Supergirl: The One Where Nothing Happens

That's a lovely prayer, and a lovely ritual.  And Non turns out to be a pretty good actor.  Nice delivery, man.

 Bye, Auntie Astra.  We will miss your touching sweetness

 and your utter lack of believable evil.

Siobhan Smyth has an awesome name, but aside from that I hate her.  Lots.  I hate her dress, I hate the fact that she's a suck up, and I hate her pretentious coffee.  I don't want anyone to mistake this for affection for Kara.  It's merely a sense of justice.  No one should bust their ass for years for a brilliant--but wicked--witch and then get brushed aside for some ass-kisser who steals glasses just so she can be the one to find them.

 Look at her.  You hate her, too.  Don't deny it.

Oh my god.  I can't believe I'm about to say this, but...  High five to the writing team for bringing this up.
I'm a big believer in Justice.  And unfortunately when I look at our criminal justice system these days it seems to me that "Truth, Justice, and the American Way" just means "Rich People Walk, Poor People Suffer."  It's led me down the darker path in my soul.  I am, in my heart, a believer in Batman, not the Boy Scout.  Vigilantes and their alley-way courtrooms have come to seem like a common sense approach to a system that allows the guilty to go free, as long as they have the cash to mount a razzle-dazzle defense.  Or even just buy the judge.

Kick his ass, Bats.

Still, I know the slippery slope that engenders.  I understand that there's very little difference between my Dark Knight and the boys in the back rooms of the NSA.  Both are stepping outside the boundaries of the law in a cause they believe is right.  So it's good that, every once in a while, one of the white hat heroes reminds me not to start sewing my own spandex costume.
They are keeping Lord illegally, without trial or due process.  And that's precisely the kind of thing that enrages me when the government does it.  So... I guess I'm gonna have to give my own face a slap, pony up to my personal hypocrisy, and just this once side with the values of the Primary Colored Super Pals.
Supergirl, you have to let Max go.
I won't tell Bruce if you won't.

I am super bored by this, Supergirl.  Your random alien bounty hunter is not increasing my interest.  Please do something purposeful soon, because all this "let's forward all the emotional plots" nonsense is really starting to tear my ass.

Here, have an adorable picture of Winn.  Think of it

as me apologizing for how boring this episode is.

Theeeeere we go.   THIS storyline interests me.  The conflict between locking up someone you know for a fact tried to kill you, because you also know for a fact that the American justice system will never convict him.  THAT is a tension worth exploring.  I would really like it if they spent the entire rest of the season on this little moral conundrum.  I got about nineteen minutes left in this episode, though, so I assume Supergirl will have it all resolved in about eighteen and a half.

Kara...  I don't... I can't...
YOU ARE FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET.  AND YOU CAN DEFLECT THEM WITH YOUR BODY.  WHY WOULD YOU JUST STAND THERE AND LET YOUR SISTER AND THAT COP GET SHOT?  WHAT THE FUCK?

 A visual representation of the precise moment in

time that you completely fucked up.

AND HOW THE FUCK DID HE TAKE KARA?  IS THAT A MAGICAL BEAM OF ROOFIE LIGHT THAT MAKES HER PASS OUT INSTANTLY?  WHAT THE FUCK WRITERS?  DID YOU FORGET SHE HAS SUPER POWERS THIS EPISODE?

Kay, let's run over a wee bit of Kryptonian power lore here.
Yes, Kara gets her powers from the yellow sun, as does Clark.  But the way that works (canonically) is that their cells act as batteries that store the yellow sun radiation.  That's why their powers still work at night, or underground.  The red sun has different radiation, but that radiation shouldn't cancel out the power already stored in their cells.

 See, when Superman died and was resurrected, 

it was explained that his cells can be 

depleted of yellow sun radiation but that 

they can also recharge and store it like...  

Sigh.  

You know what?  Never mind. 

All of which is just my long winded way of saying, for like the umpteen-billionth time, that this is bullshit.

Yup.  There we go.  Resolved the only truly interesting moral conflict with three and a half minutes to spare.  Way to keep it bland, SG.

