X-Men Apocalpyse Soothed My Savage Heart.

SPOILERS.

You have been warned. 

You know, after CA:CW I was feeling pretty cranky about my favorite movie genre.  The movie wanted to be divisive, but they wanted people disagreeing over who was right, not whether or not the movie itself was any good.  When I showed up to see X-Men Apocalypse I was not as giddy with excitement as I normally am for a new comic book flick.  I was a little worried that this franchise would also have succumbed to the terrible urge to make the cinematic universe more important than producing a quality movie that made sense.

I need not have worried.

You guys, I will state up front that the special effects aren't as well blended into the fight scenes.  And there is one completely gratuitous (although totally awesome) Wolverine cameo, just to set up for the next movie.

 Honestly, though, who really minds a gratuitous Wolverine Cameo?

However, barring those two things, X-men is a stellar movie, and it successfully did all the things I am mad at Captain America for not doing.  The motivations are clear and logical.  We don't have to remember something from a few films ago, to piece together a potential rational for a seemingly illogical choice.  It's right there, contained in this film.

This is the part where you sit in the theater and go "No.  No.  Nononono..."

X-men viscerally reminds us why Eric Lehnsherr mistrusts humans.  Why he might side with Apocalypse to destroy the world.

It shows us in a few quick scenes the character of Charles Xavier, and why his students would follow him into hell.

It isn't scared to take some time away from the punching, to show us the emotional motivation for each choice.  Why Mystique is finally willing to go all blue.  Why Magneto turns away from destruction in the end.  Why Storm betrays Apocalypse.

How Jean unleashes the Phoenix.

(Now, I admit to being torn about this.  I prefer the cannon created in 1986, that claims that Jean attained the powers of the Phoenix when she encountered a cosmic being and it inhabited her.  It wasn't part of her natural abilities.  But that was a pretty badass scene all in all, and I kinda loved that they had the girl who was scared of herself save the day, so... I think I'm willing to accept it.)

Story wise it was a stellar movie.  All the plot elements made sense.  Emotionally it was also compelling.  And, frankly, it's got some amaze-balls actors in the lead roles.  Michael Fassbender is one of the actors for whom I have actively gone and sought out his previous work, just so I can watch him more.  And it's not just because he's so pretty, either.  He is incredibly talented as a performer, really phenomenal.  And for all that, I actually think James McAvoy might be even better.  I adore him.  I do not have enough superlatives in my vocabulary for Jame McAvoy, and given how many words I know (as well as my access to a thesaurus) that's saying something.  Honestly, if the two of them filmed a movie that was nothing but Eric and Charles playing chess and discussing philosophy I would watch the hell out of that.

For serious.

Anyway, it was great.  Thank you Team X-Men.  I know Marvel keeps screwing you over, but you're not letting that stop you from making quality films, and I can't tell you how pleased I am.

P.S.  This Quicksilver is so much better.  Just saying.

P.P.S.  If you ship McFassy, you're welcome.

Arrow: Face Palm

Oh, for fuck's sake.  You have got to be kidding me.

You guys, I am all for the idea that together we can achieve anything.  When we stand as one we can topple the colossus, for no one--no matter how mighty--can stand against a million hands that move as one. 

In case it's not clear, I LIKE stories about the combined masses taking down the corrupt overlord.

It's kind of my jam.

And I'm a big fan of powerful speeches.  Just ask my gaming friends.  One time, we played a game where we all role played each other.  My friend who played me took "speechify" as one of her powers.  I shit you not.  This is a thing I am KNOWN for.  I cheered in the theater when I watched Independence Day.  I am literally the last person on earth who would speak ill of an inspirational exhortation.

AND YET--

I feel the strong and compelling urge to slam my face into something hard.

That was the hokiest, most cobbled together, piss poor excuse for a group rally that I have ever seen.  You mean all Oliver needed all along was for Curtis to tell him he was special?  Seriously?  That's it?  And it granted him the magic power to calm a riot (in which most of the participants couldn't even hear him, since he didn't have a loudspeaker) and give a speech which inspired a whole city to--what--CLAP THEIR HANDS AND WISH DARK'S POWERS AWAY?

