SUPERGIRL HAS SEEN THE LIGHT!

Supergirl?  Did you finally remember what you're supposed to be about?

I... I think you did!

I mean first, Hank doesn't just hint at racism, he straight out draws the obvious parallel!  YOU GO HANK!!!!!

Then the president is a woman.  And not just any woman. 

WONDER WOMAN.

 Raise your hand if you're DYING for her to put her fists on her hips.

C'mon, Supergirl.  You're doing so well.  Don't let me down now!

YAS!!!!  Make another dig at Trump!!!

Also... am I blind or is this a romance in the brewing?

I THINK IT MIGHT BE!

Wait... problem... Why is Lynda Carter delivering all her lines like she's Jame T Kirk?  Seriously, she gets about four words in and then pauses.  EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Hel-LO Super Cute Dude who is clearly not the bad guy!

Oooohhhh... And now Lena Luthor wants to have a test for humans, a way to tell the locals from the immigrants, as it were.  YOU ARE ON A ROLL, SUPERGIRL!!!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS!!!!  YAAAAAAAAASSSSSSS!!!!  And the snarky ass old-school reporter comes in for the win!!!  Because the news SHOULD be unbiased!!!  I mean, I'm not, but that's cause I'm not a reporter!!!

Oh, Oh, OH, this is so good!!!  Kara is actually prejudiced herself, against this Daxomite!  IT'S JUST LIKE ZOOTOPIA!!!  Showing the hero as prejudiced helps us understand that we all are, not just bad people!!! IT'S A WONDERFUL THING TO DO!

HAH!  That spin to put out the fire was a Wonder Woman homage if ever I saw one.

WHEEEEEE!!!!  That is definitely a romance in the brewing.  Alex is laying on some serious bedroom eyes.

So's this.  I mean.  Too obvious.

 Two lost ships, colliding in the night.

I got a question, though.  Kara's pod got knocked off course for twelve years.  Where's THIS dude been for 12 years? 

AHAHAHAHA!!!!  SHE CAN'T SEE YOUR OTHER JET, WONDER WOMAN, IT'S INVISIBLE!

oooooooooooooooo... I really want that to be M'gann...

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSS!!!!!!!!

Verdict: Supergirl has finally gotten its shit together.  The day I dreamed of has come.

A Lump of Coal in a Sea of Diamonds

Thank you!  Thank you, Superman.

"See, if the bullets don't work, why the punching?  I've never understood that."

On the one hand, Superman is by far the best character on this show currently (barring, possibly, Win.)  I love him, and I hope he never leaves.  On the other hand, I am a little mad that the only female headed superhero show is currently getting stolen by a male character.

Here's an idea, how about the writers just make the other characters better?

Yes!  Just like this!!! Cat is telling Kara to fix her own shit!  Alex is telling Kara to stop whining and maybe think about someone other than herself for a while!

Win is on a super cheerful, super snarky roll, and I love it.

 Hey, why don't we get silly and take a Geiger counter to the ACTUAL locker room.

In fact, about the only character that isn't really making me happy right now... Is Supergirl.

Can we please, please, PLEASE get a female main character who doesn't spend her time swanning around complaining about how no one understands her?  How she's so lonely?  I'm not asking for a perfect woman.  Just give me one that has less quintessentially feminine problems.  Make her a playgirl with money to burn, or someone with rage issues, or give her a dark haunted past that has made her disconnect from humanity.  MAKE HER A HERO.  Don't make her another insecure girl who just happens to have superpowers.

Make her like Alex.  I mean, Alex doesn't always make the brightest choices--

Really?  You're going on the sting operation with no back-up?

--but you can't deny that she's a hardcore badass.

It's okay, guy.  Waking up makes me homicidal, too.

Instead, I have a dreadful sinking feeling that Kara's gonna end up dating this guy who tried to strangle her the first time they met.

Don't do it, Kara.  Just... don't.

Who's Who of Lucifer

Lucifer is probably the most ridiculous show on television right now.  It makes zero sense.  I mean, imagine every problem you've ever had with a pop culture movie or show where a hundreds of years old vampire just randomly decides he's soul mates with some sixteen year old.  Yeah, that.  Now multiply it by millennia, and imagine that the ancient creature in question is so epically clueless about his own nature that he's oblivious to basic truths that even stupid humans figure out without too much trouble.