Flash: Drinking Game, Anyone?

Wow, Hardass is just full of popular answers right now.
Open the breach?  We can't.
Go back home? We can't.
Do something?  Anything?  We can't.
Poor Hardass.  It sucks being the messenger.

Oh good.  I'm so glad we're back to keeping arbitrary secrets.  My life just isn't complete if SOME dumbass isn't keeping a secret for NO GOOD REASON.

Seriously?  They have all of Star Labs, and they can't get that girl a real bed to sleep on?  

That's some ol' bullshit.

Because leaving your whole life behind doesn't suck enough.

Holy shit, Caitlin went from sex kitten in a lab coat to Catholic school girl.  I... have feelings about that.
Lemme 'splain.  No, that will take too long.  Lemme sum up:

There are two ways to dress a character.  You can dress them based on who they are, internally to themselves, or you can dress them based on external perceptions/forces.  Felicity is an excellent example of the former.  Her wardrobe is very clearly defined, style wise.  We've seen her in work clothes, and relaxing clothes, and dress clothes, and even mourning clothes, but they all reflect the same aesthetic.  That's because they reflect who she is, internally.  The only time we've seen Felicity looking different is when we have seen her in the past, when she was internally different, and that was reflected externally.

 Dark Felicity has eyeliner that is ON POINT.

Now, let's talk about Caitlin.  Season one Caitlin had a pretty clearly defined style.  She was hot, sure, but it was definitely scientist hot.  She wore boat necks, button downs, and high-necked, color-blocked sweaters.  She wore pencil skirts, but demure ones.  She wore heels, but not CFM shoes.  That, I feel, was a pretty decent reflection of who Caitlin was as a character.  I totally bought it as a style that was reflective of who she was internally.

 See?  Attractive, but demure.

Season two hasn't been like that at all.  First, they introduced a new love interest.  And, lo and behold, Caitlin went sex kitten overnight.  Her hair got bigger.  Her makeup got heavier.  Her skirts got higher and tighter, and her shirts got deep, plunging necklines.  Is there anything wrong with that, as a style?  No, certainly not.  If that had been Caitlin from the beginning I wouldn't be writing this now.  But to suddenly sexify her, because now she's got a new love interest, that's defining her style based on an external thing.  It's not about her, and who she is.

Caitlin the Sex Kitten

And now you've got her all miss-ish, again.  I mean, she's even more conservative than she was at the beginning of season one.  It's weird, too, because it's not an understandable change.  If they were dressing her in black, or having her wear sweat pants or something, that would make sense.  It would be a reflection of her internal state of mourning.  But this random ultra-preppy version of Caitlin just makes me feel like her wardrobe isn't a reflection of who she is supposed to be, but rather just painting her for the eye of the beholder.  And that pisses me off.

Caitlin the Dowd.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled commentary.

No... no... DO NOT POWER DOWN THE GRID.  WHAT THE FUCK, Y'ALL!!???!

Alright boys and girls and in-betweens, I know what some of you are thinking.  Sure, Flash is achieving greater quality all the time, but that's not what we need.  What we really need is something we can rely on.  Something that always brings us a merry Tuesday, no matter what.  Well, have I got news for you.  It has come to me, in a blinding revelation, the answer to your fervent cry.
The Flash Drinking Game.

Rules to the Flash Drinking Game may be added at any time, but we're going to start with this one:

1) When Cisco makes a relevant movie reference, take a drink.

 "We're gonna need a bigger Flash."

Improvements?  Improvements for the Diggle Helmet?  I am intrigued.

All I wanna know is, how does something THAT FUCKING BIG sneak around a city undetected?

AHAHAHAH!!! I hereby dub this the best moment of the episode:

 "He's fast, John.  Get over it."  

"Never."

Oh Cisco.  YOU HAVE FAILED THIS ARBITRARY SECRET.

RULE NUMBER TWO FOR THE FLASH DRINKING GAME:
2) Take a drink anytime you or anyone watching with you feels compelled to say the following phrase:  Saw that coming.

