The X-files Spoiler Alert: The Truth Is Out There

 Truthfully, I'm not sure why I loved the X-files.  It might be that, like most red-blooded humans, I'm a sucker for unresolved sexual tension, and the chemistry between Mulder and Scully was set on a perpetual smolder.  Or it might be that I have no trouble believing that the government would hide what they know of extraterrestrial life from the population, and the ongoing plot arc of revelations entertained the conspiracy theorist in me.  It might have been that the story of a tiny team striving to find the truth against a colossus of lies appealed to my love of the underdog.  Or it might be simply that everyone loves a good ghost story about the things that go bump in the night, and there is no greater night than the vast blackness of space, where anything might be hiding.

Whatever the reason, I was pretty pumped for the new episodes.  There were little joyful butterflies dancing in my heart as I sat down to watch the first one.

Spoiler alert: 

The butterflies are all dead now.

Don't get me wrong, it was a good episode and I'm definitely going to keep watching the show.  But any burbling excitement I had over the return of the X-files has been subdued by the distinctly uneasy feeling I got from watching it.  The show is good, but it's too spot on for comfort.  Chris Carter isn't pulling any punches with the set up for the show arc.  He's referencing actual national shifts in policy and ideology that are all too real--using the thin veneer of "Alien Conspiracy" to show just how creepy things have gotten in our country since 9/11.  And he's showing us what happens to those who search too hard for the truth.  Scully and Mulder are, each in their own way, much more broken people now than when last we saw them.

With the political situation being what it is, it's hard to judge how the show will be received.  Doubtless some people will write it off as a cleverly constructed conspiracy theory--and it is, it certainly is--but seeing it in only that light ignores the obvious warning that Carter is screaming even in this first episode.

As a nation, we have put ourselves in an unenviable position--slowly giving away our freedoms in the name of safety, and polarizing ourselves to the point where our legislature is almost unable to accomplish anything at all.  We seek our news from bastions of entertainment--ratings hawks that care far more about finding something sensational to say than they do about responsible reporting.  It's not fiction--it is fact--and as a backdrop for a story about deception and fear mongering and control by the elite?  It's chilling.

So, I'm going to be watching X-files.  But I can't say for sure if I'll enjoy it.  I'm sure the Aliens will be great.  It's the non-fiction stuff that's going to be terrifying.

Legends of Tomorrow: Forgetting Physics

So... not to be morbid, but if Chay-ara and Khufu just killed themselves as soon as they regained their memories Savage wouldn't be able to siphon off their life force, and it would put a serious kink in his ability to stay immortal.  Why not just sacrifice yourselves for a few lifetimes, and when he's run out of mystical juice to stay alive then you can live all your future incarnations without fear?  Seems like a sound trade-off to me.

"Forgetting physics for a second--"  Oh, Sara.  You sweet, summer child.  "Forgetting physics" could basically be the subtitle of this show.

OH MY GOD, I HAVE FOUND MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT THIS SHOW.
THE FASHION ROOM.  

The Fashion Room; a plot based reason to treat your female star like a barbie.

Y'all, if you decide you want off this roller coaster because Captain Hunter lied to you, then I can't blame you for that.  But "winging it" with the time stream is a monumentally stupid idea.  I am disappointed in all of you, but especially those of you who are supposed to know something about theoretical physics.

Professor, I agree with Heatwave.  Both that you are a special kind of crazy, and that I like it.

Hey, look!  It's Damien Dark!  That's awesome.  I think it's nice that villains get to have cross-overs, too.

Damnit, Professor.  You were doing so well.  And then you acted like a boneheaded time travel rookie.  So now I'm doing this:

If you would like to know my reaction to the good guys who feel the need to exchange lame dialogue with the bad guy, instead of just grabbing his ass before he can start the countdown on the giant bomb, please feel free to reference the gif above.  It's multi-purpose.

So, we haven't really gotten an explanation of how they went from a human Priestess and a human Prince to people who periodically grow wings, have we?

Holy fucking shit.  Firestorm is badass.  He's so badass I'm not even bitching about the arming and fusing mechanisms for nuclear bombs, and how I don't think they work that way.

So, have we all learned our lesson?  Either trust the man who is used to being careful with his time travel, or don't ride around in his nifty little ship, m'kay?

 This is why we can't have nice things.

OYE!!! SCIENTIST BOYS!  Let's all put away our science dicks and stop waving them at each other.  It doesn't matter whose is longer.  The important thing is that you're both fond of yours, and each of you can respect that.  Right?

Srsly.  Carter.  I don't like you.  And I pretty much don't ever want you to get the girl, cause I think you're an ass.  But I'm gonna offer you a piece of advice anyway.  If you EVER want your mystical soul mate to willingly kiss you, you are gonna have to wait for her to make the first move. 

Wow.  Ray, did you even THINK about consulting with the rest of the B&E team?  Or were you temporarily possessed by the soul of Doug the Dog?

Okay, boys and girls, this is what we call "in party fighting."  If you've ever played an RPG, you know that this is the number one most likely thing to cause your party to completely fail at any objective set forth by the DM. 

See?  The DM got tired of your shit and dropped a cage on you.

