Who's Who of Lucifer

Lucifer is probably the most ridiculous show on television right now.  It makes zero sense.  I mean, imagine every problem you've ever had with a pop culture movie or show where a hundreds of years old vampire just randomly decides he's soul mates with some sixteen year old.  Yeah, that.  Now multiply it by millennia, and imagine that the ancient creature in question is so epically clueless about his own nature that he's oblivious to basic truths that even stupid humans figure out without too much trouble.

Yeah.  Exactly.  It's terrible.

But, here's the thing: I really don't care.  I don't care in the slightest.

Why, you ask?

To answer that, I think I'm gonna have to introduce you properly to the cast.

Let's start with Dan, aka Detective Douche.

Now, we don't really like this guy, mainly because he's a decent, caring father and a kind, non-combative ex-husband, and this show is about hedonism.  But no one can deny that he is damn pretty.  I mean, just look at him.  He's like the platonic ideal of a good guy.

Ugh.  Chloe, aka The Most Boring Foil Ever.

I seriously dislike this character.  She tears my ass with boredom.  But, even with all that.  I cannot deny that she is super pretty.  I don't have to dwell on it, though, so...

Let's move on to Linda, aka Doctor Hottie McHotpants.

I adore Linda.  She's the most insightful character on the show, fully understands her own motivations, and makes good choices.  She's also unashamed of a little romp in the sack and HAVE YOU SEEN HOW HOT SHE IS?

I hope you're noting the theme here.  It's just gonna get better.

Maze, aka Mazikeen, aka Seductress Dominatrix from Actual, Literal Hell.

I adore Maze, too, mainly because she's so very, very unapologetic that she is what she is.  Also... can I draw your attention to the fact that she freaking gorgeous?

Amenadiel. Aka The Brother, aka The Rapidly Falling Angel

On what is otherwise an incredibly vapid show, Amenadiel actually has a compelling and interesting character arc.  It's not featured nearly enough, but he's really worth watching when he's on the screen.  Plus--you knew I was getting to this, didn't you?--HE'S TOTALLY BEAUTIFUL.

Lucifer.  Aka, the Titular Character.  Aka The Most Unrealistically Self-Oblivious Sentient Being Ever to Be Featured As the Star of a Show. 

I am so torn about Lucifer.  On the one hand, he is delightfully hedonistic.  Charmingly wayward.  Blithely unconcerned with puritanical morality, which I appreciate deeply.  That being said, he comes across as so unaware of his own motivations that you have to wonder if he's not at least a little bit stupid.

And yet... SO VERY, VERY PRETTY.

And, finally, as a bonus:

Mother Goddess, aka Charlotte Richards, aka The World's Premier MILF, aka YOUR MOMMA IS A CYLON.

Because the show didn't have enough blindingly gorgeous people wandering around, they decided to toss in one more.  And, just for funsies, they introduced her in a plot line in which, if she dies, she just wakes up in a new body.

HOMAGE TO BSG, METHINKS?

So, anyway, I don't really care that the show is really very dumb.  It doesn't matter in the slightest.  Because I am not there for the deep thought.  I am there for the eye candy, and really, all of you should be, too.