SAW THAT COMING.

Ummm... I see no reason why Barry's speed should not also translate to an ability to swim at high speeds.  I mean, maybe he can't hold his breath as long, but he should still be able to swim pretty damn fast.

DAMN.  First you make an arbitrary secret for no reason, then you BREAK it for no reason.  WTF. guys?  That's like coming up with a super cool secret handshake and then just showing it to EVERYONE.

Never mind.  I take it back.  It's fine.

Holy shit, y'all, I'm actually a little teary, here.  Grant Gustin officially receives the weeping Jessica award.  Kudos, sir.

I don't know about anyone else, but I find Hardass and his daughter SO HEARTWARMING.  I love them.  I want them never to leave.  Ever.  Someone break their legs so they can't leave.

RULE NUMBER THREE:
3) Every time Hardass gives Cisco shit, take a drink.

"You know Quint dies, right?"

Has it occurred to anyone that Barry is still putting out his normal signal?  Which means, even if they HAVE mimicked him perfectly, Sharkzilla still has two targets to choose between, right?  So, what I'm saying is, Barry should really get the fuck away from the water.

No.  NO.  That is bullshit.  EVEN FOR COMIC BOOKS, THAT IS BULLSHIT.  Barry can run, at the very least, 837 miles an hour.  EIGHT HUNDRED AND THIRTY SEVEN MILES AN HOUR.  The fastest known aquatic animal is the black marlin, which clocks in at around 80 mph.  The fastest known shark is the mako shark, which tops out around 60 mph.  Your saying this random shark hybrid with no evidence of the speed force can swim over ten times faster than the fastest known aquatic animal, and almost fourteen times faster than the fastest shark?  I CALL TOTAL BULLSHIT.

Those are pretty visuals, though.  I'll give 'em that.

Okay, I take it back.  THIS is the best moment of the episode.

 "Yeah, okay, that's kinda freaky." 

"Yeah.  See?  I told ya."

Oh, Barry.  You had such a nice moment early.  Why you gotta sail back to the pure cheese?

SAW THAT COMING!!!!

Everyone drink!

DC TV Musical Crossover EXTRAVAGANZA!!!!

So, some of you may recall a few weeks ago when I got all aflutter because Stephen Amell and John Barrowman had performed Music of the Night together at the Heroes and Villains Con and there was a video.

Posted by Stephen Amell on Saturday, 23 January 2016

Yes, this one.

Really, that was just the beginning of me spending an awful lot of time on what you're about to read.

Within the various DC TV shows--Arrow, Flash, and Supergirl--there are a number of actors who can actually sing.  Some of them are even Broadway stars.  So, being the kind of woman who doesn't really see the point in depriving the world of something so pure and right, I began to fantasize about what a musical cross over episode would be.  Buffy already did the singing and dancing demon.  Grey's Anatomy did the "all of this is a dream by one of the central characters, and yet at the same time it's actually happening" angle.  I had to come up with something new.  A different--yet equally corny--way to shoe horn a musical episode in.

Ready?

Roll credits for Legends of Tomorrow.

We open on the Legends crashing in the ship.  They're screaming about being knocked out of the time vortex, and lights are flashing, and Gideon actually sounds a little flustered.  They crash hard, and we have a slow pan of the team as they shake off the effects.  

SNART:  Well, we've had worse.

HUNTER:  You don't understand, Chronos hit us with a gravity bomb!

SNART: So?

HUNTER:  unbuckling hastily and running over to the console  So... gravity bombs affect the curvature of space, and if they explode within the time vortex they can open portals to other universes.

JACKSON: In English..?

STEIN: In English, I believe the good Captain is saying that we may have been blown through a wormhole between worlds.

HUNTER: Yes.  That's exactly what I'm saying.  Gideon, where are we?

GIDEON:  I have no known data for our location, Captain.

RAY:  Well, that doesn't sound good.

Mick heads for the hatch, and Sara reaches out to grab his arm.

SARA:  Where do you think you're going?

MICK:  No use sitting around here.  I say we find out the old fashioned way.