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE, PEOPLE, HE TOLD YOU TO WATCH THE DOOR!  Jefferson I get, because he's just a kid, but Sara is supposed to be an uber assassin.  WHAT?  THEY DON'T TEACH YOU TO KEEP A LOOK OUT AT THE NANDA PARBAT ASSASSIN SCHOOL FOR HOTTIES?

Well, at least you managed to get the tracking thingie.  And the pot.

I love Leonard Snart.  That is all.  Carry on.

See, Carter?  I knew you could stop being a self-entitled, vaguely-rapey dillhole if you tried.

Okay, let's see if I've got this right...  Ray drops his tech somewhere in Norway, and that's where Savage picks it up.  Jefferson, Stein, and Sara go to America to find Marty.  We allow them the artistic license to pretend they get there super fast, because they're traveling in a ship from the future.  They steal the tech tracker, and somehow, magically, in all the world, Vandal Savage's mystery science base where Ray's lost tech is being held is close enough to Stein's old college that Marty is able to wake up from being knocked out and--somehow--track them down?  Meanwhile Savage has traveled from Norway, to his secret science base in (presumably) America, and made it back to his home in (potentially?) Russia all in the space of a day? 
This is making my head hurt.

Really?  You're gonna tell him to get off the ship, but you're not going to tell him to go to the freaking party?  FOR SERIOUS?

Well, that is an adorable little toy suit.  I wish they had made it with joints, but it's still pretty cute.

 Phenomenal Cosmic Power.  Itty Bitty Living Space.

Whoa, Carter got stabbed.  I was not expecting that.  I thought they were just going to lose but narrowly escape without suffering any real damage--like you do. 

I do kinda like the twist that Chay-ara is going to have to be the one to kill Savage eventually.  It feels very empowering.

HOLY SHIT!  He actually DIED!  I was REALLY not expecting that. 

I like it, though, as a plot point.  Carter was kind of an asshole.  I've been pretty explicit about that.  This gives us a chance to pick up a new Khufu, from a different time, and have him be different, as a character.

Oh, isn't that nice.  We've decided to try following a plan, so we don't inevitably wreck the time stream.  Awesome.

Of course, if they really want to keep from wrecking the future, they're going to need to consider killing Vandal Savage much closer to 2166.  Otherwise they are going to rewrite huge segments of history in which he participated.  Plus, I just want to see what the fashion room comes up with for 2165.

Arrow: How Felicity Got Her Groove Back

Hey, everybody remember Ray, with that awesome nanotech?  You know--big, tall guy?  Turns into a teeny-tiny hero?  Yeah, well, who bets he can fix Felicity's nerve damage?

Life lesson, kiddos.  If people are coming to kill you, start with the vital information, and then explain why you're passing it on.  If you run out of time, you don't want to be remembered as the jackass who almost managed to save everyone with his critical data.

Don't be this asshole.

Oh, that's right!  I periodically forget that Oliver cooks.  You know, if he weren't imaginary he would be the perfect man.

Damnit.  I don't even want a hamburger.  And yet, somehow, now I do.

It's really hard to buy that Andy and John came from the same genetic material.  I mean, yes, they're both black.  But that's basically the only resemblance.  Their facial features are nothing alike, there's a huge height disparity, they don't move alike, and they don't even have similar speech patterns (which is generally a dead give away in families).  I'm not necessarily criticizing Andy's casting--I like that actor--but from the standpoint of a viewer it's a super hard sell.

OH FUCKING HELL, now we're having Diggle flashbacks, too?  Why?  WHY?  As if that stupid freaking ISLAND wasn't bad enough?

Things Felicity has: a beautiful fireplace.  Things Felicity lacks: the understanding that if you're told to take two pills, you should only take two pills.

HOLY SHIT IT'S DARK FELICITY!!!!  IT'S LIKE THE ARROW GODS KNOW ALL MY SECRET DREAMS AND STRIVE TO MAKE THEM COME TRUE!!!!

 Wow... I'm betting she read a lot of Sandman.

Wait until you're out of the hive of villainy before you discuss the very secret transfer that just happened, K?  I know it's inconvenient to shoot another short scene in the parking lot, but it's how you maintain the illusion that these people are actually competent spies.

Did John just refer to his war experience as "the 'Stan"?  For serious?

"You're my brother, but I'm not built like you!"  That, my dear Andy, is precisely my point.  However, carry on.  We'll just assume your mother dallied with a giant one year, and a petite man the next.  And we will assume it without shame, because ain't nothing wrong with a woman who likes a little variety.

 Look at that.  It's like David and Goliath.

Why doesn't Dark Felicity wear glasses?  Does the fog of poor vision allow her to better see the insecurities of others?

Listen, let's diverge from levity for a minute.  This is a fictional show, where mystical shit happens.  There's like a 50% chance that Felicity is actually hallucinating on her own, and another 50% chance that she's been cursed by Damien Dark, or some shit like that.  Either way, this is a TV show and everything's going to work out.
That being said, people do actually hallucinate in real life.  And sometimes they don't talk about it, because of exactly the reasons Dark Felicity listed during her dual monologue with Oliver.  Because telling people that you're talking to someone no one else can see or hear makes you sound crazy--and being crazy carries a terrible weight of stigma.