 You know, I was busy setting this car on fire, but I guess I could take a speech break.

WHAT THE HELL?

And Team Arrow just, I dunno, see the light and pull it together?  Like magic?  The death of Laurel, of Thea's boy toy, the MOTHER-FUCKING NUKE THAT WENT OFF IN A SMALL AMERICAN TOWN, and John's execution of his own damn brother, none of those matter any more!  Cause Oliver made a speech!  So now we're all ready to fight instead of sitting down and crying!

YOU CANNOT JUST SHAKE IT OFF.
YOU ARE NOT TAYLOR SWIFT.

This has pissed me off so much, I'm not even getting INTO the logical inconsistencies (like how come that first missile gets to Star City SO MUCH EARLIER than all the other missiles?)  I'm just sitting here gnashing my teeth over the show's sudden allegiance to the power of positive thinking.  I feel like I need to rend something.  Maybe if I think it hard enough, the script for the show will magically appear in my lap, and I can rend that.

I, for one, am glad Team Arrow left.  If the writers can't figure out how to manage that many characters without completely tanking the plot then they NEEDED to pare down.  I hope this means that next season will be able to be clear and focused, following some solid thematic lines. 

Sorry guys.  I like you.  But you gotta go.

Here's my bucket list for next season, in the hopes that the show will get it's shit together:

1) No more island.  I swear, if you whip out those damn flashbacks one more time I'm gonna stab someone.

 NO ISLAND FLASHBACKS

2) Since they've gone and established Oliver's "schism", they should explore this idea in season five.  Felicity is obviously the Angel on his shoulder.  He needs a Devil, too.  I do NOT want it to be Malcolm Reynolds.  I think it would be great if they cast a woman in this role, but not as a romantic pairing.  Nissa might be a good choice.  Or Talia al Ghul, who does exist in this world (we saw her in LOT).  Ultimately, Oliver should realize that he has to trod a middle path.

 Concept art.
I know, my cut and paste skills are legendary.

3) Olicity needs to reconcile.  This should happen after a mini-arc, in which Felicity has to solve a problem with violence, and for some reason chooses to keep it from Oliver.  She needs to see where he's coming from, and once she understands she can forgive him.  Oliver, in turn, needs to start telling her fucking EVERYTHING.  No more secrets for Mr Queen.  Not until he can be trusted with them again.

4) Last but not least, for the love of god, someone please get Oliver some sleeves.  It's not that much to ask.  He looks silly.

Just admit it was a mistake, and we can all move on.

Anyway, I really hope the writers take their break to think about what they've done, and try to do better next time.  If not, I am afraid Arrow is going to have to join the other shows that I'm not writing about any more.  My momma said if I couldn't say anything nice I shouldn't say anything at all, and I'm afraid we're coming perilously close to that point.

Flash: Mic Drop

I

Can't

Even

But I'm gonna try.

As I was watching this episode, I had in my mind that I would title this one Flash: Picking Up Speed.  Because the truth is I actually think this show is getting better.  It started off happy and funny, and while it has by and large remained sunnier than--say--Arrow, it hasn't been afraid to dabble in the dark side.  Sure, it's done some mind numbingly awful things (I'm looking at you, writers of Caitlin's plot arc) but if you can get past the pseudo science and the blatant disregard for rippling cause and effect when working in time--if you can just look at the character development--the show's turning out to be damn good.  The relationships move you.  You laugh, you cry, you feel for these people.  It's why this season has been so effective, as we watched them struggle with a seemingly unbeatable foe.

It's why the deaths have mattered.  Even if we weren't losing a character we loved, we've cared about the impact on those that were left behind.

Which is why this episode has just ripped my heart out and stomped it on the floor.

It's why I can't even.

Barry just altered everything.  EVERYTHING.  Think about it.  Barry just killed Thawne.  That means that the real Harrison Wells and his wife will never be in a car accident.  Eobard Thawne created the dark matter explosion on purpose to give Barry his powers years before he was supposed to get them in the original time line.  Has the explosion even happened now?  Is that Barry, the one we see in the final moments of the episode, nothing more than a time remnant?  Is he going to fade away? 