The whole team slowly looks at each other, and then follows him.

Cut to exterior.

KENDRA:  Wait, this is Central City, 2016... or at least... close enough...  

RAY:  But why does everything look so sparkly?  It's like the whole place is covered in glitter.

SARA: looking horrified as music swells in the background  And why are they... singing?

***

It unfolds that our intrepid heroes have crash-landed in an alternate universe, but not just any alternate universe.  Oh no.  This is a reality where life is a song.  Literally.

IT'S THE MUSICAL-VERSE!!!! 

Since our heroes crash landed in a time ship, natural they draw the attention of all of earth's defenders, at least the one's who are licensed to appear on this show.  In very short order we're treated to the arrival of Green Arrow, Flash, and Supergirl.

 League Assemble!  And prepare for singing.

In this reality, the Justice League is already well on it's way to being formed.  Rip--who is aware of the Justice League from his historical studies--is confused by such an early team-up, but the three newcomers explain it away in our very first musical number:  You Can't Sing Harmony Alone.

Oddly enough, it is a song comprised of three solos and absolutely no harmony.

I vacationed five years on an island in hell
I returned to defend the home I love well
I'm everything that a good hero should be
But alone even I cannot sing harmony

I'm fast, like the wind, like a sound, like the light
I'm charming and funny and hell in a fight
But no matter how fast or how far I may roam
I can't harmonize when I'm singing alone

I can fly and deflect any bullet that shoots
And I fight criminals in my red, high-heeled boots
But harmony needs all of our voices to blend
And every good singer needs a sing-a-long friend

After their big number the three Leaguers decide that they need to speak further with the Legends team, and determine what--if any--threat they pose to this happy musical universe.  They round them up and take them over to the Hall of Justice, where we find Felicity, Cisco, and Winn all working at a massive data station.

 Like this, only in matching spandex.

The Legends greet those they know (Kendra, in particular, is excited to see Cisco) but the three League members give them weird looks and hustle them back into the meeting room.  Clearly the deep relationships in this universe have never developed, because the Leaguers have each other to bond with, and they mostly ignore the sidekicks.  After the others leave, Cisco, Felicity, and Winn sing a song of haunting beauty with three part harmony in a round:  Called to Love a Hero.

I was called to love a hero
Fate tugged on my heart
But now that destined romance
Is breaking me apart
For my hero doesn't see me
And I languish here alone
I cannot leave, and so I stay
Always on my own

Cut from the Hall of Justice to the downtown precinct.  Joe West is a Detective in this universe as well, but he's unused to fighting metas since the League formed so early.  He's unprepared to have Alex Danvers walk in and demand his help in tracking down two villains that are causing all manner of trouble.  When he asks who she is, if she's some kind of government agent or something, she laughs wryly.

ALEX:  I collect bounty on every head I bring in, dead or alive.

JOE:  You're a bounty hunter?  Sorry, Miss Danvers, but I don't turn men in for bounty.

ALEX:  Oh no?  Wait til they're tearing your city apart, then we'll see if you want my help.

JOE:  Maybe you haven't heard, the League is in town.

ALEX:  Oh, I've heard.  But they're not gonna help you with these two.  The guys I'm after are human.

Human, you say?

Joe stares at her as she walks out.  The next number cuts between shots of Alex walking down the street, and Joe wandering around the precinct, as they sing the power rock duet: Standing in Your Shadow.  Alex is addressing Kara, and Joe is singing to Barry, the children who came into their lives and then left them behind in the shadows while they moved on into the sun.

You've grown so tall from the love I gave
You fight for the people, you've got worlds to save
But how could I know, when you started to grow
That one day I'd be left in your shadow?

Cue the guitar solo.

The song ends and we cut to the tunnels beneath the city.  Malcolm Merlin is there, dressed in his guise as the Black Archer, and he has what we recognize as the Earthquake device from Season One of Arrow.

Yaaaaaassss...

MALCOLM:  Now, this is a fine piece of machinery.  I had almost despaired of ever managing to get it running, but then I found you.  

camera pans wide, and we see a bruised and bloodied Harrison Wells lying inside the tunnel.