People have been trying to break some of the silence surrounding mental illness recently, trying to convince everyone to start talking about these things openly and without shame.  And, whether Felicity is hallucinating or cursed, I hope this plot line hammers home the point that if you're seeing things that aren't there, you should tell someone.  If you can't get out of bed, or you start to feel worthless and like there's no point, you should tell someone.  If you teeter between sobbing and manic joy all the time, you should tell someone.
Mental illness is just that--an illness.  And it's no more shameful than having the flu or pneumonia.  The worst thing that you can do is refuse to tell someone because you're ashamed.  None of us is invulnerable, and there's nothing wrong with realizing your own humanity.

Now... BACK TO THE LEVITY!!!

You know, I seriously was planning on going back to the levity, but these mother-fuckers aren't giving me much to work with.

Oh yes, Oliver, glad you're getting on the "time travel is bad" bandwagon.  I mean, this really isn't your fault, no matter how much of a failed hero complex you enjoy burdening yourself with, but given that you have some influence over Barry maybe you could pop on over to Flash and explain to them that they need to stop playing higglety-pigglty with the TIME STREAM.

Also, this reminds me that you still haven't told her you have a kid, which is totally going to bite you in the ass at the MOST inopportune time.  Like, say, as soon as Felicity can walk again.  That way, when the time comes for her enraged exit, she can storm out the door.

C'mon, guys!  If you're gonna bother to do a dramatic floor shot so you can drop the eye, make the eye look better.  Geez.  Learn to prop.

 Things That Should Be Oozing, But Aren't; Prop Edition

I say Amanda is the worst head of a morally bankrupt organization ever, because her ability to consider alternate intel is the WORST.

You're here for RUBI-CON?  The hacker convention?  What?

So, that's a touching speech, Felicity, and you gave it very well.  But they are gonna have to get some chairs in the Quiver for those times someone needs to get down on your level, cause the booty-tooch Oliver has going on--trying to sit on the edge of that platform--is hella distracting from your moment of inner bravery.

I wonder if the leather pants help keep him from slipping off that narrow perch?

Do you think the reason all the bad guys make their goons wear masks is so that the studio can just hire 20 tall, burly people per season to play all the henchmen?

Amanda, I didn't think it was possible, but I honestly think you just got lower on the list.  So like, there's now the whole list, plus some blank spaces at the bottom, and then you.  The void of nothing is a better covert ops leader than you.  I mean, unless you're TRYING to get John's wife killed. 

Heh.  I guess it isn't an issue anymore.  RIP, worst leader ever.

Dude, Andy, your voice is great but your body language needs a little work.  That pose does not scream "please let me out so we can save your wife."

Actual shot from the moment in question, I swear.

Now, does that man look worried to you?

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  META-JOKE FOR THE WIN!!!!
Though, seriously, Overwatch is a mouthful when you're in a situation where every second counts.  Too bad Barbara Gordon beat you to the whole eye in the sky thing.

So... uh... aside from allowing Felicity a plot moment where she blocks the vault access, how come lil' Dig didn't just grab the gun the first time the bad guy pointed it at John?  Like... why wait?  I know it was important for Felicity to get her groove back and all, but...

That's right.  Felicity is keeping it real.  Amanda Waller.  What a bitch. 
I can't lie.  I'm glad this incarnation is gone, mostly because I miss Amanda Waller how she's supposed to be.

Amanda Waller is dead.

Long live Amanda Waller.

Flash: The Trouble With Timelines

Cisco, I will sip Mai Tais with you anytime.  Please continue to troll Hardass.  It brings me no end of joy.

That was very clever with the wheels!

"I see plays."  OMG.  There is literally nothing that man says that doesn't delight me.

I'd like to take a moment to offer up my sincere appreciation to whoever writes the majority of Cisco's dialogue.  You're doing a bang up job.

Uh, Barry?  You run like, a billion miles an hour.  She could live anywhere on the planet and you could get to her in a relatively short period of time.  It's not really a big deal that she's moving.  You're just being emo.

 Be less emo, Barry.

Iris.  Shame on you.  Yes, he does have to let her leave.  He can, however, choose to stop acting like an injured kitten and put on some big boy pants and offer to make it work.

YAY!!! TIMELINE NONSENSE!!!  Okay, ready?  Here we go!

Hardass's explanation makes zero sense.  Not a single bit.  They didn't KILL Eobard.  They erased his existence by the simple expedient of Eddie killing himself.  For that to work, Eddie's death has to ripple through time and affect everything that comes after, including Eobard's birth.  In essence, by killing himself, Eddie has changed the future that Eobard came from, and that future no longer exists.  Not in this world.  Eobard was never born, and from the moment Eddie killed himself Eobard vanishes. 

With me so far?  Good.

Now, that itself has massive problems.  If Eobard never existed, then none of the things he did as Reverse Flash/Faux Wells (including killing Barry's mother and creating the metas in the first place) could have happened.  Theoretically one of two things should have happened in the moment of Eddie's death.  Either the whole realm of existence should have shifted into one in which Eobard never lived, which would then mean Eddie never needed to kill himself, which would then shift everything back, leaving all of reality caught in a paradoxical time loop forever...  OR, if time actually has a way of repairing and adjusting itself, then reality would have shifted enough to cover the gaps (the simplest method of this actually being to have Eobard be born to a different Thawne, and just be mistaken about Eddie being his ancestor) in which case Eobard wouldn't have died.  Because if you remove his ancestor from the time stream specifically to counteract the effect of his actions, the only alternative to paradox is that he still comes to exist somehow.