Yeah.  Exactly.  It's terrible.

But, here's the thing: I really don't care.  I don't care in the slightest.

Why, you ask?

To answer that, I think I'm gonna have to introduce you properly to the cast.

Let's start with Dan, aka Detective Douche.

Now, we don't really like this guy, mainly because he's a decent, caring father and a kind, non-combative ex-husband, and this show is about hedonism.  But no one can deny that he is damn pretty.  I mean, just look at him.  He's like the platonic ideal of a good guy.

Ugh.  Chloe, aka The Most Boring Foil Ever.

I seriously dislike this character.  She tears my ass with boredom.  But, even with all that.  I cannot deny that she is super pretty.  I don't have to dwell on it, though, so...

Let's move on to Linda, aka Doctor Hottie McHotpants.

I adore Linda.  She's the most insightful character on the show, fully understands her own motivations, and makes good choices.  She's also unashamed of a little romp in the sack and HAVE YOU SEEN HOW HOT SHE IS?

I hope you're noting the theme here.  It's just gonna get better.

Maze, aka Mazikeen, aka Seductress Dominatrix from Actual, Literal Hell.

I adore Maze, too, mainly because she's so very, very unapologetic that she is what she is.  Also... can I draw your attention to the fact that she freaking gorgeous?

Amenadiel. Aka The Brother, aka The Rapidly Falling Angel

On what is otherwise an incredibly vapid show, Amenadiel actually has a compelling and interesting character arc.  It's not featured nearly enough, but he's really worth watching when he's on the screen.  Plus--you knew I was getting to this, didn't you?--HE'S TOTALLY BEAUTIFUL.

Lucifer.  Aka, the Titular Character.  Aka The Most Unrealistically Self-Oblivious Sentient Being Ever to Be Featured As the Star of a Show. 

I am so torn about Lucifer.  On the one hand, he is delightfully hedonistic.  Charmingly wayward.  Blithely unconcerned with puritanical morality, which I appreciate deeply.  That being said, he comes across as so unaware of his own motivations that you have to wonder if he's not at least a little bit stupid.

And yet... SO VERY, VERY PRETTY.

And, finally, as a bonus:

Mother Goddess, aka Charlotte Richards, aka The World's Premier MILF, aka YOUR MOMMA IS A CYLON.

Because the show didn't have enough blindingly gorgeous people wandering around, they decided to toss in one more.  And, just for funsies, they introduced her in a plot line in which, if she dies, she just wakes up in a new body.

HOMAGE TO BSG, METHINKS?

So, anyway, I don't really care that the show is really very dumb.  It doesn't matter in the slightest.  Because I am not there for the deep thought.  I am there for the eye candy, and really, all of you should be, too.

Doing Arrow a Solid

Bro, I'm gonna do you a solid.

I'm gonna rewrite your intro for you.

My name is Oliver Queen.  You can call me Ollie, if you're feeling brazen.

After five seasons, I'm still doing these ridiculous flashbacks.  All my fans can hope is that in season six we'll finally have caught up to the present, and the madness will stop.

Since the costume designers were tired of dressing me in t-shirts, they've written a plot line where I get to be mayor.  And everyone is super pleased, cause I look damn fine in a suit.

By night, they have finally given me some freaking sleeves, so I look less redonkulous.  

I am... the man who likes to do the salmon ladder shirtless.  

 I am... the Green Arrow.

This time, on Arrow...

Someone needs to tell that dude that hockey masks are not appropriate gear for vigilantes on the side of justice.  Friday the 13th saw to that, eternally.

OH MY GOD, IT'S LIKE THEY HEARD ME!!!!  But why is he wearing a suit?

I'm with Felicity.  That is super hot.

Oh look!  Military scenes!  Let's see... there's a crusty old white guy, and some rebels from somewhere European... awesome.  Done.  I know everything I need to know.  Let's go.

HAH!  Apparently they agreed with me, because they just went with "I don't have to tell you the kind of chaos that will ensue if they succeed."  No sir, you do not.  I assume standard issue chaos, sir.