MALCOLM: You really are a genius, you know that?

WELLS:  If I'm such a genius, why won't you listen to me?  It won't work.

MALCOLM:  Of course it will work!

WELLS:  I don't mean the machine.  I mean your plan.  Bringing down the Hall of Justice is not going to kill the League. You're just going to make them mad.

MALCOLM:  Ah, but there's where I know something you don't, my reluctant conspirator.

WELLS: spits out a mouthful of blood  Oh yeah?  What's that?

MALCOLM:  I don't want them dead.  he looks down at his hand, and we see the ring of Ra's al Ghul on his finger.  You know what they say when you can't beat them.

WELLS: looks at Malcolm in horror.  You crazy bastard.  You want to join them.

 Oh noes.

Cut to black.

This is getting long, isn't it?  Let's speed things up a bit.

Malcolm turns on the earthquake machine, then heads for the Hall of Justice, claiming he has come to help, that he wants to prove his worth to the League.

So majestic.

The Leaguers don't know him, and are content to allow this mysterious Ra's to help them find the machine that is destroying their city.  The Legends, however, are highly skeptical of Malcolm Merlin in any universe, even after he sings his showstopping razzle-dazzle number : Baritones Never Lie.

 It goes something like this.

Still, they follow him to the tunnels, and as they run through the city Alex catches sight of them.  She calls Joe, telling him if he wants to do some good and not just leave it in the hands of the Supers, now's the time.  She and Joe trail the rest of the gang, and they all manage to make it through the tunnels to where the earthquake machine is hiding.

A particularly vicious pulse shakes the foundations of the Hall of Justice, and Felicity, Winn, and Cisco cry out in terror.  Supergirl hears them from across the city, and abandons the others to fly back and rescue the techs.  She gets there just in time to keep them from being crushed by falling debris, and she and Winn share a tender moment.

 Only more tongue.

They reprise You Can't Sing Harmony Alone, and Cisco and Felicity take hope that if Supergirl could notice Winn, maybe someday their Heroes will notice them.

Alex arrives, and helps them all to safety.  When she saw Kara flying off, she rushed to help her sister rather than chasing down a bounty.  The two have a tearful reconciliation on the steps of the Hall of Justice.

Meanwhile, in the tunnels, Malcolm has been setting up Wells, explaining that Harrison is the evil genius who's trying to destroy the city.  Sara is SUPER skeptical, and when Oliver tries to fire an arrow and kill Wells, Sara deflects it.  There's a giant, epic battle in the tunnel between the Legends and the Leaguers, and in the midst of it Barry almost gets shot by a random arrow, but Joe shoves him out of the way.

Watch it, Oliver!

Barry grins up at Joe.

BARRY:  Thanks, Dad.

Then he rushes off to keep fighting, and Joe watches him work with a smile on his face, understanding that Barry has only grown big enough to cast a shadow because Joe helped him to grow, and that this is what parents are supposed to do.

Harrison finally manages to get someone to listen to him.

WELLS:  It's Malcolm, he's setting you up!

RAY:  Yeah, we got that.  Thanks.  Think you could turn the machine off?

WELLS:  Not without my lab, the mechanism is too delicate, I need microscopic control.

RAY:  Well, why didn't you say so?

Ray shrinks down and flies in to shut down the machine, per Harrison's guidance.  Once Wells helps stop the machine, everyone in the League basically realizes that he wasn't the bad guy.  They try to snag Malcolm, but he disappears in the tunnels, with a mocking little ditty: Villains Always Come Back.

Kiss, kiss.

Harrison thanks them, and manages to figure out a way to get them back to their own universe. Everyone shakes hands all around, and they're about to board the ship, when...

BARRY:  Oh, come on.  At least stay for the epic finale number.

RIP:  skeptical What epic finale number?

GIDEON:  This one, sir.

Everyone sings the finale: Everyone Claps for a Kick-line.

Scene.