And thus, the paradox.

HOWEVER, if we're gonna let ALL THAT GO...

It still doesn't make sense.  Because even if they manage to erase Eobard from the time stream (and remember, this is the ONLY WAY he would have immediately disappeared when Eddie killed himself) and it somehow magically DOES NOT create a massive world ending paradox, then at the very least he has been erased completely.  COMPLETELY.  Because if the future that he comes from is his past, and he's already existed there so he can have a time-line remnant that keeps him present in our current time, then there's no reason for him to have disappeared in the first place when Eddie shot himself.

 This right here?  This is utter bullshit.

What's most frustrating, of course, is that with the whole alternate worlds that are going on, they could easily have explained that this is Eobard from a different world.  Or, alternatively, they could have made it clear that timelines diverge, and that all they had done by killing Eddie in their own timeline was to diverge themselves from another reality in which Reverse Flash won (depressing, I know) and that in places the two time lines still overlap, because the events are identical, which is why Eobard can still appear in this time line.

 What I'm saying is, they should have just said this.

And, finally, on a different note, Barry, don't be a dumbass!  You've already WON.  And you can't stop the events that have already happened without creating a catastrophe!  Just let Eobard go back into the past where he'll get his ass kicked, and you focus on Zoom. 

I find the directorial choice to constantly have the speedsters remove their face masks to be interesting.  On the one hand, it makes no sense, strategically.  But, on the other, it allows the actors to emote properly.

Oye!  You could have stimulated something ELSE that creates dopamine, instead of his fear receptors.  I mean, that's just cruel. 

Cisco, has it occurred to you that you might have seen the future, and not the present?  Like, maybe you could still save her.

YUP!  There we go.  You saw the future.

DAMN RIGHT THOSE GOGGLES ARE GETTING NAMED!

 Scott Summers, eat your heart out.

Oh, look.  Patty figured it out. 

"Maybe you should tell her," says Joe.  Is this hailed as the enlightened and wise judgement that it is? 
I'll give you three guesses.  They should all be NO.

ALLOW ME TO GIVE YOU A BRIEF LESSON IN RISK MANAGEMENT.  You already care about her.  This puts her in danger.  Period.  You cannot stop caring about her, so you're basically hosed there.  Telling her the truth allows her to PREPARE for the danger.  It makes her safer.  YOU ARE BEING STUPID, AND PATERNALISTIC, AND ALSO STUPID. 

Sometimes things are so bad you have to list them twice.

Lolz.  Hardass, do you realize you have now given Cisco the power to see exactly what you're up to?  Also, the FREAKING FUTURE?

Oh, NOW Hardass decides to pay attention to altering the time line.  After Barry's already gone and grabbed the guy who, at some point, has to travel back in time and kill his mom.  Way to be the king of too little, too late, Hardass.

Cisco, did you notice your nose is bleeding?  And, like, do you care?  Because Hardass noticed.  He's winning the cleverness Olympics, and you're not. 

Oh no, Cisco.  I am so disappointed in you.  Have you never watched Bond?  The gloat speech will ALWAYS get you in trouble.  Plus... FOR FUCKS SAKE, MAN, YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS IT IS TO CHANGE TIME.  LEAVE IT ALONE!

 SEE?  NOTHING GOOD EVER COMES FROM THE GLOAT SPEECH!

GASLIGHTING IS BAD, BARRY, AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD.

And OMG, there goes ANOTHER ONE talking to the villain that you should be leaving STRICTLY ALONE!!!

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS POST TO BE SO FULL OF CAPS, BUT YOU GUYS KEEP BEING A LEVEL OF STUPID THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE.

Whoa, Cisco just went incorporeal.

SEE?!  SEE, DAMNIT!!!???!!!  You do NOT fuck with the time line!  It can make people just pop right the fuck of out existence!!

Now, isn't that nice?  Cisco isn't going to suddenly cease to exist because you acted like a dumbass. 

That was a super weird dead end story line about Jay's doppelganger.  Unless Jay is going to die, and they want to set up a chance for Caitlyn to drown her sorrow by banging a guy who looks just like him, only with glasses.  I am cool with basically any plot line that has some substance to it.  Any at all.

 Sigh.

Dear Barry, 
You are needlessly torturing yourself and this is stupid.  Also, that was the dumbest-fuck trap anyone ever fell into, EVER, in all of the history of Superheros revealing their identity in dumb-fuck ways.  For a smart guy, you have the brains of a peacock when dealing with women. 
Sincerely, Me

Supergirl and the Most Awkward First Date Ever

So... Stick with me for a minute...

