me.

Oh I see.  CBS is airing them out of order.  You know, Fox aired Firefly out of order and in a continually changing time slot, and it basically killed the show.  What you bet the opposite happens here, since there is no justice in the universe?

Hmmm... now that you're using your powers, you feel like anything is possible?  Does that include this morphing into a good show?  Cause I have my doubts.

You can have it all, sure, EXCEPT for that very pretty man who is currently dating the plot device.

YOU ARE FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET, YOU CAN CATCH A DAMN AIR DRONE!

Five seconds and a cursory glance and she already knows there's no markings?  I am disappointed in you, Alex.  Felicity would have at least put it in a high tech scanner before randomly declaring there was no sign of the manufacturer.

This.  Fucking.  Show.  Why can't you bond Kara and Cat over something not quite so stereotypically feminine?   Childcare?  Really?  Why don't you just have them make pie together, while you're at it.

That poor plot device just got her pride trampled on.  I feel bad for her, even though I dislike her very existence.  It isn't personal, though.  I just hate all plot devices as a matter of principle.

Supergirl, the next time you snort cause a pretty man is talking to you I am going to find some pants, put my post-surgical meds in my purse, take a cab to the airport, fly to LA, drive to the Warner Bros lot, find you, and punch you in your damn face.  Knock it the fuck off.

Oh look, you DID find a clue!  Good job!

AHAHAHAHA!!!! "You spent more time in the friend zone than the phantom zone."  Somebody on the writing staff had coffee that morning.

I do not trust that man.  He's like Lex Luthor with hair.

Oh, you're leaving Alex behind!  That sounds like an excellent opportunity for a poor, lonely woman to bang a bad guy.  Let's see what happens.

Okay, am I the only one who feels like it's a little creepy that Kara is asking a 12 year old if he's got the hots for Supergirl?  Like, isn't that a little wrong?

It's okay, Alex.  I don't blame you for wanting to bang him.  He makes compelling arguments about the realities of superheros, and I'm a sucker for a compelling argument.  Of course, you're going to feel terrible when you find out he sabotaged his own building.

Oh, look.  He planted a bomb to lure in Supergirl.

Dude, wasting 15 seconds of your minute talking to Win is not a good idea.  You're gonna be gone like 3 minutes tops.  You're in the bathroom for longer than that.  Just go.

Oh god.  GO UP DUMBASS.  UP IS THE FASTEST WAY TO GET AWAY FROM THE CITY.

I'mm'a say this one more time.  TACTICS ARE IMPORTANT, EVEN FOR SUPERHEROS.

A concussive blast shouldn't actually hurt her that badly.  Superman can withstand the vacuum of space without bleeding from his eyes, which means kryptonian skin is pretty pressure resilient.  She should have been fine.

Of course, I don't know why I bother saying that, since we're all clear that no one who writes this show has any concept of applying actual standards or science to their make-believe.

That kid got out of school hours ago, how come she's going to get lunch?  Shouldn't it be dinner time?

Awww... Jeremy Jordan, you are a good actor.  I am sorry that it's going to take seasons and seasons (assuming the show lasts that long) for you to get the girl.

Look, I know he's going to end up being a ruthless bad guy, but I'm on Hairy Lex's side.  Address the real issues, and don't trust the government.

You know, I am torn between being glad that Kara apparently knows how to handle SOMETHING appropriately, and being full of rage that what she knows how to handle is relationship related, not world saving.

Does anyone else want to know how she walks in those boots?  Because it's seriously a burning question for me.  Are they not really boots?  Are they a cleverly crafted, incredibly tall slipper sock?

That actress does not seem to know the difference between a sad goodbye kiss and a "we're about to start eating each other's faces" kiss.

Ummm, honey, I can SEE the gap between those doors.  I think it would go faster if you just pried them open, instead of trying to bang your way through them.  But hey, you do what you want.

Sargent Stick Up His Ass has some nifty powers.  I wonder what he is.

See?  See?!?!?!  Hairy Lex has set this whole thing up, and promised to heal that man's daughter if he pretends to be a bomber.   SO PREDICTABLE.

Incidentally, it has occurred to me that I would make a terrible real life detective, because I would always discard the simple explanation in favor of something way more complicated.

Oh look, the pretty man and the plot device are still together!  Maybe Jeremy Jordan will get his shot this season, after all.

OH LOOK!!!!  IT TURNS OUT HE WAS RESPONSIBLE ALL ALONG!  WHAT A GIANT SURPRISE THAT IS!

