Wait, wait, wait...
WHAT? TIME LORDS?
I knew it was only a matter of time until we had our first DC/Doctor Who crossover. Now, someone call David Tennant and tell him we need him.
OH MY GOD THAT'S RORY!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!
Okay, look, I know we're all here for Legends of Tomorrow, but let's take a side detour... Let's say, hypothetically, that after Amy and Rory get stuck back in Old New York they find an ALTERNATE means of time travel--one from which the Weeping Angels cannot feed. They then proceed to found their own Earth Council of Time Travelers, called the Time Masters (a clear homage to the Time Lords of Gallifrey) and choose to protect the time stream on Earth itself, rather than traveling around the universe. If the Doctor ever found them it would unravel his own time stream, so rather than risk it they keep themselves well hidden, and take on alternate identities. Rory, recollecting his time as a Roman Centurion as well as the time he spent searching for Amy, takes a very simple new name.
Captain Hunter.
BOOM.
Legend 001: Rory Williams
Sigh. Fine.
Captain Rip Hunter.
Hey, it's Gideon! Is every AI known as Gideon? Or is Eobard Thawne around here somewhere?
Legend 002: Ray Palmer
The Atom
Ray Palmer: Billionaire, Mega Genius, and all-round hottie. I'm super pleased this show will ALSO have it's resident salmon ladder expert. Now we just need someone to drool over him, and make unintentional entendre, and my joy will be complete.
HEY! How about that person is me? I'm just saying, I don't have a lot of free time, but I'm willing to take one for the team...
Oh Ollie, I love you. "Oh, you can take them. They have guns. You have a super suit."
YAAAAY! Sara Lance! Not one, but TWO salmon ladder experts! Oh, dear God, please let them have a race someday. Please. Please. It would be magically delicious.
Legend 003: Sara Lance
White Canary
Any woman who can take down an asshole with a shot glass is someone I want to party with.
Hey, check it out!!! It's everyone's favorite super powered split-personality.
Legend 004: Jefferson Jackson and Legend 005: Martin Stein
Firestorm
Well, they're officially getting along LESS well than the last time we saw them. Also, I'm not actually sure if they're the fourth and fifth members of the team, or just the fourth, since... well... yeah. You get it.
Ah, the sweet sound of softly beating wings and childish bickering. Time for the ancient lovers to hit the scene.
Legend 006: Kendra Saunders
Hawkgirl
Yeah. I'm listing her first, and separately. Why? Cause she's a lovely person, and I really, REALLY dislike her reincarnated soul-mate.
Speaking of which...
Legend 007: Dickhead McGoo
AKA Carter Hall
Hawkman
Look, I get that we're taking these classic superheroes from some very old comics, but can we take a minute to just ruminate on the fact that he gets to be a MAN and she has to be a GIRL? And can we just be cranky about that? Then can we all sweetly write the network and ask that Kendra offer to castrate the next person who calls her Hawkgirl? I feel like it would be a big step forward for all the winged ladies out there.
Finally, because not ALL legends are the heroic types...
Legend 008: Leonard Snart and Legend 009: Mick Rory
Captain Cold and Heat Wave
To be clear, I'm not done shipping for a Snart/Allen love story, especially now that Patty is going back to school. But I'm cool with watching Captain Cold swan around being glorious in this venue for a while.
Oh good lord, this dialogue is... is...
IS BRILLIANT!!!
Fellow lovers of comics rejoice, for this is what dreams are made of right here, people! Unabashed melodrama and one-liners that come together seamlessly to paint something riveting, and larger than life.
Of course, now that I've gotten my hopes up I do hope they don't let me down.
Sigh. *facepalm* You've got one card with the address, and you hand it to the old white guy. Of course.
Guys, I appreciate the attempt at reality--*snerk* sorry, I had to stop to giggle for a minute--but Ray Palmer is a fine, fine man. Did you have to give him a costume that turned him into a giant metallic blob?
I offer you this side-by-side comparison.
This is what we call being betrayed by the costume department.
Does it disturb anyone else that their team is being led by a guy who could easily start to be known as Rest In Peace Hunter? No? Just me?
You know what has never been a very compelling argument for me? A guy telling me not to worry, he just knows better than I do. And then telling me that I can choose for myself, as long as I can beat him in single combat. I can't really say why, but for some reason that's always rubbed me the wrong way. She better kick his ass.
Wait, Laurel can't believe they're talking about time travel like it's real? As opposed to meta-humans, a dude who can suck people's life force out, reincarnated hawk people, and raising her zombie sister from the dead? Right. But it's time travel that's hard to believe.
I believe Snart wants to steal things through history. I don't believe that's his only motivation. He's just shown way too many decent instincts on Flash. Besides, when his sister finally seduces Cisco and they have a super-smart, super-amoral baby he'll have a little nibling to care about, and will he want them to have to suffer through Vandal Savage's reign of terror? No he will not.