Time doesn't pass in the phantom zone, right?  I mean, that's why Kara didn't age while she was asleep in her pod, right?  So, that means that every evil villain who has ever been banished to the phantom zone is just there, waiting for the moment when the system fails--when a pod crashes through for two decades and drags a whole prison out with it in its wake, for instance--to be released on the universe again.  Basically, it's like the incarceration equivalent of burying radioactive waste.  It's out of sight, but that shit is still TOTALLY going to fuck you up if anything happens to go wrong.

 Pods.  You never know the trouble they'll cause.

Which makes the Kryptonians like, the least forward thinking society ever.  And I'm including ours in that estimate, so you know how serious I am about this.

Okay, so, I'm kind of assuming that letter she's reading is from Cat to her son, and Kara's gotten a hold of it for some reason... but... WOULDN'T IT BE AWESOME IF SHE HAD A LITTLE HALF KRYPTONIAN LOVE-CHILD STASHED AWAY SOMEWHERE!!!????!!!

It sounds to me like Kara is taking responsibility for Win developing the feels for her.  How do we feel about that, boys and girls?

YES.  JUST LIKE THIS.

You know, under normal circumstances I would be pleased as punch over the appearance of Cat's son, and Kara's obvious attraction to him.  (Yeah, the guy in the coffee shop.  We're all together, right?  That's gotta be Cat's son?  Good.  Onward.)  Because I enjoy encouraging fictional characters to bang, as well as the idea that Kara could become Cat's defacto heir apparent if she became her daughter-in-law.  HOWEVER, under the circumstances, I must protest.  Jeremy Jordan should not have to spend his entire time on this show pining.  It's not right.  He's too pretty to pine.  Just because these other guys are taller shouldn't mean they get all the sweet Kryptonian lovin'.  Therefore, if Kara and Adam Foster are going to become a thing, I demand that Win become their unicorn.

And just like that, Supergirl goes from CBS to Cinemax.

SERIOUSLY?  AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO CARES THAT CAT KEEPS CALLING HER KIRA?  CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL CALLISTA FLOCKHEART HOW TO PRONOUNCE K-A-R-A?

If it takes a dome, let's build a dome?  That sounds familiar.  I can't say I fault the writer's political activism.

WHITE MARTIAN!!!!

Okay, all you new comers to the DC universe, here's a quick lesson in Martian Racial distinctions.  There are White Martians and Green Martians.  The Green Martians (of whom J'onn J'onzz is one) are the peaceful, thoughtful ones.  The White Martians are... not.  

Oh, yeah.  Of course.  The crazy, homicidal alien always runs away instead of finishing off the helpless solitary human.  Clearly the Senator is in on it.

Hank, dude, she's not stopping you from getting the Senator back to headquarters.  She's just ALSO asking for answers.

So, the Senator is a GIANT bitch.  But she has a slammin' suit.  These things are not mutually exclusive.

Uh... bringing fire from the planet's guts?  ALL Martians are susceptible to fire or extreme heat.  ALL of them.  The white ones, too.  If they tried that, they'd fry themselves as well.  DAMNIT WRITERS, JUST CONSIDER RESEARCHING THE CHARACTERS YOU'RE WRITING ABOUT, OKAY?

I stand corrected.  The Senator is NOT in on it, the Senator IS it.

#nofilter

Please, enough with the redundant glowy eyes.  Just because you HAVE a special effects budget doesn't mean you have to use it.

Yes.  Yes, she did say White Martian.  Now, how would she know that?  That's right.  You're getting there.  Any minute now... 

Yep.  There we go.  Of course, the smart money would have been on shooting first, and explaining how you knew later, but then we'd miss this bitchin' fight scene.

Point of order.  White Martians can phase shift, just like Green Martians, which means she wanted to bust a hole in the roof.  'Cause she's just that metal.

Oh, J'onn.  That is a sad story.  Sigh.  I wish heroes were born out of something other than tragedy.

Kara, you gotta take some acting lessons.  People with secret identities need to learn to lie better.

 Most awkward first date ever.

Way to get visceral there, J'onn.  Those are some ferocious put downs, too.  I like it.

I'm just gonna make the observation that if you're dealing with a shapeshifter, you might want some way to verify that the Senator you just found lying on the floor, acting like bait, is, in fact, the real deal.  Just a thought.  Otherwise you might end up with a face full of angry Alien.

Oh, look.  Face full of angry Alien.

What is with these people?  Like, why do they care if he kills the homicidal woman who gloated over her race destroying his?  I mean, I'm not one for casual murder, but it seems to me this is straight up justice.

You know what I wanna do?  Strut.

Look, enjoy your strut, I don't want to ruin the moment, but has it occurred to you that a telepathic alien is literally impossible to hide?  And that she'll be able to feed all the information she has on you to any of her friends that come looking for her?  I mean, if you're not willing to kill her, at least put her in stasis or something.  I know you're Kryptonian, but let's consider effective prisoner management, instead of the "burying radioactive waste" version of things, shall we?

If he's openly proclaimed himself as a father figure, does that mean he and Alex aren't gonna bang?  

HAH!!! OMG!!! THEY DID NOTICE!!!  HOLY SHIT!!!!  Thank you writers for finally addressing this glaring issue of nomenclature.  My humble and eternal thanks.

Kara.  You're a giant dork.  I can't decide if it's appealing or not.

Hey, on the bright side, we're one step closer to a Kara/Adam/Win threesome.