Jessica Jones: A Momentary Binge Break

I'm about halfway through Jessica Jones...

Little side note:  I don't know if Netflix loves me, or is trying to kill me.  This habit of dropping a whole season at once is like escorting an addict into the world's best stocked pharmaceutical heaven and telling them to have at it as long as they can physically hold out.  Last night I had to force myself to go to bed.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand...

I'm about halfway through Jessica Jones, and I feel pretty confident saying that if you aren't watching the series, you should be.

In fact, I'm willing to go out on a limb and say at this point we all ought to be prepared to belly up to the table and binge our way through each and every Marvel spin-off Netflix chooses to deliver to us.  After their first season of Daredevil, and now the drop of Jessica Jones, it's clear that they're not dicking around with the franchise.  Netflix has cast a scornful eye on the lighter fare being offered in the hero genre by network television, and has very purposefully and mindfully chosen another path.  They're not going for bubbly or shallow--their heroes have real, gut wrenching pains--and from what I've seen it's paying off big time.

Jessica Jones is fundamentally about the nature of abuse.  The show isn't candy coating it, or making it less painful than it really is.  Someone at Netflix has done their research--or lived through it themselves--and they aren't pulling any punches.  They aren't shying away from the guilt victims can feel, or the way they're made complicit in their own abuse far too frequently.  They aren't denying the deep, often compelling bonds that can form between an abuser and their victim.  And they aren't reticent about acknowledging how damaging this can all be, even to the strongest of people.  Perhaps especially to the strongest of people--the ones who aren't used to feeling helpless and used.

There's no metaphor here--thinly veiled or otherwise.  The nature of the abuse is supernatural, but the actual patterns are textbook.  Jessica Jones is a very damaged woman, and we can all see why.  I have a friend who won't watch the show, because it's too honest for her.  I can't blame her.  Other people might feel the same.

But--but--I believe that the best art is that which is unafraid to explore dark realities.  And by that criteria alone this show is art.  Good art.  Maybe great art.

How great remains to be seen.  I'm watching Jessica pull herself out of the terror and fight back, the way I watched Matt Murdock thread his way between justice and vengeance.  I think it's a finer line to walk--harder to convey, and harder to keep compelling without devolving into melodrama.  If they can pull it off, though, then Netflix will have given us not just a woman hero, but a hero for women.  Someone we can look to not to save us, but to show us how to save ourselves.  Not only that, they will have given our entire culture a direct look at the patterns and standards of abuse--not least of which is the one that shows that it's easier to perpetrate abuse when those around you don't want to believe it's true.

Maybe there's a chance it will make a difference.  For certain there's a chance that this is going to be great art.  And, beyond that, there are all the normal reasons to tune into any show, like great plots, well scripted dialogue, and compelling performances by the leads.

So I think we should all be taking the risk of watching Jessica Jones.  I think it's going to be worth it. 

Jessica Jones, A love letter

Dear Netflix,

I wanted to let you know, from the bottom of my heart, how much I appreciate what you've done with Jessica Jones.

Now--full disclosure--you hired David Tennant to play the villain, so basically I was already prepared to love your show, even if that was the only redeeming feature.

But it's not!  And I'm so glad.  After the bubbly, insipid, "chick light" treatment some other notable female heroes have been getting, it's like a balm for my wounded soul to see how you're treating the wounded soul of Jessica Jones.

Thank you for giving her pride, but not making her stupid about it.

Thank you for making her pain real, not a passing twinge that can be solved in 40 minutes and a few kind words from a love interest.

Thank you for not apologizing for her sexuality, or drinking, or general angry attitude. 

Thank you for not feeling the need to explain why we should still like her anyway.

Thank you, in short, for giving me a heroine that I can imagine rising from the mat--bruised and hurting--to wipe the blood smear from the corner of her mouth, and then kick some serious ass.

It's about damn time.

Arrow 2x7: My Brother From a Greener Mother

Here's a thought for the writers of Arrow:  We already know Ollie makes it back to Starling City.  You can show us a flashback of a man holding a gun to his head as MANY TIMES AS YOU WANT, and we will never care. 

 I know that when *I* am trying to take down bad guys with big scary guns, my favorite thing to do is ride in on a noisy motorcycle and park AS FAR FROM COVER AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

Oh... it hurts me, on a visceral level, to watch a pile of money burn.

Yes!!! Tater tot, cheeto, and french fry.  Branch out into sweet things!  Call him a donut hole, next!