I suddenly had a terrible feeling that John is going to get that poor little boy killed, and this is somehow going to send him back to Star City.  

I imagine the direction for this scene was;

"Now turn and strut." 

Training?  Oh lordy, I think I feel a montage coming on.
Wow, not one, but two, one for each time line we're following.
I can't decide if this makes me like the flashbacks, or hate them more.

Ugh.  This whole middle section is mind numbingly boring.  I am so tired of these people all having the same problems eternally.  Where is the character growth?  It's legitimately like we're back with Season 2 Oliver.  And John?  What is this crap about "trusting the chain of command"? 

HAH!  See!  See!!!! The crusty old white dude is doing something underhanded.  Trusting the chain of command is boneheaded.

Good for you, Curtis.  NEVER LET A MAN TREAT YOU LIKE YOU'RE NOT WORTH HIS TIME.

Oh, the nostalgia.

You know, Felicity's standards for him have dropped so much now that they're not together anymore.  She used to want him to be perfect.  She used to get mad when he proved himself to be fallible.  Now she just seems to accept it and help him through it.  SEE?  CHARACTER GROWTH.

Damn.  I was really hoping I was wrong about that farm boy getting killed.

Uuuuuuuuunnnnnnnhhhhh... BORED NOW.

Can someone do something soon?  Because this is laaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.  Look, writers, if you're gonna try to go for emotional depth, you have to spend more screen time on emotional content.  That's how this works.  Otherwise you've just pasted some motivation on top of a twenty-hour fight scene each season.

Decide what kind of show your making and stick with it, because right now neither the violence nor the emoting is cutting it for me.

The One Where Barry Finally Gets It

YES, YOU SCREWED UP.

NOW STOP FRAKKING AROUND IN THE TIME STREAM, YOU BOOBY-HEAD.

Okay, look, Barry, why not just say to Iris, "Hey, I went back in time, and when I left everything was fine, and now I'm back and you're mad, so I literally have NO IDEA why you're mad at him and it would be great if you told me."  I mean, it's not like they DON'T KNOW YOU TIME TRAVEL.  And you are basically the only person in the world that this excuse works for.

Man, I am loving this Felicity cameo.  Can she please be in all the Flash episodes?

OH MY GOD IT'S DRACO MALFOY!!!!

 Holy shit.  When did he grow up?

Now you can never put the timeline back, because I want him to stay, and be all snarky and English.

AHAHAHAHA!!!!  Barry Allen is pudding, but Felicity is almost as frustrated with him as I am.  I gotta say, though, Grant Gustin does an adorable "Oh my god, what have I done" face.  It's pretty amazing.

 Seriously.  So cute.

Hey, I got a question.  Where are all the father-mugging time wraiths?  I mean, given the way Barry has been bee-bopping through time, shouldn't one or two of them be poking around, being all "Grrr... Argh"?  Or are time wraiths only a thing when they can act in a Deus Ex Machina fashion on a tortured plot snarl?

I want Old Daddy Doppleganger Flash to kick Barry's ass in the biggest verbal set-down of all time, because seriously, he deserves it.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!  DAWSON'S CREEK REFERENCE FOR THE WIN!!!!!!

 Easter Eggs for my generation.

Also, #teamPacey

Thank the heebie jeebies, I think he finally gets it.  Also, that was a super good scene where he tells all of them.  The actors on this show are really quite talented.  Whoever decided to pass over Grant Gustin for the movie was a dumbass.

I don't want Cisco to be mad for forever, though.  He does mad well, and all, but I will really miss all the brilliant one liners.

Speaking of... I need Tom Cavanagh back.  Can we please get a Wells 3.0 or something?

Dude, the comedy of this episode is off the charts.  I'm trying to stop laughing so my kids can go to sleep, but it's real hard.  I mean sure, there are moments of pathos, but most of it is funny as hell.

YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWW!!!!!  Damn I love Cisco!

He really needs some man braids, though.

Man braids, in my humble opinion, are considerably sexier than man buns.

YAAAAAASSSSS!!!!  Omg.  Omg.  Omg.  FLASH SEASON THREE: HOW CAITLIN GOT HER GROOVE BACK.

 Bring on the leather bustier!