NOT COOL, PROFESSOR STEIN!!! Even Carter wasn't so much of a dick as to just drug Kendra and drag her there. How are you gonna get Jackson to go along with it, anyway? I mean, in case you've forgotten, he's the one who actually controls the body. I'm fascinated to find out how you think this is going to work.
Seriously? She lost? Fuck you, writers. Bite me.
Oh, that's nice. His time ship has camouflage. Ten bucks says at some point in the series the holographic projector breaks and it gets stuck looking like something that almost, but not quite resembles a police box.
It's nice that they have precisely the right number of seats. And by "nice," what I really mean is... wouldn't it be cool if the seats were arranged in a hexagon around the core, with two seats per set, for a grand total of 12 spaces? Not only would that give them space for other passengers (never know when they might need space for a crossover, amiright?) but it would also give them space to move around and change position as the season progresses and they feel differently about each other. Last, but most certainly not least, instead of leaving them with one Captain's Chair and eight clearly subordinate positions, it would imply that the future has a sense of egalitarianism that the present lacks.
Hey, what happens if they merge into Firestorm while actively engaged in a temporal transfer?
Whassap, Chronos? What's that? You're tracking down Hunter? Hmmm... Hey, raise your hand if you think Hunter actually stole the ship and is setting out to clean up the time stream all on his own?
Just like your hero, the Doctor, huh, Rory?
For "unknown causes" read "we time snatched him and got him killed and then dumped the body back in the university so no one would know." You know, that's really gonna be a problem, because if they've already affected the time stream it means they've already tried to stop Savage, and failed. Cause, you know, he's still swanning around in 2166, handing out very severe punishments for schoolyard infractions. (You thought I had forgotten the spitter, didn't you?) Ergo, nothing has changed.
Look on the bright side, y'all, you're going to be subjected to my ruminations about time and possibilities, but there's a decent chance I'll stop screaming about how physics doesn't work that way, because--having accepted time travel--it would be a little hypocritical at this point.
Yes, Professor, Jefferson is mad at you. People get that way when you remove their autonomy. Honestly I'm surprised Kendra hasn't kicked Carter in the balls yet.
Carter, what the fuck does that mean? Believe you yet? She threw herself off a damn building already because she believed you. She had visions of the past that helped you defeat Savage the last time. She sprouts GIANT FREAKING HAWK WINGS OUT OF HER BACK. Just cause she doesn't have all the memories you have doesn't mean she doesn't believe you.
BE LESS OF A DICK.
Oh for fuck's sake. You're gonna try to make reincarnation and immortality scientific? You guys... just let it go. You wrote a dead girl onto the show. You've lost your science cred.
They have a baby!!!!
AND HE'S ABOUT TO DIE!!!!
SOMEONE SAVE HIM!!!
Time Traveler Bucket List: Start a bar fight in every era.
Okay, it's official. The three wild cards are definitely my favorite Legends.
Finally, Carter says something that doesn't make me want to kill him. That's right! You go get your baby!
Ahahahahah!!!! They're having a shoot out! In a field! With old, rusty farm equipment!!! OMG, it's a WESTERN!
BAD GUYS TO THE RESCUE!!!! See, they're your favorite, too, aren't they?
Ray and the Professor have a hilarious relationship. I hope it never changes.
Those are lovely lines of parallel fire y'all are laying down,
but have you considered actually aiming at the bad guy?
He's doing repairs. I will give a billion imaginary dollars to anyone who can make him pull out a sonic screwdriver.
We interrupt this review to focus for a moment on costuming. Folks, I try not to get too up in arms about the double standard when it comes to costuming. In all honesty, I think Arrow and Flash do a decent job of keeping the ladies from being as sexualized as their comic book counterparts. (It's true. Take a look at the original Black Canary.) But sometimes a moment comes when I just have to cry out on behalf of my sisters of the silver screen, and say "Damn, costumers, can we be a little kinder?"
Not seeing it? Lemme zoom in there, for ya.
My boobs hurt just looking at this.
Oh, no. The little spitter is Hunter's.
Oh, this scene is sad.
Now I'm sad.
So many of them are continuing on for good reasons that are true to their hearts. Even Heatwave. I mean, he's not lying. He does like killing people. But Ray seems oddly hung up on being famous, and I'm not sure that's healthy.
Legend 010: Vandal Savage
The Big Bad
So, Legends of Tomorrow? It's got potential. Serious potential. Ensemble casts that are this large can really make (or break) a show, so it depends on how the writers handle it. But I'm optimistic.
Plus, at this point I have to keep watching. You know. Just in case Rory ever pulls a Sonic Screwdriver.
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