Good news, Wells.  You're gonna live.  

Everyone else is toast, though.

Save the scientist, doom the world, I guess.

God, I just realized Cisco and Hardass made that joke... Well played writers.  Nice foreshadowing.

But extrapolate out.  Barry just destroyed his relationship with Joe.  Now he will never be Joe's adopted son.  He obliterated his whole history with Iris.  Gone.  His mother and father are probably alive, yes, that's true, but has he just wiped away Cisco and Caitlin's friendship?  Will the real Wells still hire them both?  Or has he destroyed his entire community?  And what about Zoom?  Barry was the only one who could defeat Zoom, and now that he's not there...  Is Zoom never going to find Earth One?  Will he just terrorize and rule Earth Two?  Have Hardass and Jessie Quick been doomed to a life of fear in their universe?

 These people will no longer be these people.

Barry has wiped away the lives of everyone he loves.  The sheer enormity of what he has done is mind boggling.

And if the show was just using this a reboot--if this was the TV version of the new 52--I could maybe take it in stride.  Then, at least, we would be starting over fresh.  We'd get to see Barry get his powers all over again, and make his friends anew, and fall in love.  It might be nice.  But I doubt that's how they're gonna play it.  I think our Barry--the Barry we know, with all his scars and memories intact--is going to come back to a world that he no longer fits in.  Joe will not know him as a son.  Iris will be living with Eddie.   And Cisco and Caitlin might not even know him.

 He could be coming back to anything.

I am not sure I can take watching that.

Damnit, Flash.  Why'd you have to drop the mic?

Civil War, Part Two: Why You Should Hate This Movie

Okay, before anyone gets cranky:  let me just say that I enjoyed the movie.  That is, I enjoyed the experience of watching the movie.  10/10 would see again.  Okay? 

 I mean, check out those two gorgeous men, being all intense.

Any minute now, my shipping dreams will come true.

Alright.  Now that we got that out of the way...

I am so mad at Civil War.  There are a bunch of reasons, but it boils down to this:

Thematically, I think it was shit.

 I'm seriously having a hard time believing a thing like this exists, but hey.  

Pics.  

I guess it happened.

Lemme 'splain.

For months before this movie came out, people started declaring their allegiance.  I kept insisting that I wasn't going to pick a side based off the trailer, but that didn't leave me blind to the posts that kept flying by.  My friends were all Team Cap, loud and proud, and perhaps that was predictable.  After all, this is the Captain America movie.  You have to assume that he's the protagonist, and that his moral compass will steer true, right?  But there might have been other reasons for their stalwart #teamcap showing.  Some of them, no doubt, had read the comics, and assumed the movie would follow the general outline, and therefore they knew what side they would take.  Others may have just been impressed by Cap's line in the trailer, "I know we're not perfect, but the safest hands are still our own."  It smacks of the rampant individualism that Americans are so hot for.  I should know.  I'm an American, and I freaking loved it.

 'Murica

But... but... but...

It turns out I'm Team Stark.  I suspected it all along, and now that I've seen the movie it's confirmed.  Which is kind of a bad sign for a movie that's about Cap, isn't it?  Let's review the source of my "but"s.

"But" #1:  The movie did NOT follow the comic outline. 

 Learn to plot, movies.

In the comics, the government is pushing for the registration of anyone with powers.  In the movie, the Accords were designed to place a governing body over the Avengers, so they weren't acting completely independently.  Those really aren't the same thing.  The first is an act of discrimination that is only advocated for out of fear.  The second... well, the second is just good sense.  Which leads me to...

"But" #2:  I know.  Nobody likes it.  But Steve was doing the right thing for all the wrong reasons.  See, Cap's line was good, but it wasn't the one that I thought most pertinent to the situation.  Know which one I picked out as most relevant?

"If we can't accept limitations, we're no better than the bad guys."

Yup.  You got it, folks.  That's Tony Stark, taking the moral high ground. 

