Legends of Tomorrow: Attack of the Killer Beard

Oh, you thought I had forgotten Legends, didn't you?  But you were wrong.  I was merely spending all my time on completing the first draft of my latest novel.  Anyway, I might give up on that other show featuring she who must not be named, but you know I will always be here for Snart.

Don't be sad, Lenny.  You're my favorite.

Y'all, I ain't gonna lie.  Basically I spend most of every episode hoping that this will somehow morph into a random Doctor Who Crossover.  Especially when they say shit like:

"We're crash landing in time... and... space."

Leonard Snart aside, I think we'd ALL be happier if that magically occurred.  The best part is, since time is so wibbly-wobbly to begin with, we could have DAVID TENNANT BACK!

That... got away from you a bit, didn't it?

Seriously?  This is 30 years from your time.  You think Oliver hasn't gotten himself shot by now?  I mean really, what are the odds of that man making it to 2046?

Pardon?  Excuse moi?  I believe, in point of fact, it DOES matter if it takes you "down the road or through time."  I imagine that particular engine has parts you don't even have NAMES FOR.  I find the idea that you can repair it HIGHLY unlikely.  And, given the fact that this is a show about reincarnating, body-melding, zombie-fied, time-traveling meta-humans, THAT'S REALLY SAYING A LOT.

Ooooooohhhh... Sara Lance done threaten to THO' DOWN ON YOU SON!  

Backing off.  Excellent option.  Well played.

 Do not anger the blonde killing machine.

Oh, Jefferson.  You are too young for her, man.  That's seriously NEVER gonna happen.

Plus, apparently she wants to play flirty-flirty kissy face with Richey McWhinerson (yes, that is Ray's new name.  Yes, he will keep it until he stops being such a damn noob) because you know, she didn't just have the earth shattering grief of having her soul mate die, or anything.

Holy balls, people, trying to get you to be sensible is like herding really pissy cats.  YOU ARE MUCKING ABOUT WITH TIME.  WANDERING OFF BECAUSE YOU HAVE A RANDOM WHIM FOR CHAOS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA!!!!

Really?  None of the motley gang of ruffians has a ranged weapon?  None of them?

Nah, it's cool, guys.

Don't, like, try to stop them.

There's no way you could huck a rock, or something.

 Just stand there and watch 'em go.

Good call.

Richey McWhinerson, I have a question.  Why can't you save the world AND hook up?

Although, seriously, all you dudes need to back the fuck up from the grieving widow.  This is getting a little creepy.

Yup.  Professor, you done fucked up.  Way to prompt Clueless McGoo (yes, that is Ray's OTHER name.  Yes, I will use them interchangeably at will) that he had a real live girl working beside him.

Damn right Leonard.  You are the boss of everybody.  Because you are the MAN.

 I reiterate.  The.  Man.

Let's go back to time for a minute.  Remember time?  I had those cute gifs up above with David Tennant?  Right, okay...

If the future is constantly in flux, then so is the past.  Confused?  You ought to be.  Because the way this fucking show talks about time travel doesn't make a damn bit of sense.  But, for simplicity's sake, let's just put it like this.  In a reality where time travel exists, one person's future is another person's past.  Which means, at any given point, you are simultaneously inhabiting both the past and the future.  They're the same thing.  And therefore, if the future is always in flux, so, too, must be the past.

Wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey... Stuff. 

So, anyway, what I'm saying is... Rip Hunter is full of shit, and the writers on this show need to think about their science a little bit more.  Or, at the very least, their logic.

Exemplary Timing.

Sara Lance is having a real issue with the whole "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World" angle to the future.  I don't think the League accepts complete dumbasses into their ranks, so I'm a little confused at to why she isn't on board for immediately going back to 2016 and making sure this shit never happens in the first place.

The fact that Jefferson and the Professor can't keep secrets from each other is pretty awesome, actually.  I really hope they don't forget all about that little dynamic once this episode is over.

Oh, Rip.  Oh, Rip.  Telling them they don't understand the dangers of meddling with the timeline?  That's like the pot calling the kettle black.  Also, I love how you're like "meddling with the future is arguably more dangerous than changing the past" given that, in point of fact, ALL OF THIS IS YOUR PAST.  DID YOU FORGET THAT YOU'RE FROM THE FUTURE?

 I have made a simple graphic, to illustrate the point.

NOOOOO!!!!  Boys, don't fight!!! You're the dream team!!!  You're my favorite criminal duo!!!  C'mon, kiss and make up.

Damnit, Sara.  Just ONCE I would like someone to do something practical, effective, and sane instead of acting like an altruistic idiot.  Altruism is great in the general sense, but when you can accomplish the same damn thing with a less desperate gambit?  I am so confused by your lack of rational decision making.

Oliver, one arm does not compromise anywhere NEAR half your body mass.  I think you might be confused about what "literally" means.

Guys.  Guys.  That beard is KILLING me.

 Killing me.

NO!  CLUELESS MCGOO!!!  DON'T DO IT!!!  

DO NOT PROPOSITION THE WOMAN WHO JUST LOST HER SOUL MATE!!!

There it goes.  The plane holding your nookie hopes and dreams.  Crashing and burning.

HAH!  Okay, Ray, you have officially earned your name back, by not being oblivious for once.  I hope this shared experience with Jefferson leads to a deeper friendship between the two of you.

And, by "deeper friendship" I mean "NOW KISS."

Gideon, that observation was on point.  Way to give credit where it's due.