IT'S A SUPERGANGER!!!!  OMG.  Maybe Win can date that one.

Legends of Tomorrow: ROLL CALL!

Everyone ready to meet the new Mousketeers?

Wait, wait, wait...

WHAT?  TIME LORDS?

I knew it was only a matter of time until we had our first DC/Doctor Who crossover.  Now, someone call David Tennant and tell him we need him.

OH MY GOD THAT'S RORY!!!!  OH MY GOD!!!!! 

Okay, look, I know we're all here for Legends of Tomorrow, but let's take a side detour...  Let's say, hypothetically, that after Amy and Rory get stuck back in Old New York they find an ALTERNATE means of time travel--one from which the Weeping Angels cannot feed.  They then proceed to found their own Earth Council of Time Travelers, called the Time Masters (a clear homage to the Time Lords of Gallifrey) and choose to protect the time stream on Earth itself, rather than traveling around the universe.  If the Doctor ever found them it would unravel his own time stream, so rather than risk it they keep themselves well hidden, and take on alternate identities.  Rory, recollecting his time as a Roman Centurion as well as the time he spent searching for Amy, takes a very simple new name.

Captain Hunter.

BOOM.

Legend 001: Rory Williams

Sigh.  Fine.

Captain Rip Hunter.

Hey, it's Gideon!  Is every AI known as Gideon?  Or is Eobard Thawne around here somewhere?

 Legend 002: Ray Palmer

The Atom

Ray Palmer:  Billionaire, Mega Genius, and all-round hottie.  I'm super pleased this show will ALSO have it's resident salmon ladder expert.  Now we just need someone to drool over him, and make unintentional entendre, and my joy will be complete.

HEY!  How about that person is me?  I'm just saying, I don't have a lot of free time, but I'm willing to take one for the team...

Oh Ollie, I love you.  "Oh, you can take them.  They have guns.  You have a super suit."  

YAAAAY!  Sara Lance!  Not one, but TWO salmon ladder experts!  Oh, dear God, please let them have a race someday.  Please.  Please.  It would be magically delicious.

Legend 003: Sara Lance

White Canary

Any woman who can take down an asshole with a shot glass is someone I want to party with.

Hey, check it out!!!  It's everyone's favorite super powered split-personality.  

Legend 004: Jefferson Jackson and Legend 005: Martin Stein

Firestorm 

Well, they're officially getting along LESS well than the last time we saw them.  Also, I'm not actually sure if they're the fourth and fifth members of the team, or just the fourth, since... well... yeah.  You get it.

Ah, the sweet sound of softly beating wings and childish bickering.  Time for the ancient lovers to hit the scene.

Legend 006: Kendra Saunders

Hawkgirl

Yeah.  I'm listing her first, and separately.  Why?  Cause she's a lovely person, and I really, REALLY dislike her reincarnated soul-mate.

Speaking of which...

 Legend 007: Dickhead McGoo

AKA Carter Hall

Hawkman

Look, I get that we're taking these classic superheroes from some very old comics, but can we take a minute to just ruminate on the fact that he gets to be a MAN and she has to be a GIRL?  And can we just be cranky about that?  Then can we all sweetly write the network and ask that Kendra offer to castrate the next person who calls her Hawkgirl?  I feel like it would be a big step forward for all the winged ladies out there.

Finally, because not ALL legends are the heroic types...

Legend 008: Leonard Snart and Legend 009: Mick Rory

Captain Cold and Heat Wave

To be clear, I'm not done shipping for a Snart/Allen love story, especially now that Patty is going back to school.  But I'm cool with watching Captain Cold swan around being glorious in this venue for a while.

Oh good lord, this dialogue is... is...

IS BRILLIANT!!!

Fellow lovers of comics rejoice, for this is what dreams are made of right here, people!  Unabashed melodrama and one-liners that come together seamlessly to paint something riveting, and larger than life.

Of course, now that I've gotten my hopes up I do hope they don't let me down.

Sigh.  *facepalm*  You've got one card with the address, and you hand it to the old white guy.  Of course.

Guys, I appreciate the attempt at reality--*snerk* sorry, I had to stop to giggle for a minute--but Ray Palmer is a fine, fine man.  Did you have to give him a costume that turned him into a giant metallic blob?

I offer you this side-by-side comparison.

This is what we call being betrayed by the costume department.

 

Also, do we think Brandon Routh might be allergic to something on set?  His eyes are so red they're making ME itch.

Does it disturb anyone else that their team is being led by a guy who could easily start to be known as Rest In Peace Hunter?  No?  Just me?

You know what has never been a very compelling argument for me?  A guy telling me not to worry, he just knows better than I do.  And then telling me that I can choose for myself, as long as I can beat him in single combat.  I can't really say why, but for some reason that's always rubbed me the wrong way.  She better kick his ass.

Wait, Laurel can't believe they're talking about time travel like it's real?  As opposed to meta-humans, a dude who can suck people's life force out, reincarnated hawk people, and raising her zombie sister from the dead?  Right.  But it's time travel that's hard to believe.