Now, a friend has pointed out that none of the Avengers should have signed the accords, because they only had three days to look over and discuss an extremely complex document of international law.  I think that's fair.  But I also think the movie didn't show Steve objecting to the time frame.  He didn't say "You know, Tony, you're right.  We should consider something like this, but I want to have a voice in writing the Accords.  I want to negotiate."  He just flat out refused.  And why? 

Because he wants to control his own choices. 

It's understandable, we all have that drive, but it isn't reasonable.  He's asking the world to trust his judgement, to just believe that he'll always make the right choice.  It's frightening, because that's the way despots are created.  And it doesn't matter if Steve just happens to be a benevolent one.  What happens when that power structure is firmly installed, and then gets inhabited by someone other than Steve? 

Oh.  Right.*

Not only that, but it's hypocritical.  Steve wouldn't leave a nuclear bomb in the hands of a random scientist, and just trust them not to set it off.  In fact, he was furious when Tony chose to make Ultron, using his own best judgement without consulting the rest of the team.  Steve wants there to be oversight in the world.  He just doesn't want it to apply to him.  And that's not cool.

But, Jessica, you say, don't you love Batman?  Yes, of course I do.  And yes, I realize he's a vigilante.  But Batman would be the first to admit the dangers of unregulated powers.  That's why he helped form the Justice League, so that (in addition to saving the world) they could also self regulate.  It's also why he has a take-down plan for every member of the JL. 

Superman might be the boy scout, 

but Batman is the one who's really prepared.

He knows that such an extreme amount of power in the hands of individuals is a recipe for disaster.  It's also why Batman doesn't think of himself as being particularly "good."  He is making a choice of the lesser of two evils when he dons the cape to catch bad guys, but he doesn't try to excuse the fact that he's operating outside of the law.  

Why is Captain America, one of our vaunted paragons of law and righteousness, skulking around in the shadows, acting like a vigilante at best, and a terrorist at worst?  There are other ways to refuse what you see as an unjust command!  Civil disobedience is a noble and worthy concept, and I would have stood by him if he'd refused publicly, and taken the consequences.  But instead he said no and then just ran away, hiding from the authorities.

Hmmm... now, who does that remind me of?

Yeah, that seems about right.

But #3: It bugs the crap out of me that this was called Captain America: Civil War instead of just Marvel's Civil War.  Here's why.  This is a complex issue.  I'm Team Stark, but I can still see why you might argue Team Cap.  It's not a simple or straightforward thing when you're discussing the rights of the individual to determine their own path vs. the legitimate restrictions imposed by the state for the safety of all.  There's no one right answer, but there are an awful lot of wrong ones.  If you're going to make a movie like this, you have to be willing to treat that conflict of ideals with all the gravity it deserves.

 A wild example appears.  It's super relevant.

But branding this as a Captain America movie automatically chooses the "right" side for us.  He's the hero.  We know the movie is attempting to portray him as being in the right.  And they do it, in the end, by a cheap fucking gimmick.  Instead of delving into the actual issue, they have Tony go off the deep end when he finds out his parents were murdered.  And I think that's utter bullshit.

Look, Tony isn't really a nice guy.  He's neurotic, and self-absorbed, and he is single-minded to a level that can be (and certainly has been in the past) a danger.  But he's also brilliant, and logical, and has purchased enough therapy to fund a small island economy.  I simply do not believe that he (the Tony Stark we have seen in the Iron Man movies) would go full on death-rage monkey on Bucky, when he knows good and well that the guy was being mind controlled when he killed Mama and Papa Stark.

 Also, really, Tony?  You never suspected your dad--the weapons manufacturer, 

the guy who helped found SHIELD, the giant munitions trump card in America's back pocket--you never suspected he might have been killed?  Never?

Another friend pointed out that they thought Tony lost it because he realized Steve lied to him.  I'm sorry.  I just don't buy that, either.  For one, I don't think Tony is the kind of guy to attack Bucky when he's really mad at Steve.  He's not that cruel.  He might want to punish a person, but he's not going to do it by killing their friend.  That's some next level evil shit.  Also, again, Tony is literally a genius.  He knows that, just a movie ago, he kept something from Cap, and it literally tore apart an entire city and laid waste to countless lives.  He's self-centered, but he's not blind.  He knows he doesn't have any moral high ground, there.