Draco has excellent instincts, with the whole not trusting Barry thing.  But he probably makes a house elf run all his lab tests for him, so I can't be sure he's okay.

NOW FOR FUCKS SAKE, DON'T ERASE IT THIS TIME.

Arrow Gets Back to Its Roots

Oh thank god.

Shiny happy Oliver was really starting to bug me.  I'm glad he's back to shooting people on an at will basis.

There just aren't enough villains getting turned into pin cushions in my life.

Awwwwww, he's cranky cause he's all alone.  So sad.  Poor Ollie.  He finally started to like having a scooby-gang and now they're gone.

OH LOOK, A FLASHBACK.
WHERE'S THE SKIP BUTTON?

Wait, wait... I might be willing to watch the flashback if it involves shirtless men grappling with one another.

Hey, what ever happened to the salmon ladder?  We used to see that like, every episode.  What?  Did they think we didn't like it anymore?  I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assure the show runners--if they happen to be paying attention--that we still like it.

We like it a lot.

Why is Oliver living in a delusional fantasy world that everything will work out just because he means well?  Like, work on your own if you want, but stop telling people everything will be fine when the team gets back together.  When people tell you their choices, don't act like those choices aren't valid or real, just because they aren't what you want.
CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE, OLLIE.

THANK YOU, FELICITY.  "It's called not being in denial, you really ought to give it a try."

Yo... WHERE ARE THEA'S PANTS?

 Do you see any pants?  Cause I don't see any pants.

Nary a single pant.

I bet it's awfully breezy.

Okay, this statue is wearing a garter belt.  It also looks nothing like Laurel, but you know, bronze artists aren't what they used to be.  I'd let that slide.  But WHY IS IT WEARING A GARTER BELT?

Oh, FFS.  Apparently it's wearing a garter belt because Laurel's Black Canary Costume HAS A GARTER BELT.  Sarah's didn't, because Sarah was a fighter and FIGHTER'S DON'T NEED TO HOLD UP THEIR STOCKINGS.  But I guess, when they took away the low cut corset, they decided it was really important to sex it up somehow.

 Maybe pick a different angle next time, folks.  Avoid the giant bronze crotch shot.

I'm having a real hard time here, folks.  Because, on the one hand, I wanna yell at Thea to stop being a whiner.  Oh, boo-hoo, you can't have a normal life because you have to go actually make a difference in the world.  How tragic for you.  Now get off your ass and go do something.

BUT... If you take it out of the fantasy setting, this is exactly why people can't escape toxic situations in their own lives.  They always end up going back in just one more time--to help in an emergency, or something--and get sucked back into the same damn trap over and over. So I'm torn.  Do I take it at face value and yell?  Or do I make real world comparisons and hope she sticks to her guns?

I guess it comes down to this: do I think she's running away from a bad situation?  Or is she just running away from herself?

WHOA!  He's back to killing people, too?  I mean, I know he offed Dark, but I didn't think that was opening the floodgates.  Damn, Oliver.  It's like we're back to three seasons ago.

Like Pringles.  Only deadly.

Not just shooting the bad guys, but abandoning the innocent, too?  Oh, Oliver.  Felicity was your sunshine, and now you're walking in darkness, aren't you?

Has anyone else noticed that the farther from the moral high ground Oliver strays, the more eyeliner the make-up artists start using?

And the sidelight is serious.

I notice that Felicity doesn't seem particularly disturbed by the fact that Ollie is killing people again.  I think Dark made her a little bloodthirsty.

Wow, Oliver has some bitchin' new arrows.

Why has Curtis suddenly changed his mind?  I thought he was all like "I'm strictly R&D."  Also, shouldn't Oliver at least ask him if he's sure?  I mean, it IS a deadly hobby...

Hey, look!  It's the mystery bad guy!

 Damn, how many bow weilding bad guys is this now?

Don't super villains use 20th century weapons anymore?

Flash, You Dumbass

So... It took me a week and a half to bring myself to watch the first episode of the new season of Flash.

Partly it's cause I was busy, but partly it's because I am SO ANGRY ABOUT HIS STUPID TIME TRAVELING.

And I probably always will be.

 Your adorability does not make me less cranky.