I assume "Alex has a way of making this interesting" means election strategy is his version of pillow talk.  Which is super weird.  I mean, for serious.  Can you think of anything LESS arousing?

OH LOOK, IT'S JOHN'S BROTHER!!!  WHO EVER COULD HAVE GUESSED THAT HE WOULD STILL BE ALIVE AND WORKING FOR HIVE?

Oh, right.  Me.

Wow, John has a real unforgiving streak, doesn't he? 

Oh, Felicity, thank you.  Thank you for existing.  Thank you for uttering double entendres with the same facility and thoughtlessness with which you breathe.  You bring me joy.

No... No... NO!  SERIOUSLY!!!  In the SAME PARAGRAPH you're going to say "Dark doesn't trust me" and then pass on a piece of information that was CLEARLY BAIT??  WHY?  WHHHHYYYYYY ARE YOU ALL SO DUMB?!

Thea, we don't tell the civvies about the inner secrets of the Quiver, even in round about ways.  This isn't Flash, where we tell literally everyone EXCEPT our lady friends.

Personally, I am okay with Thea beating the hell out of that guy.  Anyone who says "you look like the kinda girl where no means yes" totally deserves it.

Uh, out of all the things we're seen on this show, being whipped is just sort of meh.  I mean, painful, sure, but that guy is begging like Ollie is about to cut his leg off or something.

Oh look.  That went badly.  What a surprise.  I think I'm gonna have a heart attack and DIE, FROM NOT SURPRISE.

HAH!  Prediction.  The magic lenses that let them see through fabric will cause Thea to find out that her new boyfriend is a ghost. 

I mean, look at him.  He's clearly evil.

Awwww... that's nice.  His green brother.  I mean, there are several ways that could have been so much more eloquent, but it's sweet nonetheless.  Of course, it does evoke images of aliens.  Or munchkins. 

So, of course, now, every time we talk about Oliver's campaign, I'm going to have to start singing "As Mayor of the Munchkin City, in the county of the Land of Oz..."

Well of COURSE the file it true!  It's just not all there is to the truth.  Geez, John.  YOU HAVE TO THINK LIKE A CHARACTER IN A SHOW WHOSE DRAMA IS DRIVEN ENTIRELY BY ARTIFICIALLY CREATED TENSION!!!!  Damn, man.

Flash 2x07

Someone go give that boy a smack upside the head and remind him that he's lucky to be walking.

What?  WHAT?  JAY IS GONE?  But... he and Caitlyn never consummated their awkward attempts to engage in nerd boinking!

Oh Cisco, I wish you all the best of luck, but be careful she doesn't break you.  She's got this morning-star that's seen a lot of action...

Oh, Caitlyn, Caitlyn, Caitlyn.  Please don't tell me you're now pining after Hardass.  I mean, don't get me wrong, Tom Cavanagh is a hottie, but that's a terrible reason to keep a man from trying to go save his daughter.

(a) I adore Cisco.  I adore him more than words can say.  (b) If she's never seen the Princess Bride before then you KNOW she's a fucking alien.  You don't have to vibe her to figure that out.

Oh look.  Caught in a chicken noodle soup lie.  You know, this would all be a non-issue if you just told her who Barry is.  I mean, fucking half of Central City knows at this point.  You're trusting CAPTAIN COLD with the knowledge, for god's sake!  But no.  Artificial tension for no reason... yay.

Awww, that's sweet.  Grodd wants a companion Grodd.  Go on, Caitlyn, make that nice Gorilla a friend.  Just give them some lessons on not mind controlling people, or smashing their heads in.

Just saying, might wanna warn a brother before you put his worst enemy's doppelganger into said enemy's suit.  That just seems like common courtesy.

Heh.  I love Cavanagh.  That smile on Hardass's face when Cisco walks away.  It's perfect.

I do not care how far that Gorilla can jump.  Ain't no way he can keep up with a man who can travel through time.  Barry should be strolling, instead of running.

"Cisco's gonna blast him into Earth 2 with his thingamajig."  The mind boggles at the power of Cisco's thingamajig.

So, he trusted her enough to come into the circle.  Why didn't she just tell him to go through the portal?  DO YOU NOT TRUST THE GIANT GORILLA TO BE RATIONAL, CAITLYN?

Oh that's terrible.  It's like they borrowed a writer from Supergirl to write Daddy Flash's lines.  Why?  Why, CW?  Why would you do that?

Oh... oh... oh... HE'S A WEDGED GRODD IN GREAT TIGHTNESS!

Okay, I love Hardass, but can someone please hand that man a hairbrush?