All of which leads up to me saying this:  It doesn't make sense that Tony went crazy at the end and tried to kill Bucky. 

It was just a plot device to make sure that we saw Cap as being 100% morally in the right in the final moments of the movie.  But that's BULLSHIT.  And it wouldn't have been necessary, if this hadn't been branded as a Captain America movie.  They could have just explored the actual conflict and the potential ramifications, and treated all their fans like we were thinking human beings who can handle a world where it doesn't always split easily into good and evil. 

Shades of grey, people.  It's not a naughty word, just because some naughty book co-opted it.

To be clear, though, we would watch that. 

We would watch the HELL out of it.**

So, in conclusion, I'm not actually advocating that you hate this movie.  I mean, it was fun to watch.  But I do think it's time we start demanding more from the film industry.  Just because we like comics doesn't mean we're simplistic.  We don't need to be pandered to.  And we certainly don't need our beloved characters acting in antithesis to their moral code, just so that you can strong-arm in a plot that vaguely resembles a really popular comic arc. 

Do better, studios.  It's a theme I'm coming down hard on these days.  Give me women, give me minorities, and give me honest, thought provoking conflict.  Because airport fight scenes are awesome, but you can do better.

*Art by Greg Land
** Art by Acid Vanity

Civil War, Part One: Why You Should Love This Movie.

The truth is, I'm not a demanding person when it comes to comic book flicks.  I like them to be entertaining.  How they choose to go about fulfilling that role is entirely up to them.  Lots of explosions and fight scenes?  Okay, cool.  In depth plot that really makes you pay attention?  That's cool, too.  Super pretty people being moderately charming and doing a lot of hand to hand combat with their shirts off?  Not gonna lie.  I can get behind that.

Sometimes, though, a movie comes up with something that is truly delightful, and in those rare occasions I like to tip my hat to that effort.  So, here in part one, I'm going to tell you why we should all love Captain America: Civil War.

1) Paul Bettany
Paul Bettany is literally the most charming mother-fucker on the planet.  Seriously.  If you're paying attention, you realize this means I have actually ranked him above David Tennant, which is like saying a Catholic has claimed someone is more holy than the Pope.  I know.  I can't believe I'm saying this, either.  But it's true.  I have proof:

Cover the man in red body paint and put him in a sweater vest... I don't care.  I will watch him do literally anything.

2) The Kiss Reaction
Now, this is not to be confused with the kiss itself.  The kiss itself was totally lame.  Cap and Lady Blonde Girl are very "meh."  Their whole relationship makes me feel like the studio thinks it's important that the audience be invested in Cap's virginity, whereas I do not give two shits about that.  Also, it bugs me that she waits for him to make a move.  Their dialog implies she's been waiting for him to kiss her a long time--why was she waiting?  Why didn't she just go for it?  It's complete nonsense.

 I would much rather have seen this kiss. 

HOWEVER... I am not talking about the kiss.  I am talking about the REACTION to the kiss.  And that was brilliant.  In fact, the whole dynamic between Bucky and Falcon was brilliant.  They should do a buddy cop movie, staring the two of them.  It would be amazing. 

3) The Airport Fight Scene

Yes.  The whole damn scene.  Everything about it.
Young Spidey, with his super ADHD attitude towards epic battles.
The (potentially) hung-over Ant Man, who is huge.  Literally.
And the totes adorbs fight between Natasha and Clint.  Damn I love their friendship.  I honestly wish this whole damn movie had been nothing but that fight scene.

Why?  Well.  Because this was Part One.  Next up?  Part Two.

Spoiler.  It's less positive.

Makeover

You may have noticed that WATK has a new look.  Frankly, I was starting to feel like that Flash/Arrow background was a bit too limited for the scope of what I want to cover.   Let's all broaden our horizons, shall we?

Behold, my new background image.  I'm pleased with it.

Arrow: WHY?

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

YOU BROKE FELICITY!!!!!

 

First her legs.

Then her heart.

Now you broke her soul.