Look, let's say he works it all out.  That this charmingly awkward conversation with Iris leads to eternal marital bliss.  That his mom and dad are okay, that Ronnie is still alive (by the way, what does this do to the plot in Arrow and Legends of Tomorrow?  Both those shows are heavily affected by the events in the first two seasons of Flash), that Earth Prime Wells still has his wife and they maybe even have a girl named Jessie.  That SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY, Barry has not inexorably FUCKED UP the entire universe by making a gigantic change in his own life, when he is clearly an impactful presence in the time stream.

LET'S SAY ALL THAT IS TRUE.

I cannot imagine the awful pain of having an entire life in your head that no one else remembers.  I cannot imagine the gut wrenching sorrow of having a man you knew as a father look at you like a stranger.  I cannot imagine giving up the friendships that have forged you into the person you are, and all the shared experiences that built those friendships.

 What about THESE GUYS?!

Like, this whole plot line is actually making my heart hurt.  And Barry doesn't seem to care in the slightest.  Which sort of makes me hate him a little bit.  Of course there's joy because his mother is alive, but shouldn't there be pain, too?  Pain for everything that he lost in order to save her?

I think, now that I've seen his little conversation with Thawn, that this timeline is only temporary.  Which is good.  But still.

Damnit, Barry.  Do I need to get Stan Lee to come scream at you for a while?

WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.

OMG.  I do love Optometrist Caitlin, though.

"You just kidnapped this woman."

Oh my god.  And now, just like that, you're gonna put it back?  Like, yes, that's the right call, but shouldn't there be more agony involved in this?

AND THERE WE GO.  SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED WITH IRIS.  YOU FUCKED IT ALL UP.  GOOD JOB.

My irritation over his inability to stay out of the time stream is really of epic proportions.  I mean, it's a great set up for the season and what not, but... SERIOUSLY.  BE A LITTLE LESS STUPID, FLASH.

Okay, okay.  I'm going to accept it.  I'm going to get over the sheer idiocy of mucking about with time, and just let it go, so I can comment on the other stuff about the future episodes.  I just needed to get this out of my system real quick.

*deep breath*

There.  All better.

DUMBASS

Okay.  Almost.

Last Chance Rodeo

Oh my god.

I think I'm enjoying Supergirl.

What black magic is this?

 Smell the scent of a brand new season that doesn't suck.

I mean, it's funny.  I love their blase and totally tongue in cheek intro of the new DEO office.  I actually thought the first glimpse of Clark was very well done.  And that bit about her changing his diapers?  That was genius.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

And it continues!  Alex apparently has a thing for Clark!!!!!  How wonderful.  And there's some underlying tension between him and J'onn--that they DIDN'T just explain away right away!!!

WHO IS WRITING THIS SHOW NOW??!!!??!

They look confused by the change, too.

I mean, everyone's reaction to Clark is starting to irritate me, and I think that's on purpose?  Like, it totally seems intentional, as opposed to all the times other people on the show irritated me when they were trying to be sincere.   But Clark himself is charming as hell.  Where did they get this guy?  He's not as burly as Henry Cavil, but he's perfect.  

AND OH MY GOD... They have given me the face of a woman picture a manage a trios with Clark Kent and Superman.

I am actually holding my breath, hoping they don't fuck this up.

*raises hand*

I need a clarification.  Are we accepting the events in the two most recent Superman movies as cannon for this universe?  Like, is Lex in jail cause Clark and Bruce just put him there after randomly meeting Wonder Woman?  Or is this an alternate universe and Lex is in jail for a whole other reason?  I feel like I need to have this explained, so that I can go on with trying to accept just how great this Superman is, compared to the terrible version of him in Dawn of Justice.

Uh-oh...

Oh-no...

DANGER, DANGER!!!!

Is this episode about work/life balance?  Is it about being a woman who can have it all?

 Excuse me?

OH HELL NO.

I mean, I almost forgive them, for that line from the random civilian about how they're moving back to Gotham.  That was pure gold.

But...  Isn't that a little hypocritical of Superman?  I mean, the DEO is FULL of guns.  Guns which can kill people.  And he doesn't have a problem with that.  Nor does he think all the humans there should walk off the job just cause there are guns involved.  But because it has something that can kill him, all of a sudden it's not cool?