Legends of Tomorrow: A Minor Soviet Meltdown

Okay, Option 1: Carter will be coming back soon, in a different incarnation.  Option 2: All the people who screened the pilot hated him as much as I did, and now he's NEVER COMING BACK. 

 Not looking good for Khufu.

Dude, faux Cisco is creeping me out.  Like, for serious.  Creeping.  Me. Out.

Oh, Professor.  You know, saying "never" like that is some pretty grandiose mother-fucking hubris for a man who hasn't even taken that many punches in his life.  Let's not promise to withstand all manner of terrible torture when we don't really know what we're talking about, mkay?

I have been BETRAYED.  There is no way in hell an entire fistfight happens without some towels falling off.  WHERE ARE MY NAKED HINEYS?

 I am owed towel slippage.

Oh Jesus-fucking-Christ.  Is Ray trying to make friends with the Russian mob?  Oh, please tell me he is.

I just laughed for like sixty seconds straight.  And when I say "laughed"  I mean, "made a bizarre cackling noise that erupted uncontrollably."

THIS ISN'T HIS FIRST PRISON BREAK

Has anyone else noticed that every single time they do ANYTHING in the past, it keeps making the projections of the future worse?  ANYONE?  BULLER?  Look, kiddos, I think it might be time to pack up your nifty hero suits and GO THE FUCK HOME.  Unless you can stop fucking up so egregiously.

I am so pleased that Mick let Ray get the shit beaten out of him.  I mean, if Ray is going to waltz through Soviet Prison like it's Scout camp, he DEFINITELY needs a wake-up call.

Okay, look... man takes that much of a beating, man is gonna have some body bruising.  I appreciate the offering of fine, fine beefcake, but where are the bruises?  The contusions?  The evidence that--mere hours ago--he was lying out in the year, unconscious?  DID THE MAKE-UP TEAM FORGET?  Did the sight of his well toned abs drive all thought of verisimilitude from their minds?

 I don't see any bruises.  Do you see any bruises?
Better check again, just to be sure.

Free to criticize our government, vote in fair elections, and love whom we choose... We're defining all those things rather loosely there, aren't we Stein?

Lady, you balls-ass crazy.  That is a terrible idea.  Rule #1: Do not experiment on your self.

Rule #2, of course, is never get involved in a land war in Asia.

JUST FUCKING SHOOT HIM.  Will he heal?  Yes.  But will it slow him down?  YES.  SO TAKE THE SHOT.
Oh.  I will accept blowing him up as an acceptable substitute. 

More drinking, less feeling is my new favorite motto.

FUCK YEAH... THE FUTURE!!!!!

Hmmmm... I think that's the Arrow that Barry saw when traveling in the vortex between Earth 1 and 2.  OH THE EXCITEMENT!!!!

Arrow: The Myth of Parental Mojo

Look, I have kids.  They're charming little fuckers, and I have known them literally since the first moment they drew breath.  We have a bond.  It is deep, and abiding, and yes--I would burn the world down rather than let them be truly hurt.  But I raised them.  I cared for them.  I have tended every scraped knee, I have comforted them after every nightmare.  Oliver just met his son.  Spent, what?  Maybe an hour with him?  I do not buy that Oliver loves his unknown gene carrier more than he loves his sister--who he has protected and cared for throughout her entire life--or Felicity, who brought him back from the darkness that held him once he left the island.

I am a mother.  I know what magic makes up the parental mojo.  And it is NOT your DNA.

Damn, Felicity, can you say that a little louder?  I think the guys at the back of the auditorium didn't here you shout out your secret code name.

HOW DOES HE CHANGE CLOTHES SO FAST?

I mean, leather pants do not come on and off quickly.

I know.

Things that are totally not noticeable when you're a paranoid mayoral candidate driving around in a limo:
(1) Women in black leather standing on brightly lit marquees.
(2) Giant military vehicles that are following you.
(3) People wearing hoods and masks on squealing motorcycles flying LITERALLY RIGHT OVER YOU.

