Flash 2x05

So, I feel like Barry, with all his greater understanding of possibilities, might consider changing his voice over to "I believe I am the fastest man alive."  Because he might not be.  And I think he's smart enough to know that. I mean, after all, there seem to be about a billion other speedsters out there.

Oh look: previously on the Flash, there was this other Flash, who Caitlyn thought was hot, and then he totally disappeared for an entire fucking episode cause, you know... no budget.

Damn, Jay.  Don't you know that the fastest way to NOT get a man's help is by calling him out in public.  "Hey, this is all your fault.  Now accept blame so we can start fixing it."  Bad call, man.  Bad call.

Oh.  Oh, no.  We are going to find out that Zoom killed the daughter of Harrison Wells 2.0 (who, henceforth, will be known as Hardass Harrison, or just Hardass for short) and that's why he's so set on taking the fucker down.

Hardass Harrison is wicked fucking Hardass. 

Fuck yeah, Flash!  Taking a stand against the NFL!  I mean, kinda in a way that no one will really pay attention to, but what the hell!  Pats on the back all around!

YES!  Pretty blonde, meet Cisco.  Cisco, meet the pretty blonde.  NOW KISS!

NO!  BAD SPIVOT!  DO NOT ASK BARRY TO WORK ON ANYTHING WITH YOU!  Also, I feel like I should tell you that your interaction would have gone better if, instead of saying "want to work on it with me" you had said "would you mind helping me?"  Because dudes are suckers for shit like that.

PS.  Dear Flash writers, thank you for not making Patty ask Barry to help her. 

Oh... oh that was harsh.  Poor Cisco, shot down in the coffee line.

Hey, that new meta is Chickee McGoo from the paper.  I wondered why they were bringing that actress back.

GOD DAMNIT BARRY.  YOU KNOCK THAT SHIT OUT.

Also, just as an aside "I don't want to wait anymore" sounds really creepy for some reason.

Ahaha.  His date is gonna be canceled cause he's blind.  Lolz.  Serves you right.

Also, Caitlyn, could you BE more obvious?  Just bang the man and get over it already.

OMG.  OMG.  HE WEARS HIS SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT.

Oh, I really hope this date is the time that Cisco falls in love with Patty, because he gets to see the whole date through Barry's eyes.  That would be amazing.  That would be such a good plot twist.  I would love it.

You know, Caitlyn, offering someone coffee is like code for offering them sex. 

Now I will replace the word coffee with the word sex EVERY TIME it is ever mentioned on Flash.  "You have sex on your world, right?"  "I think sex is the one constant in the multiverse."

So, if I hadn't just gotten a very upsetting email I would be laughing my ass off over the fact that Caitlyn just got cock blocked by light girl.  Sorry.  Doctor Light.  A moniker which makes no fucking sense.  They should have called her Supernova.  That would have been SO MUCH BETTER.

How did Spivot change clothes so quickly?  I mean, she went right to the crime scene, right?  Does she keep a suit in the back of her car?  Just in case she gets summoned to a crime scene while on a date?

Wow.  Hardass is the best nickname I've ever given.  Also, he knows how to fight.  The man's got some rage.

Oh sadness.  Jay is a chicken shit.  Oh well.  I guess it's good that Caitlyn got cock blocked.  She wouldn't have wanted to bang a chicken shit.

OH MY GOD WHY IS HAWKGIRL WORKING IN A COFFEE SHOP?

Oh.  The Wells girl isn't dead.  Well, that's a pleasant surprise.  Here's hoping she gets saved by SOMEONE.