Arrow: Moving On

Okay.  Right.  Laurel's dead.  There's mourning, there's grief, everyone gets to learn a little bit about the weight of guilt that Ollie carries, and Felicity is maybe gonna rejoin the team.  Oliver outed Laurel as the Black Canary--which has got to be the dumbest move in the history of "keeping a secret identity"--and we're all suddenly on team "it's okay to kill a guy if he really deserves it."  Got it.

Yup.

Moving on.

Dear Arrow Writers,  Do try to keep in mind that you have made Lilah the new director of Argus.  In such a circumstance, perhaps it is unwise to show her husband giving her a condescending little speech about her safety, and how he doesn't want her to go home while she's in danger.

Behold.  The dour countenance of a marginalized woman.

Try to remember that it would be acceptable for her to have some of her own agency, or even to have made this decision about her safety and the safety of her daughter all on her own without needing a big strong man to take care of her.
Respectfully,
Me, on behalf of every woman in the world.

Of course, you did smash it out of the park with Felicity.  That scene with her and Oliver is brilliant.  Nice job.

And the cheerful face of a woman in charge of her own damn self.

Hey, John, question...  How come Lilah has to hole up in a moving truck to stay out of Andy's way, but you get to go off like a dumbass all by yourself, without even your armor?  See, this is why it would make more sense if she was being sensible all on her own, because then your reckless actions would look so much less hypocritical and insane.

 And here we have the face of a man about to make very bad decisions.

You know, I'm perpetually curious as to what kind of guns they're using on this show.  No one ever seems to need to reload, unless it's an important plot point or it will look badass.  I realize six-shooters are no longer standard, but still.  They do seem to be able to shoot a ridiculous number of times with no regard for ammo.

Dear make-up crew,
Morning after make-up should either be smudged (from sleeping in what you wore the night before) or so subtle that we can pretend she's not wearing any.  It should NOT look like Thea's face does at this moment.

Raise your hand if you pegged the fact that Fortuna was a woman the moment they showed up in formal wear!  I dunno why, something about the James Bond attire left me positive that it was gonna be a foxy lady.

And then we all rolled our eyes.

Soooo... I'm thinking Oliver can't pass this test.  But Felicity...  Now there's a lady who knows how to draw on the light.  Amiright?

Fan Art by C100D17

HAH!!! THEA'S BOYFRIEND IS EVIL!  WHO CALLED IT?

Childcare tip: When making an escape by motorcycle, wear the baby on your chest so that your Kevlar can protect you both.

Ollie, Ollie, Ollie.  Should have hit him with an explosive round.

Oh, please.  What utter bullshit.  Look, I know.  The show is called Arrow.  But you know what?  Just because the show is named after you doesn't mean you ALWAYS have to be the hero.  Take Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Named for Buffy, the freaking vampire slayer.  And yet, there were times that other characters were the hero.  Even, as the seasons went on, times that other characters were the ones who ultimately saved the world from the Big Bad.  Willow, Xander, Giles, hell... even SPIKE got to be the ultimate savior once.  And the show was stronger because of it, because you knew that even while Buffy was the slayer, she had the rest of the scoobies and they were meeting as equals.

All badass, in their own way.

Oliver wasn't the right character to be the magical light to counteract Dark's darkness.  Felicity was.  And they should have just gone with it.  LET HER BE THE HERO.  Then she and Oliver can meet as equals, and the show (not to mention their currently-on-hiatus-but-destined-to-reignited love) will be stronger.

Felicity, I fucking love you.

"Andy said Genesis was coming."

"I don't think so.  Phil Collins said they'd never tour again."

OMMFG.  If you're going to get Biblical, can you PLEASE get it right?  The flood is the story of Noah.  Genesis is the story of the creation of the world.  And the ridiculous part is that this could have easily been fixed by either naming the protocol "Ark", or if they had just gone with the idea that Dark wants to create his own world out of nothing.  Either one works.  But instead you have done the biblical equivalent of this meme:

You know, I feel bad for Thea, but I gotta say... underground bio-dome.  Pretty cool.

Wow.  I just noticed.

It kinda looks not entirely unlike a giant glowing boob...