Dude.  Dude.  That guy.  THAT HAT.  Holy balls.  You know what happened?  That guy went to the costume trailer to get a suit and saw that hat and was like "Hey, can I wear this?"  and the Costumer was like "No.  Hive bad guys are classy.  They wear suits." and the guy was like "But this HAT.  This hat is CLASSY."  And the Costumer was like "I said NO and I meant NO.  Knock it off about the fucking hat."  And the guy was like "Fine, geez."  But then he snatched the hat when no one was looking, and that's why he's looking all around right now--he's checking to make sure the Costumer isn't coming to take his dank hat.

 Look at him.  All shifty eyed.

"I think of it as a dry run for your wedding."  If anyone ever says that to me when surrounded by that many fuchsia balloons, I may stab them.
Just a little, though.
Not a lot.

OLLIE!!!!  YOU JUST BOLD FACE LIED TO THEA ABOUT HER NEPHEW!
Bad Ollie.  No cookie.

Captain Lance.  You just pointed out how safe you were, because you go to work surrounded by men with guns.  Then you LEFT the guns and went wandering off ALONE in an ABANDONED BUILDING.  WHYYYYYYYYY???!!!???

Oh noes.  And now you done lost your woman, too.  This is very sad.  Although, I gotta say, good for Momma Smoak.  Don't ever let a man lie to you and say it's for your own good.

Oh, Felicity.  I am so disappointed in you.  Don't tell your mother to let a man hide things from her for her own protection.  That is some big ol' white knight bullshit. 

DAMNIT THEA.  WHAT THE FUCK IS IT WITH THE WOMEN GIVING SHITTY ADVICE THIS EPISODE?  Should Ollie tell everyone?  No.  Should he tell Felicity?  HELLS YES. 

Not gonna lie.  I like casual Captain Lance.  He's a hottie.

 Srsly.  Check out those guns.

Damnit, why did he put on a tie to go bomb hunting?  It's not like the bomb cares.  Bring back hottie Lance!

Ahem.  I would like everyone to take note.  Captain Lance is a fast learner.  It only takes him ONE EPISODE to learn that you should just tell the truth to the people you love.  I know some main characters who would do well to learn from his example. 

CURTIS, YOU ARE THE MAN!!!!!!!!

Curtis, I love you.

Damien Dark, you are an evil fucker.   You killed that boy's Momma, didn't you?  Oh, you are in SOOOOOO much trouble.

Damien has entered...

The Danger Zone.

Flash: The Moment We've All Been Waiting For.

My fellow homo sapiens.  The day has finally come.  I hoped for it, I dreamed of it, but at times I doubted it would ever arrive.  It's finally here, and I want you all to rejoice with me.

This... was a good episode.

It was so good that I actually got distracted from my snarky commentary.  Now, the snark is strong with me, so there were still a couple things that made my eye twitch.  That earthquake dude was the worst effing villain ever.  He's so bad, I won't even waste a full "fucking" on him.  And they broadcast the shit out of the fact that Zoom was going to reach through the portal and grab Jay.  Like, bad enough that I actually yelled "JUST GRAB HIM ALREADY, YOU'RE WASTING AIR TIME" at the screen.

But, basically, that's all.  Those were the only things that I really wanted to snark about.  Which is why, for the first time ever, this isn't a play-by-play of Flash.

It's a review of how much awesome there was.

Let's start with Cisco.

My favorite nerd in the world (and, for those of you keeping track, YES this means he ranks above Felicity) is really coming into his own.  He arrives back at Star Labs to find Wells FREAKING OUT, and instead of succumbing to panic, Cisco basically tells him to get a hold of himself.  Then he identifies the solution to their problem (aka Killer Frost), and actually convinces the Caitlyn-Ganger to help them through the clever application of feels.  Cisco is becoming a badass in his own right, and he doesn't even have use of his powers yet.  Honestly, I can't wait to see the fully fledged Vibe.

Can I get an A-men?

The Barry-Ganger.  Oh my god, the Barry-Ganger.  His charming version of dorkiness delights and enraptures me.  His odd form of cowardly bravery reminds me of of the potential for heroism in even the most dedicated of wing-tip lovers.  I love  the Barry-Ganger, and I hope he and Iris a live and long and happy life together.