I believe Snart wants to steal things through history.  I don't believe that's his only motivation.  He's just shown way too many decent instincts on Flash.  Besides, when his sister finally seduces Cisco and they have a super-smart, super-amoral baby he'll have a little nibling to care about, and will he want them to have to suffer through Vandal Savage's reign of terror?  No he will not.  

NOT COOL, PROFESSOR STEIN!!!  Even Carter wasn't so much of a dick as to just drug Kendra and drag her there.  How are you gonna get Jackson to go along with it, anyway?  I mean, in case you've forgotten, he's the one who actually controls the body.  I'm fascinated to find out how you think this is going to work.

Seriously?  She lost?  Fuck you, writers.  Bite me.

Oh, that's nice.  His time ship has camouflage.  Ten bucks says at some point in the series the holographic projector breaks and it gets stuck looking like something that almost, but not quite resembles a police box.

Awwww, look how excited Ray is to see the time ship!

It's nice that they have precisely the right number of seats.  And by "nice," what I really mean is... wouldn't it be cool if the seats were arranged in a hexagon around the core, with two seats per set, for a grand total of 12 spaces?  Not only would that give them space for other passengers (never know when they might need space for a crossover, amiright?) but it would also give them space to move around and change position as the season progresses and they feel differently about each other.  Last, but most certainly not least, instead of leaving them with one Captain's Chair and eight clearly subordinate positions, it would imply that the future has a sense of egalitarianism that the present lacks.

Hey, what happens if they merge into Firestorm while actively engaged in a temporal transfer?

Whassap, Chronos?  What's that?  You're tracking down Hunter?  Hmmm...  Hey, raise your hand if you think Hunter actually stole the ship and is setting out to clean up the time stream all on his own?

Just like your hero, the Doctor, huh, Rory?

 For "unknown causes" read "we time snatched him and got him killed and then dumped the body back in the university so no one would know."  You know, that's really gonna be a problem, because if they've already affected the time stream it means they've already tried to stop Savage, and failed.  Cause, you know, he's still swanning around in 2166, handing out very severe punishments for schoolyard infractions.  (You thought I had forgotten the spitter, didn't you?)  Ergo, nothing has changed. 

Look on the bright side, y'all, you're going to be subjected to my ruminations about time and possibilities, but there's a decent chance I'll stop screaming about how physics doesn't work that way, because--having accepted time travel--it would be a little hypocritical at this point.

Yes, Professor, Jefferson is mad at you.  People get that way when you remove their autonomy.  Honestly I'm surprised Kendra hasn't kicked Carter in the balls yet.

Carter, what the fuck does that mean?  Believe you yet?  She threw herself off a damn building already because she believed you.  She had visions of the past that helped you defeat Savage the last time.  She sprouts GIANT FREAKING HAWK WINGS OUT OF HER BACK.  Just cause she doesn't have all the memories you have doesn't mean she doesn't believe you.  

BE LESS OF A DICK.

Oh for fuck's sake.  You're gonna try to make reincarnation and immortality scientific?  You guys... just let it go.  You wrote a dead girl onto the show.  You've lost your science cred.

They have a baby!!!! 

AND HE'S ABOUT TO DIE!!!!

SOMEONE SAVE HIM!!!

 Time Traveler Bucket List:  Start a bar fight in every era.

Okay, it's official.  The three wild cards are definitely my favorite Legends.  

Finally, Carter says something that doesn't make me want to kill him.  That's right!  You go get your baby!

Ahahahahah!!!!  They're having a shoot out!  In a field!  With old, rusty farm equipment!!! OMG, it's a WESTERN!

BAD GUYS TO THE RESCUE!!!!  See, they're your favorite, too, aren't they?

Ray and the Professor have a hilarious relationship.  I hope it never changes.

Those are lovely lines of parallel fire y'all are laying down, 

but have you considered actually aiming at the bad guy?

He's doing repairs.  I will give a billion imaginary dollars to anyone who can make him pull out a sonic screwdriver.


We interrupt this review to focus for a moment on costuming.  Folks, I try not to get too up in arms about the double standard when it comes to costuming.  In all honesty, I think Arrow and Flash do a decent job of keeping the ladies from being as sexualized as their comic book counterparts.  (It's true.  Take a look at the original Black Canary.)  But sometimes a moment comes when I just have to cry out on behalf of my sisters of the silver screen, and say "Damn, costumers, can we be a little kinder?"

Not seeing it?  Lemme zoom in there, for ya.

My boobs hurt just looking at this.

Oh, no.  The little spitter is Hunter's.  

Oh, this scene is sad.

Now I'm sad.

So many of them are continuing on for good reasons that are true to their hearts.  Even Heatwave.  I mean, he's not lying.  He does like killing people.  But Ray seems oddly hung up on being famous, and I'm not sure that's healthy.

Legend 010: Vandal Savage

The Big Bad

So, Legends of Tomorrow?  It's got potential.  Serious potential.  Ensemble casts that are this large can really make (or break) a show, so it depends on how the writers handle it.  But I'm optimistic.

Plus, at this point I have to keep watching.  You know.  Just in case Rory ever pulls a Sonic Screwdriver.

OH HOLY SHIT, Y'ALL, ARROW CAN SING!

There might be times, in all of my copious commentary, that you begin to believe that I do not like these shows.