I believe if my son was the fastest man in the world I'd make him give me a piggy back out to my campground, instead of taking the bus.

THAT'S RIGHT, YOUR WOMAN HAS WINGS, BRAH!!!!

Heh, y'all just handed Grodd a kingdom to rule.  Dumbasses.

Okay, so, I have a proposal for an alternate post credit clip:

We pan over the CCPD lab, to find papers scattered everywhere, and Barry and Patty lying (as one does in network television land) under the cautiously draped detritus of their clothing.  They aren't looking at each other, but rather staring at the ceiling, and their faces are extremely awkward.

Patty:  Uh, so...
Barry: Yeah, sooooo...
Patty:  That was...  Fast
Barry winces. 
Fade to black.

A Very Supergirl Thanksgiving

Hah!  Okay, Supergirl officially gets a high five for non-cis-normative standards.

AHHHHH!!!!  I got so distracted by Dean Cain in the first episode, I didn't notice that her foster mom is SUPERGIRL!  HOLY SHIT, THAT IS EXCELLENT CASTING!

Now, I'm feeling like maybe I need to send the show runner a calendar.  Cause maybe they didn't notice, but Thanksgiving is actually next week.

I will forgive SG for being clueless if, every time she asks something dumb, someone reminds her that she has mother-fucking super powers and can eavesdrop if she wants to.

Oh look.  There's the walking, talking plot device that's being used to keep young lovers apart.  Pardon me while I go slam my head into the wall.

Could the writers please make up their mind as to whether or not Alex is an uber-competent agent of an ultra-secret organization, or a neurotic, obsessive older sister? 

Also, could we please have one strong woman on this show that doesn't have a crippling character flaw?  I mean, we've got someone mentally strong, but she's an utter bitch.  We've got someone physically strong, but she's got all the backbone of an extremely timid jellyfish.  And we've got someone knowledgeable, except that every time an emotional situation comes along she goes batshit.  Way to champion strong women, CBS.

WAY TO ENCOURAGE YOUR SISTER TO STAND UP TO HER MOM, KARA.  I mean, sure, she COULD say "Hey, mom, your expectation that I will defend Kara at all costs, up to and including controlling her completely and sacrificing my own personal happiness is stupid.  Get over it."  But no.  It's much better to tell her that you've completely shaped your life around her unrealistic expectations, without acknowledging how dumb they are.

LIGHTNING DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.  Damnit.  I will accept any silly alien nonsense you want to pretend is real, but on this planet we have actual physics, and LIGHTNING DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.  Even assuming Supergirl is ultra-conductive, the energy should have passed into the highly conductive body of the helicopter, not the only semi-conductive body of the human beside her. 

Ah, there we go.  Alex is choosing the path of sanity.  Her mother is still whackadoo, but YAY FOR A SANE RESPONSE!

Is "keep me company while I work on my dissertation" the new code for sex?  It's longer than "coffee" and takes more time to say.  I'm sticking with "coffee."

ELECTRICITY DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.  This is only plausible if she's actually in CONTROL of the electricity she discharges.  Otherwise she'd just ground herself constantly. 

IT WOULD NOT JUMP TO THE NEON SIGN WHEN THERE'S A PERFECTLY CONDUCTIVE PUDDLE RIGHT... Oh for fuck's sake.  Nevermind.  Science is dead.

Holy shit, she can shift between matter and energy without any kind of loss or transformation? 
Nevermind.
Sorry.
I forgot science was dead.

Awkward Turkey!!!!!  That's what I like to have for Thanksgiving.  That, and a lot of the "fun" that Alex is having. 

My favorite time to tell my mother than I'm a secret government agent is over awkward turkey.  It makes everything seem so much more plausible.

Whoa, Momma Danvers is really seriously fucked up, and a bad mother.  Good foster mother, maybe, but TERRIBLE mom.

HAH!  Little Kara does NOT have pierced ears.  I knew it.

Wow.  Live Wire could totally kick SG's ass.  She's got an excellent power (and one that can damage a Kryptonian, I might add), she seems to have a decent idea of tactics, and she's got a lotta rage.  Of course, the show isn't named after her, so her odds are bad, but in a real world cage match my money would be on Leslie.

Isn't the power out in the building?  How is the elevator still working?

Lolz.  I like calling him Agent Mulder.  Not more than I like calling him Sergeant Stick Up His Ass.  But close.

Cat is by far my favorite character on the show.  She is as emotionally complex and interesting as Supergirl is one dimensional and disappointing. 