This guy!!!!  This mystery wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in what must be a very uncomfortable helmet.   Does anyone else think this might actually be Jay Garrick?  Like, the reaction when Barry said "oh yeah, he's safe on my world"...?  Perhaps that is an imposter Jay, and this is the real Jay, and Caitlyn is due for some more heartbreak.  Perhaps this is Earth 2's Flash, and the guy who came through the breach is actually working with Zoom.

 
What's going on here has finally stopped boring me to tears, and that's such a vast improvement that I'm really pleased.  But, you know, that might be because part of me thinks maybe he's using Caitlyn to further his evil plot, which is WAY cooler than the potential that he's just got no game.

This moment, when Harrison Wells gets his baby girl back.  I have made no secret about the fact that I love Hardass, but even if I didn't love him, I still think this moment would be touching AF.

This moment, too, when Killer Frost proves that no matter which world you're in, Caitlyn Snow really isn't one to take shit from a man.

I'm pleased about so many things.  Hardass and Jesse are on the Earth One side of the breach, which bodes well for my second favorite character sticking around another season.  I'm already dreaming of the banter he and Cisco will get up.  And did anyone notice that look between Cisco and Jesse?  No?  Maybe it's just me.  But all I'm saying is, it's not every day you meet a cutie that's as smart as you.  This may be a lucky day for both of them.

Mostly, though, I'm just pleased that this was a really solid episode.  I'd like to give a hearty thanks to the writers of Flash.  Way to finally hit your stride.

Legends of Tomorrow: I Heart the 80's

FUCK YES!!!!  THE EIGHTIES!!!!

I'm so glad someone got Brandon Routh his allergy medication.  No more red eye.

If at any point Snart stops multi-tasking I will be severely disappointed in his character.  I have no desire to see him reform.  I like him the way he is.

Well, that went about like I would have expected for a group of completely unprepared non-professionals when breaking into a highly secure facility.

 I.  Can't.  Even.

I think it's charming that they've gone back to the 80's, and immediately been buried in the mind set that commies are evil.  It's like there's something in the tilt of the planet that's causing paranoia.

IT'S  A BABEL FISH.  JUST CALL IT WHAT IT IS, AND STOP TRYING TO BE CLEVER.

Snart, did you just ask to be boned?  I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE

Why is Chay-ara a crazy, eye ripping fiend?  I mean, aside from the obvious issue that she's lived through more lifetimes than a human mind was designed to withstand.

Shot DOOOOOOOOOOWN in a BLAZE OF GLORY....

Does the Babel Fish translate idioms?  Cause if not, Ray is doing a hell of a job at blowing his cover right now.  Nothing says "hey, check it out, I'm not from around here" then a misused idiom.

Dude.  Dude.  You need to take some lessons is suave from Snart.  Maybe a whole class.

Rip, it isn't often that I'm going to say this but... you need to listen to the neanderthal with a gun.

Wallet count: 2

My delight: infinite.

Oh, what a giant surprise.  Chronos is still alive.  What a shock.

I think I'm gonna have a heart attack and die from not surprise.

I'm not thrilled with the visual of the old white dude schooling the young black man, but I have to admit, I'm with the Professor on this one.  Do the right thing or don't, but don't risk the fate of the world cause you're too whiny to deal.

I cannot begin to tell you how thrilled I am that they're going to break into ANOTHER secret facility.  I can only hope it turns out as well as the Pentagon.

"Hey, guys?  We need a Secret Russian Lab from the 80's.  What do you have?"

"Eh, how about a vaguely industrial space that we splatter with dirt?"

"Does that make sense?"

"No idea."

"Fuck it. Let's just go with it." 

What the fuck, Ray?  Are you angling for being most annoying team member now that Carter is gone?  Like, I was okay with quoting Top Gun but really, this Eagle Scout bullshit is taking it too far.

An impenetrable Soviet Gulag?  HEY!!! I KNOW WHO THEY COULD CALL!!!