Okay.  Well.  If we're talking about Supergirl that might be true.

But for the rest of them, it's not true in the slightest.  Production and performance are things that are important to me, and I can't help critiquing.  In my soul, however--in the deepest reservoir of my heart--I truly love these shows, and I adore the people who make them happen.

Which brings us to this video.

Posted by Stephen Amell on Saturday, 23 January 2016

This is the best thing I've ever seen.  I squee'd continuously for four minutes as I watched it, and then took a breath and squee'd some more. 

Stephen Amell can sing!!!!!  Did you know?!?!?! 

I didn't know! 

And John Barrowman loves him!  Which is just too precious.  Literally, there is nothing about this video that I don't like.

My only regret is that this happened, and I was not there.  I mean, these are clearly my people.  I belong with them, fan-girling it up in the crowd.

Sigh.  Maybe someday.

Arrow: The One Where I Get Derailed About Hamburgers

Now, where was I?

Oh, right...

no, no, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOO!

 Oh, the sadness...

Okay, so, since it can't possibly be Felicity, who else would Oliver react that way for?  It has to be a woman, because Oliver is a good old-fashioned sexist who doesn't like it when men die, but also doesn't take it all that personally.  So... a woman.  One he knows, and cares about.  And Speedy--as a character--is far too much a part of the greater Arrow world for Thea to be the one who bites it.  So is Black Canary.  And White Canary is slated to be part of a spin-off.  Who does that leave us?  My money is on Felicity's mom.  I mean, it could be John's wife, but I don't think so.  I think Oliver's perky new mother-in-law is going to be the latest in the long line of "women who die to give Oliver purpose." 

Sorry, Captain Lance. 

Oliver, you jackass.  Go see your woman before she goes under the knife.

And we're BACK on the Island.  I'm just gonna take a little nap.  Someone wake me up when it's over.

WHAT?  I thought he was bailing on seeing her cause she was still unconscious.  She's AWAKE?  And you're gonna STAY THERE?  Oh my god, Oliver, if you were a real person I would slap you upside the head until you got some sense knocked into you.

Oh, that's cold, Oliver.  Send a man down to beat his own brother into talking?  I mean, no matter how much of a dick the brother's being... That's still cold.

Laurel, you gotta do me a favor.  You gotta eat a hamburger--maybe four or five hamburgers--and then go do some squats.  Because you have the skinniest damn legs I have ever seen on anyone, in my entire life, and if you actually tried to kick someone with one of those matchsticks they would BREAK RIGHT OFF.  Ain't no one gonna believe you actually kick ass with those things. 

 Not inspiring confidence in your roundhouse.

Look, I'm not trying to body-hate on any woman.  But this girl has gotten seriously skinny since Season 1, and it isn't healthy, nor is it a good role model for the girls who watch this show.  I aim to always be lighthearted and whatnot,  but every once in a while you gotta make a point:  Yon actress needs to eat more, and if there's a disorder in play then she needs treatment.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled nonsense.

You know, John, they have some remarkable drugs now.  Some of which will make you babble your head off.  You might try giving him some of those.  I mean, if the punching him thing starts to get old.

Has anyone else noticed that when Thea gets upset, she talks with her mouth closed the whole time?  Like, the whole time.  It's remarkable the enunciation she gets without ever parting her teeth.

Oh my god, Laurel was reasonable about the whole parental relationship thing!  It's like she temporarily joined another show, one where people are adult and reasonable about things.

HAH!  Hidden machine guns in the walls.  That was classic.  Very comic-y.  I like it.

Awww... that evil, creepy guy has a crush on Thea.  How sweet.  

Oh, Oliver... Oh no.  Machen is going to kill someone, and it's going to be on your head, because you let him go. 

Hey, Laurel, how come you only remember you're a lawyer part of the time?  Like, Oliver holding Machen: "Oh no!  Don't hold a man against his will for a personal vendetta!"  But, you know, running around beating the shit out of people while wearing black leather is just cooooooool.

Still really hoping we find out the Campaign Manager is working for Dark. 

Felicity is shockingly pretty in her "sick in a hospital bed" make-up. 

It's kind of absurd, actually.

Whoa.  That got dark real fast.  I'm not sure I'm comfortable when small children get used as plot devices.  

How come Thea can kick his ass on her own when she's pissed off, but when she's calm she and Oliver can't take him together?  It can't just be that fancy stick he has.  It's not THAT fancy.

Come ON people!  Does NO ONE ever consider just knocking the bad guy out?  Or restraining him with something more resilient than what appears, from the ease of cutting, to be butcher's twine?  THEY ARE VILLAINS, THEY ARE GOING TO TRY TO ESCAPE!  Let's all think about planning ahead next time, shall we?

AhahahahaHAHAHAHAH!  John goes to play make-up cards with his brother, and then he cheats!  Lolz.

I know I don't normally say this, but... DAMMIT, THEA, DON'T KISS HIM!!!  HE'S GONNA TURN OUT TO BE A BAD GUY!

Not looking good for Momma Smoak.

Oooooh... Look at Felicity getting all blood lusty.  Next she's gonna start practicing magic and flaying people, and we'll all enjoy it with horrified glee.