And...  Sigh.  That was so blatant.  SOOOOOO blatant.  "Last year was all about figuring out how to be Supergirl, now I have to figure out how to be Kara."  For serious?  You just decided that we were all too stupid to figure out the plot arc without being told directly?

And...  You're not even going to let James and Kara have ONE hot date before you bust that up?

WHAT THE HELL?

Okay, look... it's greatly improved.  I am unlikely to throw rotten tomatoes at the screen if this is the caliber of episode we can expect this season.  But I'm also unlikely to actually look forward to watching the show.  This is more like... the show I watch when I need to vacuum.  Because sometimes it's actually better if I can't hear what they're saying.

Except for Cat.  I want to hear everything she says.  Twice.  

And cackle madly.

 

It's Fall! Let the Wild Rumpus Begin!!!

Did everyone have a good summer?  I had a good summer.  I went on a road trip, and watched the entire series of Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries--the cheekbones!  The fashion!--and I almost completely failed to melt into a little puddle when the hottest months in recorded history came to visit.  All in all, a stellar season.

But it's fall, and that means I'm back to watching DWTS while I do the dishes, and Lucifer while I bake cakes.  And today... today I got started with the new season of Agents of SHIELD.

Which... has Ghost Rider in it now.

Hello, flaming devil car.

I confess.  I am more than a little confused.

Also this season seems sad and depressing.  The Scoobies have all been split up.  Fitz is making sad puppy dog eyes, and Sky (no, I will not call her Daisy) is running a rogue take down operation.  Oh, and she's back to wearing some VERY gothy make-up.  Mac isn't getting laid, Simmons is busy being a SADIST, and Coulson and May apparently never see each other.

What the hell, y'all?  What is this, Buffy season six?

Anyway, this episode seems like it's definitely headed down the tube of the weird and depress--

OH MY GOD IT'S A WALKING TALKING SEX TOY.

It's a little less depressing, I guess, but a LOT more weird.

Fitz, Fitz, do not--DO NOT.  DO NOT.  YOU WILL REGRET THIS THING, FITZ.

Oh god.  He and Doctor McWhacko are gonna build a fully functioning Android.  Apparently Ultron didn't really make an impression on anyone in the Marvel universe.

Okay, I gotta take a moment...

For three seasons now, Sky has been wearing these low, v-neck t-shirts. First, I would really like to know where these shirts come from, because I want some.  Second, what is she wearing under it?  Y'all know what I'm talking about, right?  It's like the top line of a bra, only, instead of it being a bra, it's a strip of cloth, and then there's more skin below.  Is it some kind of mesh bra?  Is it part of the shirt?  Does she have a rope fetish, and that's a harness of some kind?  I really need to know.  It's driving me crazy.

There!  Right there!  WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THAT STRAPY THING?

Right, okay, now that I've got that out of my system...

Back to this whole Ghost Rider thing.  This... is weird.  I mean, I don't really mind, per se, but it's definitely weird.  Marvel is really going in a whole bunch of directions with their universe, mimicking the comics, and that's great.  Thor brings in the idea of Gods (or aliens so powerful that they could be where our ideas of deities come from), Iron Man has that whole "normal man with a really awesome suit" thing going on, Hulk and Cap are altered by science--I mean, there are lots of options there.  But (in this version at least) they're all specifically not mystical.  In fact, the Thor movies have kind of gone out of their way to banish the idea that the Asgardeans are really Gods.  They heavily play up the "super powerful aliens" angle.

But Ghost Rider?  Ghost Rider is straight up magic.  He's an evil (sometimes demonic) spirit that fuses with a mortal one.  We're talking *souls* here, people.  And to have him appear on Agents of SHIELD, of all places, which has always been a show that burrowed itself deep into the pseudo science and refused to come out and play in the realm of magic, that's a little cray cray.

Oh sure, guys.  I mean, all the supers on this show are the product of genetic manipulation by aliens that has now been triggered by a very specific chemical agent.

But this guy is the devil.

No big thematic different there.

Anyway, it's bizarre, and I am highly skeptical. 

HIGHLY SKEPTICAL.