Oh, I *do* like that cover of Take Me To Church.

THAT WOULD NOT HAVE DONE ANYTHING!!!! SHE CAN JUST TRAVEL THROUGH THE WATER!!! IT'S CONDUCTIVE, YOU GIANT IDIO--

Sigh.  Nevermind.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I'll stop caring that science is dead.

Awww... Win loves you.  Stop pining over the tall handsome man.  He's very handsome, but he's dating that overly-made up plot device.

And here we go.  A full five minutes solid of attempted feels, and yet I feel almost none of them.  Heavy-handed, thy name is Supergirl Writing Staff.

Five bucks says Dean Cain isn't dead.

Lost Girl: Wrapping it all up

Explosive emotional diatribes stemming from affections and hatreds we've never heard of!  Random non-sequitur-rial type plot leaps that just expect us to follow along!  And the most bizarre half-assed bio-metaphysical explanations for things EV-ARH!

(Seriously, so you were in lady form when you banged Tamzin, precisely how did you manage to knock her up again?)

I've had a love-hate relationship with Lost Girl since season one.  I adored the premise of the show.  I was really pleased with the non-hetero centric, non-monogamist centric attitude towards love and sex that were shown throughout the series.  I actually thought a number of the actors were phenomenal, and the occasional bizarre one-off episodes (the time they all body swapped? the three teen Fae?  Bo's trip down the red-brick road?) were pretty well crafted.  All in all, there was a lot there that I really liked.

But it got bogged down by so many things that made my eyebrows go all wonky and try to fly off my face in a combination of surprise and complete shock that anyone would ask us to buy this nonsense.  For one thing, for all that we'd established that Bo basically HAD to bang a substantial portion of the population on a regular basis to keep in fine fettle, the writers imposed this artificial "SHE MUST CHOOSE" situation on the whole Dyson, Lauren, Bo love triangle.  I get that triangles make for good TV, but if you're going to commit to a type of character, specifically one who is, by her very nature, unlikely to be monogamous, then why not let them all have a happy three way?  I mean, for realsies, can I get a show of hand of anyone who would have actually been DISPLEASED by that?

I see zero hands.  Know why?  Because three pretty people getting all frisky together is ALWAYS fun.

For another, it drove me mad when they'd take what seemed like a fairly critical plot point and just SKIP IT.  Or (the close cousin of skipping a critical plot point) JUST PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED.  Like, in one of the early seasons, where Dyson tells Bo he can't feed her anymore if she's going to keep doing what she's doing.  Then, next episode, she's still doing what she's doing, they haven't had any kind of conversation to clear the air, but they are TOTALLY BACK TO BANGING AGAIN!
Or like when Kenzie became a shadow thief.  A what now?  I'm sorry, did that ever get explained?  Oh, it didn't?  Well, alright, I guess we can have a mystical human profession that never really gets fully expl-- WAIT, HOW DID SHE GET TRAINED OVER THE SPACE OF WHAT MUST HAVE BEEN ABOUT TWO DAYS?  HOW IS THAT FUCKING POSSIBLE?
Or like, Bo suddenly decides she's madly in love with this random dude on a train.  I still don't get that one.  Watched every episode, thought about it a lot, still don't get it.

So, anyway, Lost Girl makes me a special type of cranky that I reserve for things that I keep HOPING will finally make that left turn they missed a while back and pull back onto the Awesomeness Highway that was originally their destination.

That is, it DID.  For four and a half seasons.

But somewhere in the bottom ninth, something amazing happened.  It's like the writers finally decided that, if this was gonna be their last seasons, they should probably stop dicking around and start making things better.

Now, don't get me wrong.  There's still some complete nonsense going on up in there.  I'm still really hung up on the need to know the precise physical mechanism by which Hades delivered his magical God-sperm unto Tamzin.  I mean, Tam-tam has been with Bo before.  I think if the Hades-in-Bo-Clothing had suddenly sprouted the appropriate biological mechanism to impregnate a Valkyrie, Tamzin would have noticed that something was not quite right in the state of Denmark.

And honestly, the writers are still doing a shit job at allowing proper time for emotional developments.

But the plot!  Oh my god!  The plot!  It... it...

IT STILL DOESN'T MAKE ANY MOTHER FUCKING SENSE!

But it makes MORE sense.  And I guess, in the end, I'm going to miss waiting for the eternal left turn that will never come.  So I'm not cranky anymore.  Instead I am saying a fond, and somewhat regretful farewell to the well-acted train wreck known as Lost Girl.